This quarantine has provided me the perfect opportunity to start a yacht making company in my attic...

Sails are through the roof!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/void_burglar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't think my friend's MacGyver-ed flashlight contraption would work until he provided a detailed description.

It was very illuminating.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the joke about the cows that provided milk for the Roman Army?

You totally should. It's legion-dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alficles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I could see his eyes light up as I unknowingly provided the set-up.

Me: banging an ice cube tray on the kitchen counter to get the ice out

Dad: Who's making all that racket?

Me: Me, I'm trying to break the ice

Dad: Why, is nobody talking to you? Ahahaaaaaaa.

Dad goes back to eBay

πŸ‘︎ 100
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potatering
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
🚨︎ report
Summer festival provided decent setup courtesy of my wife

Her: "I remember hearing last year that the Corn Festival in Sun Prairie is pretty fun, want to go?"

Me: "I'm in but it'd better be aMAIZEing"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/btone911
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Who does Apple call on to provide testimony in court?

An iWitness

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JackoMabreda
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why doesn’t Santa have to provide health insurance for his workers?

They’re technically Elf employed

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrymmTravel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Thank you for getting me through college, student loan providers.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My 6 yr old son has an attitude problem at the dinner table. He barely eats and always makes the rudest comments about the home-cooked food we provide him, so tonight we tried alphabet soup.

I really hope he eats his words.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fordskis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
would provide energy for sure
πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SailorNebula
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Upon seeing a gorgeous girl at the party, I knew I had to meet her. So I approached and told her about a special-purpose ship designed to move and navigate through frozen waters, and provide safe waterways for other boats and ships.

I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?

Band aid.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OhTheComedy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SquireX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A national coin shortage must provide some much needed relief for people who don’t like change.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeepinmama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fortune teller that provides his services for free?

A not-for-prophet

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thesabermaniac
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my boss if he would donate to my organization that provides medical support to Asian children with terminal diseases so they don’t have to be put down.

He hasn’t responded yet, but when he does I’ll find out if he supports youth in Asia.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/srirachase
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know what is used to provide vision at night at school playgrounds?

Recessed lighting!

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a baby look something up?

They "Goo Goo" it.

[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]

πŸ‘︎ 477
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas.

I'm going to call it IP in Pools

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Thank you God for providing me and my family with these instant noodles for supper.

Ramen.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiscoPotato69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What cell service provider do track stars use?

Sprint

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/funnydeadpool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the name of the largest cell service provider for alien life forms?

ET&T

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Youwantfuckame
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
He can provide you with fresh prints.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
A new disease is sweeping the world. It's a type of nostril infection, very costly to test for

But one man, born with extra sensitive smelling, has been providing free exams to the public to eradicate this new threat. Dr. Theodore Nose of UCH Hospital has a long line of patients waiting every morning, wanting the incredible accuracy of this man.

And as his secretary says...

No one's nose knows noses like Nose's nose knows noses.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRichTookItAll
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What was the cell phone provider's baby's first word ?

DA TA

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The Mysterious Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gasballbutsmol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A KING WHO PROVIDES FREE ELECTRICITY TO HIS KINGDOM...

IS AN AMPERERER

πŸ‘︎ 234
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSwastik
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Scotland has made the decision to provide free sanitary products.

I would have predicted a trial period.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Our local pet store provides quality puns.
πŸ‘︎ 330
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconPancake84
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
🚨︎ report
These guys provide custom 'pens'
πŸ‘︎ 457
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeFire
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a three legged dalmation who provides free internet.

A wireless hop-spot.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ManChildMusician
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend is a pretty unsuccessful farmer. But he tries a lot to promote his business on social media by providing a new profile picture every 3 months. Unfortunately the picture always seems to have his head or side chopped off a bit.

Another season, another bad crop.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Eddy Grant has started a very profitable energy provider for homes

Have you seen his Electric Revenue?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Kid: "Dad! Who's our internet service provider?"

Dad: "I am."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Talking about cellphone providers
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/falcorbeam
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
🚨︎ report
I’m working for a charity that provides support for elderly grapes

My job is in raisin awareness.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andi-amo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The Turings

Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked: β€œWhat else could the management provide β€” that might have prevented you from leaving?”

I wrote β€œBirth control.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I was going to provide my local bank with a loan

but they had 0 interest

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OverKast78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the phone provider where you can order hot drinks?

Tea-mobile

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Syabero
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife wanted me to be there for her operation to provide "moral support"

I told her she should probably talk to a priest instead.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/perry-d-astor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
🚨︎ report
There were two friends and one of them wanted to open up a gelato shop.

When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.

When the friend told this story the other friend then said,

#β€œMan, you have gelat of problems.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGuy3036
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend can't pronounce his Rs, so his butler stopped providing him with red wine.

Serves him white.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Being married is like staying at a fancy hotel. My wife provides turn-down service every night.
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reten
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My cell phone provider announced that they were going to provide me with unlimited data, then they texted me this...
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NiacTD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..

I'm going to call it IP in Pools

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Guycelium
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes...

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoorKidstoys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.