Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
I guess nobody Reddit.
Clark Kent
Before boarding the plane, he threw some salt off the flight bridge
After they landed, he tossed some paprika
On the next leg, some nutmeg and a pinch of cumin.
The flight crew saw the combination, there was only one conclusion they could make...
He was a seasoned traveler
Doctor: “Take it easy, sir. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
Dying in a living room.
Is that copyright infridgement?
They "Goo Goo" it.
[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]
"I drive a stick"
So I just said A’U.
It's usually pretty dead.
He says: "Do whatever you want. Just leave me alone".
Go ogle it.
PrayStation
Comment below if you’d like to see photos of my faux toes.
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
I can’t find the punchline.
“oon”.
I don't know why he got so mad, sand is pretty hard to write on
... how EYEronic!
"Sher-man"
I told him that’s an outstanding question.
She gave me a mop.
I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.
This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.
Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.
So I said to the French girl, «quelque chose». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"
I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.
A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. «quelque chose» is the French phrase for "something".
A propaganda
shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.
But we are really in trouble when something is amile
Dad: you should probably drive, running that far seems like a lot of unnecessary work.
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
It never does anything right.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
Root-ing two-ting
But I don’t want to sugar coat it.
...this pork tastes like krop.
I'm not sure what it is, but it'll come back to me
shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.
