My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
How do you make someone do something 18 times in a row?
>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<
My son asked me for something hard to write on
I don't know why he got so mad, sand is pretty hard to write on
At least there was something left
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
What does a vampire bite if he wants something sweet?
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
My said she wanted to be seen in something long and flowing.
So i t pushed her in to the river!
Never ask a tree for advice on whether or not you should do something.
They always reply by saying, "I wood".
I asked a friend "Are there girls who don't use Halloween to wear something slutty?" They replied...
I just wanna say Something funny
These days everyone seems to be going for progressiveness until it comes to something they really care about.
& hence I don't care 'bout anything.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
I could say something about NRA and MAGA,
But it would probably just turn into an ANAGRAM joke,
What do you call a sea creature looking for something?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen...
There's something that I don't like about "DO NOT TOUCH" signs.
I just can't put my finger on it.
How does a computer learn something new ?
I heard something coming from my grandfather's urn.
He was speaking out of urn.
My friend: I forgot the word for “repeating something”
Don't ever listen to anyone telling you that you can't be something you want to!!.....
Everyone told Beethoven too that he can't be a musician just because he was deaf........
Did He Listen???!!
What’s something you question about a clown that farts?
Dad, can you explain something to me?
Sure son, it's a thing that is unspecified or unknown
Anyone heard of that basketball player... Druff or something?
I think his first name is Dan.
They say he’s Head & Shoulders above the competition...
I was in church the other day and the vicar was pointing his finger going "Pew, pew, pew". I asked him if he was pretending to fire a laser pistol or something...
He said "Nope, just counting the seats".
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing,
but I can’t put my finger on it.
Whenever I say something, I’m right 98% of the time
The other 3% is when I do math
Something weird happened today. I went to talk to a friend, and he asked me to calculate arcsecant out of the blue.
Mom: "The line was too long, I wasn't going to wait" Me: "Well I have patience, something that you don't"
Dad: "She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients"
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
I'm in the middle of something
What’s something that everyone gets for their birthday?
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Some people have jumped off of something and died
They jumped to a conclusion and made an impact
If doing something two times is called Twice, what do we call doing something nine times?
What does a cannibal say after eating something good?
Stonks, they're all bawk and no bite (or something like that)
My doctor said I've contracted something
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
What do you call it when a Norse god is scared of something?
that's something serious ngl
What do you say to someone who has been on the moon when you feel bad about something?
>You Apollo-gize
(From my son today, he has improved astronomically over the past few years.)
What do you call it when someone who identifies as the opposite gender does something
I told the salesman I was looking for something cheap, manufactured by Ford, and preferably with a retractable roof...
He directed me to the affordable section
Name something that begins with the letter P that you aren’t good at?
What does Putin say when something doesn’t go his way?
When Adobe decides to finally end Flash Player, they’ll actually be building something new!
They’ll be breaking newgrounds!
My friend from high school became an engineer or something.
He would design vehicles and stuff like no other.
One day he called me and said he had a very special design planned for his next vehicle.
So I asked him: "What's the big design you're working on?"
He said: "Its a secret. You'll find out later."
A few months later, he sends me a picture of this amazing motorbike that's entirely made of wood and nothing else. I called him back and told him I really liked it and if I could ride it.
He replied in a deep and depressing voice: "You can't I'm sorry. I threw it away."
I asked him why he threw away such a masterpiece he worked so hard to make.
He replied: "I tried everything..... But it just wooden start!"
If you’re ever trying to do something unexpected, don’t steal someone’s abacus. They’ll be counting on that.
Something a friend just sent me....
I saw a man pushing around a cart of saltpeter, he immediately stopped when he saw someone doing something nefarious.
Or you could say the peter parker, spied a man.
I made a clone of Patrick Stewart but something went terribly wrong.
The clone slammed me into a wall and lifted me by the neck. What could I do? I’d been hoisted by my own Picard.
The best advice my dad ever gave me: if ever you are desperately searching for something, make sure to take an apple with you.
That way, your search cannot be fruitless.
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
I finally have something to contribute! No longer a lurker 👍🏼
I don’t know why, but there’s something exciting about evaluating women’s armpits...
Its just really axilla rating.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Yesterday someone told me that whatever job I do at my bank isn't a fancy one, so I decided to do something about it.
I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.
Imma wall street banker now
What kind of letter does a lawyer send a chemist he wants to stop doing something?
A cesium and desist letter.
Something sweet I found in Texas
What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?
0 K boomer
Credit: u/jamaisvu99
Asking a toddler how well he does something...
I have a feeling that there is something wrong with my Braille book.
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
You don’t have to tell a Border Collie something twice
They herd you the first time.
I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible’s about to happen.
A fly is buzzing along when he feels something bite his back.
Fly: "Ouch! Hey you must be pretty small to fit on my back. Are you a mite?"
Mite: "Yeah, as in I MIGHT bite you again hahaha"
Fly: "Wow.... That might be the worst joke I've ever heard"
Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."
Murphy’s law states that if something can go wrong, it will. Cole’s law is mostly cabbage.
The tree wanted to try something new.
So he's turning over a new leaf.
Wanna hear something that will shock you?!?
I wish I had something to submit my report in cursive
But all I have is a printer
Tell me something about the British islands. No hurry.
No rush at all. Isle Wight.
I think there's something wrong with the constipation website I signed up to.
Want to hear something really dirty?
What did the black panther say when he saw someone doing something weird?
There's something wrong with China...
I see a lot of red flags.
Cake day.... Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided.
Both crews are believed to be marooned.
After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, "No hablo Ingles."
It's my cake day people say i have to post something funny
I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing.
But I can’t put my finger on it!
There's something really weird about having no hands
But I just can't put my finger on it.
If you spill something...
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