How do you reprimand someone who won't stop making wordplay jokes?
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︎ May 27 2020
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
You look for fresh prints
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︎ Jan 26 2021
What do you call two octopuses that look the same?
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same
π︎ 19k
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︎ Jan 04 2021
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why canβt you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
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︎ Jan 13 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
I have a hunch you will like this joke
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︎ Jan 30 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
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︎ Jan 24 2021
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
π︎ 11k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
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︎ Dec 27 2020
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?
Ham boogers.
I know, I know, snot funny.
-Edit-
Thanks for the awards guys! First silver! :-D
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Doctor to patient do you smoke?
Patient: yes.
Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
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︎ Dec 04 2020
What do you call a teenager who never grows up?
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Did you know garbage men don't get any training?
They just pick things up as they go along.
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︎ Jan 29 2021
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 08 2020
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
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︎ Dec 05 2020
What do you call a typo on a headstone?
π︎ 15k
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︎ Dec 05 2020
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Dec 07 2020
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
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︎ Dec 01 2020
You do realise that Vampires aren't real...
Unless you Count Dracula.
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︎ Dec 02 2020
No no itβs not sbread thatβs the stuff you put on the bread.
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︎ Jan 24 2021
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
Iβll see myself out...
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︎ Dec 01 2020
I see what you did there ( Ν‘β ΝΚ Ν‘β)
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︎ Dec 29 2020
This is how you make neon geen.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?
π︎ 16k
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︎ Nov 16 2020
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
π︎ 581
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︎ Jan 12 2021
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
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︎ Jan 28 2021
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
π︎ 12k
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︎ Nov 24 2020
If you had a Tesla and it got stolen...
Would it now be an Edison?
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︎ Jan 11 2021
My wife said, βYou really have no sense of direction, do you?β
I said, βWhere did that come from?β
Edit: Thanks for the love. Iβm right speechless.
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︎ Nov 10 2020
What do you call a snake that works for the government?
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastππ»β€οΈ
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!π
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︎ Oct 27 2020
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
π︎ 17k
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︎ Nov 05 2020
To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .
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︎ Nov 02 2020
What do you call a store that sells only bagels and donuts?
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︎ Jan 16 2021
My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
What do you call a funny motorcycle
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︎ Jan 29 2021
If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.
All You Need Is Lunch
Do You Believe In Life After Lunch
Lunch In An Elevator
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
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︎ Jan 11 2021
What do you call a hippies wife?
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︎ Jan 08 2021
What do you call a depressed man with a robotic arm?
π︎ 13k
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︎ Nov 10 2020
What do you call a calculator that works instantly?
π︎ 13k
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︎ Nov 01 2020
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
π︎ 57
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︎ Jan 30 2021
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two iβs."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isnβt it!?"
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︎ Jan 17 2021
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