How do you reprimand someone who won't stop making wordplay jokes?

You pun-ish them.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Asterisk49
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 27 2020
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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2021
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How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

You look for fresh prints

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheHibernian
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 26 2021
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What do you call two octopuses that look the same?

Itenticle.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2021
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Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same

10+10=20 11+11=22

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CallingYouForMoney
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2021
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An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?

They make up everything.

I was proud.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jaybird1905
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2021
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While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DinglebarryHandpump
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2021
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Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.

Me: Wait. I can change.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 23 2021
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I have a hunch you will like this joke
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HenkBlok
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 30 2021
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 10 2021
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If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2021
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Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.

You just have to listen varicosely.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 24 2021
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What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?

Stationary.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Seven_Arcadian
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2020
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 27 2020
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What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham boogers.

I know, I know, snot funny.

-Edit- Thanks for the awards guys! First silver! :-D

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2021
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Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2021
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Doctor to patient do you smoke?

Patient: yes.

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/myCakeDayIsOn420420
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 04 2020
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What do you call a teenager who never grows up?

Constantine

πŸ‘οΈŽ 272
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 29 2021
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Did you know garbage men don't get any training?

They just pick things up as they go along.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 385
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/puddlejumpers
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 29 2021
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I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".

" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Magnusfeli
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 08 2020
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A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"

She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shdchko
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 05 2020
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What do you call a typo on a headstone?

A grave mistake.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sheikh_potato
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 05 2020
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You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?

Probably not, they've never had a hit.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dotFuture
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2020
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You do realise that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2020
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No no it’s not sbread that’s the stuff you put on the bread.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CookieDough-234
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 24 2021
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What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??

An Optical Aleutian

I’ll see myself out...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/International_Sea285
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2020
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I see what you did there ( ͑❛ ΝœΚ– ͑❛)
πŸ‘οΈŽ 626
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MomentImmortalizer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2020
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This is how you make neon geen.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bloodywolfeyes
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 26 2020
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Do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?

Mentos.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kalbo_boii
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2020
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What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07

πŸ‘οΈŽ 581
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mr_nameless_one
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2021
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What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?

A Mathemachicken

πŸ‘οΈŽ 213
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Locoboco2018
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2021
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What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?

A barberqueue

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sgrl2494
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 24 2020
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If you had a Tesla and it got stolen...

Would it now be an Edison?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 536
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jdbsplashum
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2021
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My wife said, β€œYou really have no sense of direction, do you?”

I said, β€œWhere did that come from?”

Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 10 2020
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What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A Civil Serpent.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 593
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 03 2021
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 27 2020
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There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.

It's a faux pa.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2020
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To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 02 2020
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What do you call a store that sells only bagels and donuts?

Hole Foods.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 293
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TalornCeleron
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 16 2021
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My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way

Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?

(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)

Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 278
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Madhur_Gupta_nerd
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2021
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What do you call a funny motorcycle

Yamaha-ha-ha

πŸ‘οΈŽ 58
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/j11esq41
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 29 2021
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If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.

All You Need Is Lunch

Do You Believe In Life After Lunch

Lunch In An Elevator

πŸ‘οΈŽ 28
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 23 2021
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Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.

Doctor: I don't follow you.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 209
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 20 2021
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Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?

They're a little meteor.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 179
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/noapostrophe555
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2021
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What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

πŸ‘οΈŽ 681
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AV012220
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2021
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What do you call a depressed man with a robotic arm?

A sighborg.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/the_houser
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 10 2020
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What do you call a calculator that works instantly?

Calcunow

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thespunkmunky
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 01 2020
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 57
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 30 2021
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While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."

Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 412
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 17 2021
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