๐︎ 23
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︎ Nov 27 2020
I pun with subtlety on these dating apps
๐︎ 10
๐
︎ Nov 24 2019
I just called GameStop Customer Service...
They asked me to please Hold. ๐๐คฒ
๐︎ 18k
๐
︎ Feb 03 2021
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I certainly soap you like it.
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Feb 01 2021
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
๐︎ 16k
๐
︎ Jan 22 2021
I canโt believe itโs not butter!
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 21 2021
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, โWhat happened before The Big Bang?โ
He said, โSorry. There is no Time.โ
๐︎ 9k
๐
︎ Jan 30 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I regret nothing
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 26 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Jan 21 2021
I think joule really likes this joke
๐︎ 6k
๐
︎ Jan 13 2021
I have a hunch you will like this joke
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Jan 30 2021
I drew a strawbeary ๐ฅฐ ๐
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 22 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said โShe obviously has COVID!โ โWhy would you think that?โ I asked.
โBecause she has no taste.โ
๐︎ 12k
๐
︎ Jan 13 2021
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Jan 21 2021
And Iโm sure he felt the burn too!
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 30 2021
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I would love to get paid to sleep.
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Her: Iโm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
๐︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 23 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
I can't stand this dude!
๐︎ 4k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
When my wife found me playing with my sonโs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
๐︎ 13k
๐
︎ Jan 17 2021
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
๐︎ 10k
๐
︎ Jan 16 2021
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
The genie asked, "Whatโs your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "Whatโs your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
๐︎ 17k
๐
︎ Dec 22 2020
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 23 2021
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I donโt believe him.
But thatโs his story, and heโs sticking to it.
๐︎ 13k
๐
︎ Jan 11 2021
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent
๐︎ 12k
๐
︎ Jan 01 2021
Iโve lost count of the times I forgot
๐︎ 8k
๐
︎ Dec 26 2020
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 09 2021
I decided to sell my vacuum...
It was only collecting dust.
๐︎ 6k
๐
︎ Jan 04 2021
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Dec 18 2020
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
โThis takes me back.โ
๐︎ 11k
๐
︎ Jan 03 2021
I got struck by lightning.
๐︎ 5k
๐
︎ Dec 13 2020
I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste
"No, I always dress like this", I replied.
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I just heard there's a new Canadian strain of covid
People are showing up to the hospital eh-symptomatic
๐︎ 485
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︎ Feb 04 2021
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits
๐︎ 1k
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︎ Jan 19 2021
I love a good build up
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Dec 22 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnโt happy at all. โHow much have you had to drink?โ she asked sternly, staring at me. โNothingโ I slurred. โLook at me!โ she shouted. โItโs either me or the pub, which one is it?โ
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, โItโs you. I can tell by the voice.โ
๐︎ 16k
๐
︎ Dec 27 2020
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 29 2020
I think my wife is covering my rifle collection with glue.
She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Jan 27 2021
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 25 2020
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling ๐ณ '
Thank you for the awards
๐︎ 10k
๐
︎ Dec 17 2020
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
๐︎ 10k
๐
︎ Dec 28 2020
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, โNo, only for the next couple of hours.โ
๐︎ 7k
๐
︎ Dec 31 2020
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
๐︎ 10k
๐
︎ Dec 19 2020
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