I pun with subtlety on these dating apps
I just called GameStop Customer Service...
They asked me to please Hold. 💎🤲
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
I certainly soap you like it.
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
I think joule really likes this joke
I have a hunch you will like this joke
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
And I’m sure he felt the burn too!
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
I would love to get paid to sleep.
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
I decided to sell my vacuum...
It was only collecting dust.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
I got struck by lightning.
I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste
"No, I always dress like this", I replied.
I just heard there's a new Canadian strain of covid
People are showing up to the hospital eh-symptomatic
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
I think my wife is covering my rifle collection with glue.
She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, “No, only for the next couple of hours.”
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
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