True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
I was very proud of myself :3
Made myself a pun sandwich
I am sooooo proud of myself for this one 😂
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
Why do I do this to myself?
Puns make me feel numb. Mathematical puns make me number.
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
I saw a sign today that made me piss myself.....It said,
I just bought myself a new first aid kit...
Thought I'd treat myself.
Doctor, Doctor, every time I take a picture of myself, the bottom of the picture is always foggy. It’s making me really fed up.
That’s because you have low selfie steam.
Of course I talk to myself
Sometimes I need expert advice
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
...I don’t have time for this crap!
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the fuck is my roof ?
I got a $1000 fine for taking a picture of myself.
It was an expensive self fee.
Once I finally finished installing the thin wood flooring in my large living room, I thought to myself...
I tried gluing my company's HR policies to myself, but they wouldn't stick...
I guess the rules don't apply to me.
Made garlic bread for myself , dm for recipe
I cut myself and now I need to listen to some music to make sure it heals good.
Or how the doctor put it, "A band aid."
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course.
I’m really struggling to get out of it.
First one I thought of myself
I made myself a small open pie filled with sliced apples and sugar, but I misplaced it shortly after. Suddenly I was no longer hungry
I'd completely lost my appletart
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
Allow me to introduce myself
My Wife got a thin crust pizza for dinner. It reminded me a lot of myself:
No dough and lots of cheese.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself....
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I asked my personal trainer at the gym, which type of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women?
He suggested, the cash machine .
I am sick and tired of people calling me lazy, so I'm going to kill myself.
But, the gun is all the way over there.
So last week i got myself in a bit of trouble when i mixed up the words jacuzzi and yakuza
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Let me tell you a little about myself.
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'
During quarantine I taught myself origami...
I’ve in-creased my output ten fold...
To get over my divorce, I keep telling myself 25 letters of the alphabet
Avoiding the X helps a lot
I just fired myself from cleaning my house.
I didn't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job.
I put a picture of myself in a locket...
You could say, I'm Independent.
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself
Where the heck is the ceiling?
Making mirrors is a job i could see myself doing
I cut myself making a sandwich today.
They don't call it sharp cheddar for no reason.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
At a job interview I got asked to describe myself in a nutshell
I said it's so dark I can't breathe has anyone got a nut cracker I can't breathe
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself....
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself....
There's one job I could see myself doing
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
