Me: "Excuse me, can you show me where the self help books are?"

Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"

πŸ‘︎ 520
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
I thought I might have a parasite so I sprayed my self with a cheap bug bomb.

Now all I have to show for it is a nervous tick.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cigarandcreamsoda
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
Ever heard of the god with low self-esteem?

He's an atheist.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FacelessPoet
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
My dad was ready to roll in on the jokes when coming to pick me up after school in his "DIY self-driving" car. Everyone knows though...

He didn't make it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kristianlsnow
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
The very first self-driving vehicle was invented by the Amish in the 1700's...

..the horse was great, the car was a little buggy.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
🚨︎ report
Why did the sculptor realize creating a self-portrait bust was a bad idea?

Because he got a head of himself.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/conflateer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
Most people know 'SCUBA' is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know 'TUBA' is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
Why are memes so self-centered?

Because they are all about me me...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OtsuKotsu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It's called On & On Anon.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beej2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
🚨︎ report
What kind of self-defense does a Jewish Trump supporter practice?

Krav MAGA.

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daddyflextape
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
Self-Depreciation Society accepting new applicants

I already put myself down

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
People say I'm self centered...

But that's enough about them

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToasterTwit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
Ah I love a good self-defecating joke

I shit myself every time I tell one!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZackAshM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
Scientists have discovered a new species of potato that has attained consciousness and become self aware.

They are calling them meta-taters.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
Why are audiophiles self-loathing?

They think audio files are inferior!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
I ordered a self help tape called, "How to handle disappointment."...

When the package came....the box was empty.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know β€œtuba” is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coolhandhutch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Indian yeast have low self esteem?

His whole life he’s been a naan starter.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tim_breeding
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of self defence do vegans use?

Tofu

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Sorry for self promotion.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2JZ_LUV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RockhardManstrong
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Epitome of self control
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.

He really got a head of himself.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a self governing group of hippos?

Hippotonomous

πŸ‘︎ 137
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mangolimon3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Are clams self aware?

No, they are not conches.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sand_dunes37
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of self-help books do dolphins read?

Leading a porpoise-driven life

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kroctopus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been self isolating with coronavirus

Above all, I’ve found it tough to stay positive.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Charlietd76
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Optometrists can be so self obsessed

It’s always eye, eye, eye.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flaxsee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I love self derogratory humour

I can never run out of jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aqeel01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....

Sofa sew good.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/writenroll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a country of male deer with no capacity for self-improvement?

Stagnation

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Shameless self-promotion
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EdenSteden22
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.

Personally, I think it’s nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don't they have self checkout at the Gap?

Because people got confused when they ask you to swipe your cardigan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/usuallyhungover
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a 13 year old muslim stuck in self isolation?

A Qur'anteen

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amethhead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the active ingredient in self raising flour?

Initiative

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BorgClanZulu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The first joke my 3yo self ever made

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SweetSideOfFries
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Self discovery...

I'm going on a self discovery journey, trying to find my way and reason... Destination How-why.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poven100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: You know I'm a self-made person.

Dad: Your mother and I would like to disagree.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The easiest way to get in touch with inner self...

is to buy one ply toilet paper

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/50ShadesOfPalmBay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the opposite side of the museum hall, and I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was so much history between us.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
People say that I am self-centred

But that's enough about them

πŸ‘︎ 147
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheViralClovers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
People call me self centered

But that's enough about them

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report

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