Me: "Excuse me, can you show me where the self help books are?"
Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
I thought I might have a parasite so I sprayed my self with a cheap bug bomb.
Now all I have to show for it is a nervous tick.
Ever heard of the god with low self-esteem?
My dad was ready to roll in on the jokes when coming to pick me up after school in his "DIY self-driving" car. Everyone knows though...
The very first self-driving vehicle was invented by the Amish in the 1700's...
..the horse was great, the car was a little buggy.
Why did the sculptor realize creating a self-portrait bust was a bad idea?
Because he got a head of himself.
Most people know 'SCUBA' is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know 'TUBA' is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Why are memes so self-centered?
Because they are all about me me...
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?
It's called On & On Anon.
What kind of self-defense does a Jewish Trump supporter practice?
Self-Depreciation Society accepting new applicants
I already put myself down
People say I'm self centered...
But that's enough about them
Ah I love a good self-defecating joke
I shit myself every time I tell one!
Scientists have discovered a new species of potato that has attained consciousness and become self aware.
They are calling them meta-taters.
Why are audiophiles self-loathing?
They think audio files are inferior!
I ordered a self help tape called, "How to handle disappointment."...
When the package came....the box was empty.
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.
Why did the Indian yeast have low self esteem?
His whole life he’s been a naan starter.
What kind of self defence do vegans use?
Sorry for self promotion.
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.
They’re going to call it the iAye
My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
What do you call a self governing group of hippos?
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was
she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Are clams self aware?
No, they are not conches.
What kind of self-help books do dolphins read?
Leading a porpoise-driven life
I’ve been self isolating with coronavirus
Above all, I’ve found it tough to stay positive.
Optometrists can be so self obsessed
It’s always eye, eye, eye.
I love self derogratory humour
I can never run out of jokes.
My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....
What do you call a country of male deer with no capacity for self-improvement?
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
Why don't they have self checkout at the Gap?
Because people got confused when they ask you to swipe your cardigan.
What do you call a 13 year old muslim stuck in self isolation?
What is the active ingredient in self raising flour?
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
Self discovery...
I'm going on a self discovery journey, trying to find my way and reason... Destination How-why.
Son: You know I'm a self-made person.
Dad: Your mother and I would like to disagree.
The easiest way to get in touch with inner self...
is to buy one ply toilet paper
I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the opposite side of the museum hall, and I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was so much history between us.
People say that I am self-centred
But that's enough about them
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
People call me self centered
But that's enough about them
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
