Today, I checked out at the store, but the cashier kept taking pictures of herself with each item I was purchasing...
I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!
๐︎ 11
๐
︎ Jan 05 2021
My wife has bought herself a Smart car....
๐︎ 17
๐
︎ Jan 11 2021
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Dec 16 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 10
๐
︎ Dec 02 2020
My wife spilled tea on herself, and without a moments hesitation, turned to me and said...
โIโve teaโd myself!โ
Proud hubby here!
๐︎ 25
๐
︎ Oct 25 2020
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
๐︎ 7
๐
︎ Sep 22 2020
My girlfriend and I just had a fight. She has locked herself in the bathroom for an hour and still hasn't left.
๐︎ 6
๐
︎ Sep 29 2020
Me: My wife injured herself lifting a brick reservoir above her head three days ago.
Coworker: How is she today?
Me: She's still holding up well.
๐︎ 7
๐
︎ Oct 02 2020
My Dad's sister, Karen, hates herself
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Oct 12 2020
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Sep 23 2020
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said โstay away from fireโ, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.
Martha was burning with curiosity
๐︎ 66
๐
︎ Jul 15 2020
i got a good one..: how did the non-profit sex worker advertise herself??
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ Apr 30 2020
Some chick named Susan threw herself at me.
Four days later and I still canโt believe I got sued.
๐︎ 19
๐
︎ Apr 11 2020
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it.
"That's easy. These are khakis."
๐︎ 651
๐
︎ Dec 24 2018
My girlfriend wants to get a bust of herself carved...
I said, "wait. Don't get a head of yourself."
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Feb 01 2020
My friend, who happens to be a female sheep, made a clone of herself and had sex with her clone. My entire friend group was totally disgusted, but I encouraged it, and said...
๐︎ 6
๐
︎ Jan 08 2020
How did Monica injure herself in music class?
She was playing the harmonica
๐︎ 12
๐
︎ Dec 08 2019
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Dec 08 2019
She is a little full of herself.
๐︎ 91
๐
︎ Aug 19 2018
My daughter tried doing her first load of laundry by herself. All the colors bled and intermixed.
"Well," she said. "It did say on the clothing labels to wash in, like, colors."
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Dec 31 2019
My narcissistic friend met a girl his height who also thinks only of herself...
They're on the same "I" level!
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ Aug 02 2019
I know a woman who has committed herself to cleaning other peoplesโ homes indefinitely, and makes a hell of a lot of money for it.
๐︎ 7
๐
︎ Sep 28 2019
A woman woke up from breast augmentation surgery and didnโt recognize herself anymore...
she was having a real identitty crisis
๐︎ 13
๐
︎ Nov 15 2018
When the queen of England has a project and finance it herself. Is it called crownfunding ?
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Mar 25 2019
I was about to stitch up her wound but she insisted she do it herself.
"Fine," i said. "Suture self."
๐︎ 7
๐
︎ Aug 06 2019
My wife just made a denim handbag for herself
She said she should have made a video and had blue purse at the end.
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Mar 30 2019
Howโd the Mermaid Math Teacher support herself?
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ May 11 2019
My wife has treated herself to a Smart car...
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Nov 19 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 17
๐
︎ Sep 22 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Aug 19 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Jun 04 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way into town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ May 01 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Mar 07 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way into town, apparently an actress just killed herself
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Mar 30 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Dec 05 2019
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Oct 06 2019
Actress just killed herself
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 15
๐
︎ Jun 30 2019
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 21
๐
︎ Jun 11 2019
Dad: I was just listening to the radio, a famous actress killed herself!
Mom: oh no! Who?
Dad: Um, I can remember! I think her name was Reese or something.
Mom: WHITHERSPOON?
Dad: No, it was with a knife.
๐︎ 61
๐
︎ Jul 04 2019
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Aug 01 2019
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Aug 15 2019
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife
๐︎ 27
๐
︎ Nov 25 2018
An actress just killed herself...
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Apr 13 2019
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife...
๐︎ 13
๐
︎ Apr 16 2019
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