My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
I told my wife that she should embrace her mistakes.
Then she smiled and hugged me tightly.
I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.
I think she's going to take me up on it.
Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver ❤️
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
Do you ever wonder if a cow thinks her calf who won't nurse.....
Is an utter disappointment?
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
My teacher was talking about how her new puppy likes to eat rocks and...
https://preview.redd.it/0v9ktic4jrc61.png?width=462&format=png&auto=webp&s=71d4573f3dce3295220e65c8756cfa02b7319211
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
MY GIRLFRIENDS DOG DIED SO I GOT HER AN IDENTICAL ONE
SHE WAS LIVID AND SCREAMED WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH TWO DEAD DOGS !
Current status.. single
My daughter was watching The Little Mermaid so I asked her if she knew why Sebastian was kicked out of college?
It's because all his grades where under da c
Her: What are you giggling about? Me: Oh, nothing...
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me
How would Missy Elliott advertise her ice cream shop?
"Get yo' free cone 🎵"
(credit: guy at work told this one in a meeting)
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk
Him:* lifts gallon * done
Her: no from the store
Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too
Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4.95/50lb bag
I told her thats dirt cheap
It just happened. I'm evolving
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
My wife has begun writing songs about her sewing machine
She wants to be a Singer-songwriter, or sew it seams.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”
One of my coworkers said today is her thirty second birthday.
I asked her how she could possibly get anything done in such a short amount of time.
My girlfriend said if I don’t marry her then she’ll destroy my hearing
It’s a wife or deaf situation
Credit for idea: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/l5550w/my_girlfriend_says_if_we_dont_get_married_soon/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
I've met this french business woman recently. She was so beautiful and so wealthy, I just couldn't resist her and her lovely
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high...
My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. “Two EMTs?” I asked her...
...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
The Mandalorian came across Little Ms. Muffet having difficulty with her meal. He stopped to help, letting her know...
"These are the curds and this is the Whey."
Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/dadjokes, but today she is absent.
so my drummer friend and her partner just had triplets. Girls. Their names?
Anna One, Anna Two, Anna 1-2-3.
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
My daughter was all worked up, and I told her to relax. She screamed "I can't!!!".
So I asked her if she could lax again.
A women was getting petrol at a petrol station and spilt some on her arm.
She rubbed the petrol off and drove away. While on the road, she lit a cigarette and her arm caught on fire. Concerned, she started waving her arm out the side of the car.
Amongst all this, the police pulled her over. "What am I under arrest for?" The officer replied "for having a firearm"
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied “Screw you!”
So I'm pretty excited for the new year!
My 9 year old wanted me to post her joke here!
What does it mean when you find horseshoes?
It means a horse is walking round in its socks!
I am so proud of her!
Edit: wording.
My wife is mad because I never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold flowers!
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