Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver ❤️
Because he was a neck-romancer.
"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again
"Your kid in me."
So today, a subreddit.
Because the chicken had the day off.
Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.
Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks!
I am so proud of her! Edit: wording.
"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"
She seemed surprised.
Him: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Him: No, the cars are much faster.
He took her for granite.
She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
The man sitting next to her asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "Absolutely", she responds. So the man walks up to the podium and clears his throat. "Plethora" he says. Then he comes and sits back down. "Thank you", the woman says. "That means a lot."
Atleast that's what she said in her diary.
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
But she still won't admit she framed me.
She's a keeper.
A mathemachicken
She lost her hearing.
I know it isn't much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
It’s time to go to sleep it’s pasture bed time.
She said the wurst one
She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
She was arrested for littering.
Ina Garten DeVito honey,
Don’t you know that I’m lovin you
Ina Garten DeVito baby,
Don’t you know that I’ll always be true
It's just a stocking filler
She was a mathemachicken!
Arson.
She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Guess who came crawling back
I guess it’s true... a penny urned is a penny saved.
Now she barks out of both ends.
She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
She said: “My anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”
but the furniture was real
I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.
Damn near poked my eye out.
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
She ended up getting custardy
I think she overlooked her legs
"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."
. . . He kept asking for another shot.
It was honestly a surprise but at least they were both Trans-Parent about it.
I told her she was being awfully kneedy.
( My first attempt at an original. Sorry if someone has beat me to it.)
Burnadebt
(Just thought of this and I gotta admit...I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
“Why do I always have to pay you to be good”
Why can’t you be a good for nothing like your dad
...unlike the rest of the people in the car who probably died screaming, “Irene! Irene! Wake up! Wake Up!!
Overheard this conversation while my wife was getting our daughter ready for bed:
Wife: Alright sweetie, time for bed Daughter: Ok, I'm so sleepy Wife: I am too Daughter: NO, I AM TWO!
She tells me the thing is driving her up the wall.
"I never knew she sold them!"
The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"
I really need to find a way to disinscentivize her.
Doesn't sound very wise to me.
Though, I probably would for marble.
But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
"You"... followed by a smirk.
Not the response I was expecting but I laughed
Moo outta my way, you cow.
She still isn't talking to me.
Haven’t you read Hebrews?
Via Sea-section
The Nile-ist
Beertrix potter
You cantaloupe!
I was worried, as I'm a bit of a mutt.
She says she didn't care as long as I didn't have Roman hands or Russian fingers.
Her said called her and said Mom isn't doing well. She got all worried and started getting emotional so she called her Grandmother to ask what was going on. She found out that Doctors are telling her one of her ovaries seems missing and they don't know where it is. She seemed relieved to find this out as it wasn't as serious as her dad made it out to be but was still concerned.
I told her that her dad had an ovaryaction.
I put it in the wrong place...... 3 years ago
“You’re a fungi!”
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
I ode her that much.
then she hugged me.
Coworker: How is she today?
Me: She's still holding up well.
It must have been the delivery...
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
“That’s my jam”
..., to be honest I never knew she is selling them.
Now I’ll never hear the end of it.
That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.
You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.
Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..
And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, “If you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”
Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.
Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.
And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!
And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..
“I toad you so.”
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
No it was Witch two officer!
🎶"Give me three forks,
Give me three forks sweetie,
Give me three forks from the drawer.
Give me three forks,
Give me three forks baby,
And I won't ask you for four." 🎵
The look on his face was priceless.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
One day she left me saying you deserve butter.
Now she's independent.
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
