A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, “So... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”
My friend got a role as an extra in a film. His job was to approach the lead actor and comb her hair away from the middle of her head...
Henry the 8th liked his wives to be athletic, and that was her problem, she wouldn’t walk, she wouldn’t run
She would just Anne Boleyn.
A famous viking of the red clan came home one day and told his wife it's gonna rain tomorrow. She asked him how he knows. He told her:
Rudolf the red knows rain, dear!
A man suspected his wife was hard of hearing so he decided to do an experiment. The man snuck up behind his wife and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” No response. He went a little closer and said a little louder, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still no response. So he went right beside her ear, yelling,
“Honey, can you hear me!?” She turned around and shouted, “For the third time, yes I can hear you!”
My brother visited the cemetery today to see our mom. He walked up to her grave stone, closed his eyes and with a tear running down his cheek, said
Look who’s grounded now, mom.
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali. He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce. I had to calm her down and tell her to
My daughter brought her first boyfriend over and I shook his hand.
I said, "A handshake says a lot about a person, and yours was weak."
He said, "Your daughter's handshake is good."
Me and my daughter were driving by her school and she said “hi school!”
I said “no, grade school.”
My Canadian friend and his wife just had a baby and they named her JulyAugust.
They call her Summer for short.
A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news for you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...
A man meets a woman at a bar and invites her back to his place...
...She says "I'm on my menstrual cycle".
He replies "Perfect! You can follow me on my mountain bike".
An Autobot saw his sister transforming and said to her
“That’s a pretty Metal-Morpho-Sis”
My son came up to me the other day asking for the biggest newest iPhone because all his friends had one. I turned to my wife and immediately told her I got my blood test results back I got done earlier in the week.
I turn back to my son and say “it turns out, I’m not made of money”.
When Mrs. Exclamation told her husband This that she was pregnant with her second set of twins, he was very excited. As had happened with her first twins, the babies looked nothing like their father. He didn't realize it though, and once again she put his name on the birth certificates.
Now This raises more questions.
My business selling his and hers children's camping cots has gone out of business.
We sold a few girls' cots, but the boy cot had some marketing challenges.
My mom went to see her 92 year old father at his assisted living home yesterday and she said to him, "You sure like to take naps don't you ?"
He said, "Well this is a rest home."
My voicemail prompts the caller to leave his or her name and number. My dad’s response on his most recent message:
My name is, Dad and my number is one. Always number one!
My dad and I were watching basketball the other day when his dog (Sophie) hopped up onto the couch beside him. He turned to her and said, "Who are you rooting for Sophie? The underDOG??!!!"
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