My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
What does Reese Witherspoon call her gun collection?
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
My flatmate and I are single AF so I got her flours for valentines day....
I told my wife that she should embrace her mistakes.
Then she smiled and hugged me tightly.
I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.
I think she's going to take me up on it.
Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver ❤️
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
How does Dolly Parton clean her swimming pools?
Chlorine, chlorine, chlorine, chlorineeeeeeeeeeee!
I've got a chicken who counts her own eggs....
My girlfriend recently dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back
MY DAUGHTER KEPT COMPLAINING FOR DAYS ABOUT A MONSTER UNDER HER BED
So I drank it and told her to stop hiding cans😤
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
My friend got a role as an extra in a film. His job was to approach the lead actor and comb her hair away from the middle of her head...
My 5 year old got me (her dad) with a dad joke
Where do hamburgers go when they want to dance?
A meat ball!
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?
I told my mother-in-law there's a leek in her sink.
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Saw nice guy try to help a girl with her spreadsheet
Do you ever wonder if a cow thinks her calf who won't nurse.....
Is an utter disappointment?
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
MY GIRLFRIENDS DOG DIED SO I GOT HER AN IDENTICAL ONE
SHE WAS LIVID AND SCREAMED WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH TWO DEAD DOGS !
Current status.. single
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again
My wife showed me how she’d stab me if I ever cheated on her.
The knife didn’t go all the way in, but I got the point.
For Valentine's day, I got my wife a sexy little number that really shows her curves...
My daughter was watching The Little Mermaid so I asked her if she knew why Sebastian was kicked out of college?
It's because all his grades where under da c
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
Mrs Hamill was annoyed when her son and I paid her a surprise visit.
She was afraid I'd leave a Mark.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair
She’ll come crawling back soon enough
Demi Lovato is my favorite female, I consider her a hero.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Her: What are you giggling about? Me: Oh, nothing...
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
How would Missy Elliott advertise her ice cream shop?
"Get yo' free cone 🎵"
(credit: guy at work told this one in a meeting)
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My daughter recently found a photo of her in the hospital when she was a baby
She noticed a blanket and asked if it was womb temperature. I laughed and thought she’d make a great dad one day while my wife tried to not smile
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk
Him:* lifts gallon * done
Her: no from the store
Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too
" I want her home before before midnight."
Date : "But you already own her home"
My wife was upset that I did not buy her flowers !!!!
Goddamnit !!! She never told me she sold flowers !!!
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
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