I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver ❤️
Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me
My wife has begun writing songs about her sewing machine
She wants to be a Singer-songwriter, or sew it seams.
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth."
That meant the world to me.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again
My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. “Two EMTs?” I asked her...
...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a week now and she’s still not talking to me.
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied “Screw you!”
So I'm pretty excited for the new year!
Yesterday the Custodian pulled me aside and asked me to smoke a joint with her after work!
I told her no, I don’t hang out with high maintenance women.
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My wife told me about her hard day. That's when I knew she was the imposter...
My dads new girlfriend corrected me and said her name is Cindy with an S
I think she has multiple personalities. How many Cindy's is she?
They tried to sack her, and she didn’t have a leg to stand on...
The little girl lined her dolls up at the cookout.
My wife asked me to be her Sugar Daddy
I said I can only afford to be your Salt Bae
Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/dadjokes, but today she is absent.
I told me my doctor I didn’t want her to give me stitches.
She said “fine, suture self.”
Why is the doctor at the blood bank picky about her dates?
My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...
My barista didn’t filter my coffee right. I issued her a restraining order.
I must admit that I married your mum for her looks...
But not the one’s she’s been giving me lately
My daughter broke her finger today,
but on the other hand she was completely fine.
My wife has been complaining that I don’t buy her flowers. Tbh I don’t even know she started selling flowers.
Couldn’t post it earlier. Doing dishes, making everyone’s bed, taking trash and all the other household chores ate up all my evening.
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
The first time I saw her, at her honey stall at the farmers market, I knew right away...
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
Bought my wife a rocket for her birthday...
My 9 year old wanted me to post her joke here!
What does it mean when you find horseshoes?
It means a horse is walking round in its socks!
I am so proud of her!
Edit: wording.
In a group chat with my girlfriend and her dad and he sent this
https://imgur.com/a/zLeRYMp
What does Padme say to Anakin after he saves her?
“Anakin your a Lightsaber!”
I always wanted my sister to have a son that I could pass on my wisdom to, but I'm so happy she had her little girl, Denise.
Because a kid named Denephew would probably get picked on a lot.
My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her...
"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"
I asked a girl for her hand. She thinks I'm nuts.
My daughter had her 6th driving test yesterday. She got 8 out of 10.
The other 2 jumped out of the way.
So proud of my 3 year old daughter... her first dad joke. “Hey Dad, why did the duck cross the road?”
Because the chicken had the day off.
Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.
Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)
My sister, the biologist, was studying cell division when she dropped her microscope on my toe.
A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection
the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
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