Talk to Her Puns

It was a tender subject.

They’re really sensitive.

She was breaking up.

“Go to your womb!”

“Son, you can call me dad,”

”Hi dad, I’m Hungry”

Neighbor: Hey! You have fun doing laundry?

Me: Loads!

Neighbor(s):AHHAHAHA, nice to see you!

Me: Ugh

I hear it's a great way to connect.

Then she asked if I could take out the trash weekly.

...talking to the wine."

It was clear she thought the cat understood her.

I came inside and told my dog. We had a good laugh about that.

I told her i can't because I'm diabetic

... she said it was good to talk abou tit

Him: Yes, I’m not kidding you.

"Well, I just thought you might have never seen him before."

Me: Sometimes I need expert advice.

Stupid Subway

I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday

But she wasn't really Inuit

And I said all I know about fountain pens is the last time I drank from one I got sick.

She said she didn't remember.

I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!

She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.

Totally worth it.

Dad: "You can do so much better, you know!!"

Me: "Thanks dad. That means so much to me."

Dad: "I was talking to her."

Wife: The Flash is my favorite superhero!

Me: Why? Is it because he's hot?

Wife: What?

Me: Yeah, the 'Hot Flash'!

Wife: Thinking..... Oh my God... I get it now. Rolls eyes

I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.

Dad: Don’t drop her! That might hurt.

Her: “Is it difficult for you to talk about this stuff?” (My erectile dysfunction)

Me: “Y’know, normally yeah it is, but with you it’s nothing hard at all...”

Edit: I made this joke completely by accident and then immediately started laughing like a maniac.

We just clicked

Dad: Did you get those batteries you needed?

Me: What batteries?

Dad: The ones for the bug zapper. There's some lady that sells them at the beach.

Me: Who? What are you talking about?

Dad: You know the lady. She sells D Cells down by the sea shore.

So I bought my mom a parrot as a gift. A week later I ask her how the parrot was. She said “It was delicious!” I said to her “What?! Why would you eat it? It’s a talking parrot!” My mom replies “Well it should have said something then.”

Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says “this is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says “well maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying “I’m a light bulb” and the boss says “maybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks “where do you think you’re going?” And Johnny replies “you expect me to work in the fucking dark?”

Dad : remember when you were so into owls?

Mum: I was never into owls, that was the theme for The kids room.

Dad : I swear it was owls, all I remember was a solid 2 months of owl this and that.

Mum : ugh whatever, I don't even care.

Dad : you mean you don't give a Hoot...

Eye rolls ensued

But I still don’t talk to her

Girlfriend: I think I'll grab Wendy's for dinner...

Me: Well then what will she eat?

Girlfriend: <groan followed by a very sarcastic "har har">

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

"port is left and starboard is right... get it?? huh? huh??"

"Sadly dad,, I do.."

discussion was by text.

I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.

EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)

We're sitting around having dinner, and my wife isn't feeling great about the cooking. My daughter (6) starts critiquing the sauce, talking about what she doesn't like. I told her that sometime you have to read the room and see whether people want their cooking criticized.

She looks at me and says "Dad, you can't read a room if there are no letters in it" and starts giggling.