"OK", I said, "Alpaca my bags".
Sheโs kiln it
"How do I get you a loan?"
Master bait
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, โItโs you. I can tell by the voice.โ
When he arrives she says โIโve decided what I want for dinner.โ
You know, cos Pa's tense.
Cardi-O
The man, tearing up, takes his wife's hand and says, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm going to be a dad."
"A person always wins!"
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
So today, a subreddit.
She said it was just a bunch of stuffy people.
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Iโll be sure to remind her to always let the Man-go.
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
She added giggling: you will take ages to log off.
I'm not sure whether to believe her or not.
Now Iโm two hours late and I donโt even like Jim Carey
...talking to the wine."
She said it was CURRENT-ly available.
I laughed my ass off. She didnโt get it. I explained. Got a dirty look.
.... worth it.
...But I know she's the minimum height.
....and then put it back on the shelf.
Maybe I could be her new taste in men
The Joy of missing out
"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "
They put on another coat.
that's why we stick with father jokes
โBeats meโ
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
Then she told me she doesnโt want lizards in the house. Make up your mind!
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Tea leaves
May Onassis, she married into the Helmanns family.
I sent her my trousers to be taken up by 4 inches over 3 months ago
and I still haven't had them back!
She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.
To which I replied โNo it doesnโt.โ
Because he is full of shit.
She responded "you shouldn't say that"
I responded "what he just lies all day."
Real convo
โSi, estรก.โ
It sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My wife: Why? Me: Ha, Gotye there.
Needless to say, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.
So instead, a subreddit.
I paused for a second while I thought and said, โItโs you. I can tell by the voice.โ
'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'
So instead, a subreddit.
