“ well, give it back !”
They’re great at deliveries
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Did you know, when I was your age... I was six.
We all know that pokemon evolve after being trained for a while. There is a little known fact that some Pokémon evolve into different Pokémon based on how you raise them.
For example,did you know if you raise a pikachu badly it evolves into a nasty little Pokémon called pissed-at-chu!!
...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.
Everything was comedy gold.
Eh, you probably wouldn’t get it.
I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete
I was so salty
He would reply, “No, just leave it in the carton”
We're watching A Quiet Place, and the son falls into the silo filled with corn and starts sinking.
My 8yo cracks a joke: "Aw, now he's going to die of corncer".
I struggled to hold back my laughter before telling him it's not cool to joke about cancer.
So for background, I work at McDonald's. I have to scan every Euro Bill 50 € and up.
So one day a dad comes in with his two little daughters. He places his order and hands me a 50 € bill. I scan it and scan it again and the machine won't recognize its validity, when the dad says:'That's odd, I JUST changed my printer's toner' Daughters facepalm other dads in line nod
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
They just seem to have some trouble with stand-up comedy.
He always responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!’
(Yes probably a repost)
People tell me all the time " You smell funny "
Dad: I have a coworker who is addicted to drinking brake fluid.
Dad: Yeah, he says he can stop anytime.
It was out of this world........
I failed to read the womb
So, today I was talking to an old friend about his last job, as a banker (which he just quit). He was going on and on about how he hated the people and the pay, but then he says, "you know what really made me make the decision"? I said, "no, what". He says, "Man in all honestly I just completely lost interest. I looked at him blankly for a second and he looks at me back, not even realizing the greatest accidental pun ever to be spoken.
Me: something shitty that happened
Dad: “well, if it makes you feel any better...”
Me: “thanks, Dad”
Mom: “but he didn’t say anything!”
Guys heard about fragment that got arrested? He's only serving a short sentence in prison.
My dad and i was driving around and out of nowhere he says "did you know gay people sometimes get a warm feeling in their ass when they drive". I just look at him confused and carry on driving. Fast forward a few minutes i feel my ass getting warm. I look at my dad and he has the stupidest grin on his face. he had turned on the seat warmer.
Growing up, whenever I would ask my dad to make me a sandwich he'd always respond with, "POOF! You're a sandwich."
I look forward to every opportunity I have to use it.