"Well, this is Auk-World...."
When you see the ferris wheel.
(Made this joke after a 10 minute argument with my 5 year old niece. She pointed out the ferris wheel and I kept saying "I know... the fair is real.")
We always go left.
A ferrous wheel.
It was an emotional roller coaster
I was just along for the rides.
First day of summer vacation, pack up the family and bring them to Canobie Lake Park, a local amusement park.
We all get on the Ferris Wheel and the listen to the instructions:
Operator: "Please keep you arms and legs in the cart at all times, remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop and please NO ROCKING!"
Me: "Awwww man, I was just abut to crank some AC/DC"
My family and the family in line behind us: ::audible groans::
I just picture Dave Grohl riding the coaster car in his throne with his leg in a cast rocking out.
He sued them for funfair dismissal.
I reply, "It's Knott."
Kids in unison "Awww."
I wonder if he still said "weeee!", or if he said "meeee!" instead.
Me: Come on Dad, pick up the pace!
dad: Why? Did you drop it?
A fun guy.
I guess it was the delivery!
My girlfriend and I opened a new pack of pre-sliced cheese. As we’re munching, I hold my mouth in pain and say “Ow!” She asked what was wrong and I said, “Well no wonder my mouth hurts, the package says this is extra sharp cheddar.” She was not amused
Must have been the delivery.
... but was fired for taking a couple of days off!
Not unknown, but a fave. I also wanted to say I became a certified dad today! I plan on utilizing this sub to torture my new child.
What do you call a stone with eyes?
It must have been the delivery…
Identity theft is not a joke.
I however, couldn't seem to get a kick out of it
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Recently in my neck of the woods, we have been experiencing a cold snap. This morning, my wife set me up for a zinger.
Wife (dressing our 10 month old daughter): I don't know how to dress her.
Me: Shirt goes on the top half, pants on the bottom half.
Wife: No! I mean for the temperature!
Me: Oh! Honey I don't think the temperature cares what she wears today.
I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.
talking about a tv show
"I've got seasons 1 to 6, do you want them?"
"What about season 3, 4, and 5?"
So I work at a pizza shop. This middle aged man, typical dad polo shirt, white New Balances, etc... comes in with his wife. They want subs. So my boss is taking their order. She asks him if he wants any cheese on his sub. He responds "yeah, that religious stuff". My boss looks up at him confused and says, "what?". I immediately jump in and say, "Swiss!" My boss looks even more confused. The guy is smirking and says, "yeah, the holy kind!" His wife lets out the biggest groan as him and I crack up. My boss just shook her head and walked away in disgust.
I was at a warehouse store yesterday and turned down an aisle to see two employees standing over a spilled gallon of pancake syrup.
"Boy, that looks like a sticky situation"
Neither employee laughed.
I replied "of course not, you're Kate!" (Wife's name).
Me: Tears magazine in half.
Her: "How did you do that?"
Me: "'Shear' force."
I stared at her until she gave me a look of disgust and walked away.
Kid 1 & kid 2 talking and 1 says "when I get home I'll just slip on my dress"...so I says to her, I says "if you think you'll slip on it, why don't you just pick it up off the floor?"... Kids not amused... Later... 1's working on 2's eyebrows and they ask me to bring them her makeup kit...so I asks "what for, have y'all been fighting?"... Still not amused... I'll keep you updated
Sister: "Hey Dad, can I please have a horse for my birthday?"
Dad: "Sorry honey, don't have anywhere to put it."
Sister: Starts Crying "This is unfair, I never get what I want."
Dad: "C'mon now sweetheart, why the long-face?"
Sister: "STOP DAD! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!"
Dad: "Ok..ok..we'll get one. I'll go see if we can store it at the Neiigghhghbors house"
Dad proceeds to burst out laughing
I had just gotten off the phone with my wife on the car bluetooth and the radio came on. Of course Adele's Hello started playing (why is this song so overplayed?) so I pretended it was another call and started replying to her. It works for the first few verses.
Have my phone out during the commercials before the commercials leading up to a movie and they show the "please silence you cell phones" message.
Just then I get a text and my phone dings.
"Shhhhhhh. Be quiet. "
Unless you're at a funeral
What's the best part about being a unicyclist?
I'm never two tired!
So took this from Not Always Right. I thought it deserved to be here.
Hear a squeak
Me: Did the cat just meow?
Roommate: I think it was a dog.
Me: One of the dogs meowed?!
I have to get groceries from the store.
EDIT: I'm back
On holidays in Germany, buying a glass of water for my son in a beergarten.
(True Dad Joke Story)
My friend and I were coming back from golfing on what felt like the hottest day of the year when he got a flat tire on the freeway. We get out, sweat our butts off, and change the tire. I wasn’t sure how far we could go on the spare and I called my dad to see what he thought...
ME: “How far can we get on a donut?”
DAD: “Hmmm I’d probably say till lunch time!”
Needless to say I was not amused at the time - my dad thought he was a genius.
I been fooling around with this girl who's 5'9" and 110lbs.
Me: I don't understand how you're so skinny; we both eat the same unhealthy garbage
Her: It's hereditary, everyone in my family is real skinny.
Me: So I guess you've got skinny genes!
I laughed hysterically. She was mildly amused.
So we walked inside of a Tim Hortons...
GF: What do you want to order?
Me: No idea, what sounds good?
GF: I want a raisin bagel. Do you like raisin bagels?
Me: I don't know, I've never raised a bagel before.
She wasn't amused.
I waved at it as I walked by and replied "Bye-Biscus"
If her audible groan was not satisfaction enough, the amused chuckle of the older gentleman walking in the other direction certainly was.
It came out of the purple
Me: hey dad wanna go fishing?
Me: do you have worms?
Dad: yep, but I'm going fishing anyways
He can't help himself, and it's still amusing after 20 years
Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.
To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.
And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!
Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.
you have a leek” she spun around looking for water. Then she saw the bucket of produce. She was not amused 😒
This last weekend we went to an amusement park. Everything we went through the little things that spray water on you, my 9 year old would say, "Mist me." Every single time. My wife and daughter's reaction became more and more aggravated, but I felt pretty good about it.
A while ago, my daughter told me she was into fan fiction. I told her I used to be as well, but I changed to air conditioner fiction... because it was cooler.
She was not amused.
I have now created a subreddit called r/AirConditionerFiction
If you have the time and the desire, drop by and leave a short work of fiction regarding air conditioning. If this is successful, I will give my daughter a link and wait to see her facial expression. I will also prepare for being put in a less-then-stellar retirement home.
Apparently my son is the ultimate dad joker, as his instant reply was my hair. Much to the amusement of his mother and brother. For me the game was over and done with... 😂
Her: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah. It just Hertz a little.
They were not amused. (Link)
My kids got these chocolate covered ants cookies for Christmas. They asked me to open the package and I said be careful with crumbs, I don't want ants in the house.
Nobody but me was amused.
I'm a waitress and this one got dropped on me today when a family of 5 came in. They had previously stated they were in a hurry so brought them the check and said (i should probably mention that I have a very southern accent) 'I know y'all are rushin' so-' the dad cut me off with 'No, we're Americans.' His kids and wife were not amused and I just busted up laughing and high fived him. Anyway, I thought you guys would enjoy it.
Daughter: Do you know what my favorite kind of bird is?
Me: Cockatiels? (my educated guess since we have two)
Daughter: No, it's an owl.
Daughter: An owl.
Daughter: AN OWL!
Me: Who? (while laughing)
Daughter: Daddy... (finally catches on, but not amused)
Me: Is it feet?
She's never amused. It's usually a small pebble or a piece of tree bark or something.
BACKGROUND: I'm a sleep technologist and there's an intercom connecting my office to the patients' rooms. They call out when they need something (eg. blanket, bathroom visit, etc.)
Patient calls out, "Hey, what time is it out there?" so I replied "Probably the same time it is in there, why?"
The patient was too sleepy to be amused but it made me laugh.
An amusingly-named road in Oxfordshire, England.
http://imgur.com/ksB8cST she had to replace her phone and lost all her contacts...she posted "I need numbers.I lost all of my contacts.", so I replied "can't you just wear your glasses?!"... she wasn't as amused by my joke as I was.
Told my wife this one his morning. She was not amused....
Me: Did you hear about the guy that died at Proctor and Gamble?
Her: No, what happened?
Me: Yeah he was at the lotion storage tanks I guess and he fell in and drowned because they couldn’t get him out.
Her: That sounds awful, what a terrible way to die.
Me: Yeah I guess what they say is true about this all.
Me: A body in lotion tends to stay in lotion
Her: ................. I’m serving you papers after that.......
Mom: "Did you know that grapes can kill dogs?"
Dad: "You'd have to throw them pretty hard..."
My mom was not amused, but I was losing it haha
Yes, I asked if she could catch it.
Why did you name him that?
"Haven't you seen Lion King? He's named after the meerkat!"
That is not a meerkat, it is a mere cat.
Interaction with my stepsister. She was not amused.
He went down the road and turned into a field!
Every time I come up with one of these, I am simultaneously amused and extremely upset with myself.
Then she could be my Boo Berry.
She wasn't amused.
So my fiancée came home from work earlier this week, clearly upset. I asked what was wrong and she went on to tell me about how she accidentally ran over a duck.
In an attempt to comfort her, my compassionate and empathetic self responds with, "well I guess it's safe to say the duck suffered from a quacked skull huh?"
She was not amused.
... And her husband suggested she move her desk into the corner because it's always 90 degrees.
She was not as amused as he was.
So my sister asked me to call her cell phone, so i of coarse said "here cell phone here come out cell phone". She then yelled at me and said "nooooooo use your cell phone to call mine", i said "yes of coarse how silly of me". I then went to get my cell phone, i then made a recording of my self calling for her cell phone, i proceeded to go back to her and play it. My sister was not amused and i laughed to hard.
And when my girlfriend showed her piece, he scolded and critiqued her...In defense of my girlfriend I quickly shouted, "Hey, that's where I draw the line! You need to easel up on my girlfriend!"
He wasn't amused.
Sitting at the dinner table as always, my family was discussing my brother's plans for building a vegetable garden in the backyard. My mom and him were discussing costs of wood, seeds, and other miscellaneous items needed.
My dad was strangely quite during the whole conversation with a slight grin. My mom then asks my brother;
"How much do think the soil will cost?"My dad then blurts out, "I don't know, its probably dirt cheap..."
He had been waiting the whole time to say this, and nobody is amused.
Edit: fixed stupid blocky letters...
Left the office a little early today.
Me: "Gotta jet!" Her: "Did you win the lottery this weekend?"