My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter....
But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser.
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
My buddy keeps asking me to blow cool air on him when he gets hot, and I don’t like it.
Why did the geologist’s wife divorce him?
Because he took her for granite 😁
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
My Dad showed me a picture of him at a REM concert "Look" he said.
That's me in the corner...
EDIT. Sorry that was just a dream
an American IT specialist was beaten even though he had a gun with him
I told my brother ten jokes to make him laugh...
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him.
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
I just spoke with Bill Withers and told him "Ain't No Sunshine" is poor grammar.
He said "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."
Why did the baker throw away the bread someone gave him?
Because he didn't knead it!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke gave him for Christmas?
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
What did the mushroom say when his girlfriend dumped him?
Come on, why babe? I’m a fungi
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?
Purée!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
My son just told me to stop making up things about him.
Which is strange, because I don’t have any kids.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
A chemist froze himself to -273.15°C and everyone called him crazy but personally,
Man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he can see into the future.
The doctor asks, "When did this start?"
Patient replies, "Next Tuesday"
A guy name .zip seemed depressed, so I tried talking to him...
What did the tomato say to the person who was about to eat him?
I hate you from my head to-ma-toes.
When we arrived at the playground, I realised my son secretly brought the cat with him. I was about to be angry at him...
...but then I decided to let it slide.
A man was admitted to the hospital for horses in him
A psychotic criminal stole a train. He said the reason was the voices in the head told him to.
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
I went to my best friend's wedding today. He is an awesome fisher. I like him a lot and always come with the finest catch.
But something is very fishy with his new betrouthed.
My friend asked me to meet him at the music store in 45.
I got there in 33, which is record speed.
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can't part with it.
Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
My duck started hiccuping when i gave him some milk
I guess he’s Quack-tose intolerant
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer
I guess it goes without saying
My kid started making an airplane when I kept on telling him not to
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
why did the magician's girlfriend break up with him?
Cause he never revealed any of his secrets.
I was talking to my neighbor's wife and she told me that her dog had bit her husband, so they had to put him down.
Then she asked if I could take out the trash weekly.
But dad, Tommy's father lets him eat his fries with his fingers!
He's wrong, son. The fingers should be eaten separately.
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
Give man a match and you'll keep him warm for a minute.
Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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