Got ourselves a new forklift at work...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gilleod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Free ourselves from the patrolocracy! Viva la Revolupun! reddit.com/r/the_revolupu…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prusseen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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A group I am in have named ourselves team tree and in the spirit of the name we wanted to use as many tree related puns as possible, please help us!

We have the obvious ones like, let's make like a tree and leaf and our group is always branching out, but we would love as many as you can come up with!

Thanks guys

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neptune121
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2017
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We got ourselves some cat weed otherwise known as

Meowajuana

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLGBANANABUS
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Whenever we look at old photos of ourselves as kids

"You were so cute then. ...What happened?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smilee62991
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
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I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.

We call ourselves On and On Anon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Winfinity
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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When I lived in Washington, DC, I formed a rock band with a friend who lived with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder.

OC/DC, we called ourselves.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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my wife & i have been missing our dog

our dog recently passed & my wife has been crying alot, i tried to cheer her up by finding ourselves an identical dog. she screamed at me, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 2 DEAD DOGS?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacob_crozier
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense

I always knew we would wipe ourselves out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Dad jokes...on him

My father is fond of jokes and pranks (even though I only pretend to laugh .-.) but there's this story that I always would genuinely laugh at whenever it is brought up. So here it goes...

We've always gone to Church every Sunday when we were kids and on one of those Sundays, my father decided to make my mother laugh by shaving only HALF of his beard. So while the other side has hair, the other is shaved. He casually walked up to my mother and asked if he looked good in his "new fashion style." My mother laughed so hard she couldn't breathe.

When that was over, we got ourselves ready and went to Church. While praying, there was a bunch of people looking at my father. He noticed that as soon as he looked at those people, they'd cover their face, bow their heads and walk away. He felt weird. So he got into this 'thinking position' where he had his hands to play with his beard. And that's when he realized...HE FORGOT TO SHAVE THE OTHER HALF AT HOME AND NO ONE NOTICED UNTIL WE GOT THERE. HAHAHHAHAHA He was so embarassed, he covered his whole face until mass was over.

That's all folks. Thank you for coming to my dad talks .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thecember
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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Watch out! r/puns is in danger

r/punpatrol

r/punKGB

r/Pun_Internal_Affairs

r/punspecialforces

These are the names of our oppressors! There may be more, but they are our greatest threat. They are currently amassing an army to try to end puns as we know it.

If we are to save this beautiful form of our language, than we must unite! We must not divide ourselves by titles, but unite ourselves as punners!

They plan on eradicating all puns by going to the source, the pun user. Are we to let ourselves be undermined by those who think they are better than us? Are we to let ourselves and all future generations be banned from puns? If you say no, then join in the revolt

##VIVA LA R/PUNS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyThunderStorm22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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my boss loves to set me up to say the punchline of a great dad-joke

I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xRVAx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
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Simon says

This happened last night. I laughed way too hard after it so figured I’d share. Driving with my three sons playing Simon says in the backseat.

Oldest son: β€œSimon says place your hand on someone else’s head” Me angrily interrupting: β€œNO we’re keeping our hands to ourselves” Oldest son: β€œawe cmon dad but we’re playing Simon says we’re not gonna fight” Me: β€œfine......Simon says keep your hands to yourself”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyleorto86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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My coworkers and I were discussing the future and faster than light travel.

One of them said, β€œAll we have to do is make ourselves massless and then we can do it.”

Another replied β€œBut how do we bring our luggage?”

At which point I chimed in, β€œYou pack light.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Newt24
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
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Me and my brother talk about running...

and as I'm holding my month-old daughter I say: I can't run because of my knees.

And after a few seconds, my wife says: "She's not your niece, she's your daughter."

Me and my brother were astound and pissed ourselves laughing.

P.S. I'm U.S., she's Croatian, she never learned English in her entire life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fatjuice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Our project was a bust

We got ahead of ourselves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GirlsUsedToDissMe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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Reminder to Vocalists...

Soprano and Alto: Stop causing treble for other singers.

Bass singers: Stop bringing us down.

And remember our Grand Staff meeting next weekend... assuming we compose ourselves properly and no one gets a flat from something sharp on the way there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_gorawr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2017
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I want to start a rap-metal band and sing about Job searching and start ups

We'll call ourselves LinkedIn Park.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PuroStyle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
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Dad jokes vs Father jokes

Dad and I went to the movies are a few years ago to see the second Lord Of The Rings movie and we found ourselves sitting a row in front of the catholic priest, Father John, who married dad and my step mother. We were in a small rural town so they started chatting about local sport and affairs and so on.

The trailers start and they kept talking quietly. Suddenly, a preview for "The Passion Of The Christ" comes on. Afterwards dad says

"Oh, that looks like one for you, Father"

Father John looks a little unsure

"Yeah, well, I've already read the book..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zenkraft
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
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I used to be part of a worldwide clandestine organization that sold adult toys made from lightweight metal.

We called ourselves β€œThe AluminumNaughty”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skarkroe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2017
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Dad jokes from the Far East

Went to Japan with my wife a couple years ago, brought a paper map everywhere.

Every time we got off a train I would pull out the map and say, "Now we just have to orient ourselves..."

I giggled like a girl every time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lewmarster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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Collard Greens

My Mom, Dad, and I were sitting down for dinner and we started serving ourselves.

Mom: This Collard greens recipe is really good.

Me: I bet, I like collard greens.

Dad: Me too, I like crewneck greens as well.

It took us a second but the groans and eyerolls were inevitable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yogriffman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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The recent post about the "Quackopotamous" reminded me...

When I was a wee lad, about 5 or 6 , my dad and I went to the beach on a vacation. I, having never seen the ocean, learned many new things, like how tides work, and how there's seemingly billions of white flying rats that the world calls Seagulls.

Fast forward a few weeks to us being back home in Kansas City, MO where no beaches or seagulls are to be found. My dad and I were running errands and found ourselves at the local Target, where in the parking lot I spotted dozens of white birds that looked eerily similar to the Seagulls I had learned about weeks before.

"Dad, what're those?" I inquired

"Oh, son those are called Parkinglotgulls. Yeah they're close cousins of the seagull!"

And that's how I came to call those white birds that flock around parking lots worldwide "Parkinglotgulls" even to this day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/monroeshton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
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My dad told me this story...

Not really sure if it qualifies as a 'dad joke', but I laughed my arse off. He was telling me about a joke he played on my mum when they were younger, before I was born.

We're from Australia, and there's a lot of places out woopwoop that are just empty. Him and mum were driving in the middle of bumfuck nowheresville, and they came up to a train crossing. Only thing is, because of where it was, there weren't any boom gates; it was just the track cutting through the middle of the road. On each side of the road was really high grass, so he actually had to poke the car out a bit so it was on the tracks to be able to see on either side. So he pulls the car out (in Australia, the driver is on the right side of the car instead of the left), and he looks to his right. No train coming. He looks to his left, and mum also looks left. Dad sticks his hand out the window, screams NO!!! and slams his hand on the side of the door really hard. It scared the shit out of mum so much that she actually started crying. He told me this and we both posses ourselves laughing for about 10 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnholyDemigod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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My grandfather felt the need to explain us who exactly "Jack Schitt" is and how much we REALLY don't know him.

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my personal genealogy research efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaeqPiegDeivys
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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Dadjoked my girlfriend at dinner last night

We were eating ribs, and serving ourselves when she said to me --

Her - Use the fork to grab a rib

Me - Oh, that's what they were telling Luke to do all the time!

Her - Luke? What do you mean?

Me - In Star Wars, you know. . . . 'use the fork Luke!'

Her - . . . . . . . ugh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nlpavalko
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2015
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My niece got me with this a year ago, it came up on an "On This Day" post in FB yesterday.

I'm a deaf man and I communicate via a combination of American Sign Language and English spoken language. My niece and I were sitting at a restaurant enjoying ourselves when she looks at me and signs, "I'm so glad I know sign language. It's really handy!"

I actually facepalmed on this one for the second time when it came up in my newsfeed yesterday. I'm such a proud uncle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/defguysezhuh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2016
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Dad joked the chancellor of my university.

I'm on the rowing team at my university and the chancellor (a clergyman, no less) came down to the boathouse to check out a new boat named after him.

As we were all introducing ourselves and shaking hands, the chancellor said that he liked my hair. I said "Thanks! I grew it myself."

You could hear the groans for miles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stonecoldbastard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2014
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Giving out dadjokes for Xmas

My girlfriend and I were visiting her mother for the holidays. She's a sweet li'l ol' church lady, and my gf & I were expecting to have an evening to ourselves while she went to choir practice -- until she got a call from the musical director saying he was sick, and that practice would be cancelled.

"Well," I said, "I guess her presence is no longer re-choired."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemthenga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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My 8th grade English teacher got me.

My 8th grade English teacher was a huge dad-joker, even though he was like 25 at the time (this was 3 years ago)

He was playing at his desk with a ton of rubber bands, making them taut then flicking them to hear their vibration. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "Creating the first song to my new band, we call ourselves the Rubber Band."

Not the best, but I certainly groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Howley7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2014
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Christmas joke on my brother

My brother asked for weight plates for Christmas and when he opened up the box there was only one plate instead of the set of two. He made a comment to me saying that there was only one but we just joked amongst ourselves. About halfway through our gift unwrapping, my dad brings out the second weight plate from another room and thinks it is the funniest thing ever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rustafarian7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
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I died after this incident.

So we are all standing around eating dessert and my girlfriend is explaining to my dad how she burnt the cookies. I attempt to quell her stresses by telling her "don't worry, me and my dad are crisponians and have a deeper taste for crisp". My father responds with "I may be a crisponian but this might be crisponite". Everyone in the room was laughing except for my 13 year old sister, it was priceless.

This is the same guy that, on a road trip (shortly after the wendy's "finger in chili incident"), was trying to persuade us to visit the establishment whilst passing by. When i said i didn't want to he said "What's the matter don't you like finger food?". He followed up with "Wendy's: We put a little bit of ourselves into everything we make.". And finally simultaneously made every passenger pee their pants when he raised a clenched fist and said "WENDY"S! WERE #1!!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kronox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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I was out for lunch with my girlfriend today…

And we found ourselves more interested in the napkin dispenser than we probably should have. It occurred to us that there was an industry in these dispensers, and we should join it and crush the competition.

I quipped, "Yes. We need to make our own napkin empire, and beat the Ottoman Empire."

She said that joke could and should become famous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jelvinjs7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
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So I was changing in a stall at a track meet

when I took off my jeans and the change in my pocket went all over the floor. So guy from another team in the stall next to me than responded with

"oh are you have trouble with the change ?"

We both had ourselves a good chuckle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abujad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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Dad joked by a coworker

We were making coffee out of a french press. I told her that there would be a lot of espresso in the bottom of the cup. Her response was perfect.

"We all just gotta espresso ourselves sometimes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kycats46
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
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Robots like cookies.

Friend: Did you hear that robots are going to be smarter than humans by 2045? Do you want to build a bunker now or wait for the good, stupid robots and make them do it for us?
Me: Nah, bro. We gotta do it ourselves. The bad robots will retrieve the good robots' memory and find our bunker.
Friend: Maybe we could bribe them with cookies?
Me: I doubt we have enough cookies, robots take megabytes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtaxNOOOOOO
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
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Dad-joked a friend, then a few days later, karma dad-joked me spectacularly in return

I just came back from a holiday back to the UK to visit friends and family (am an expat).

While we were there we went to a nice community festival, with some great beers. An American friend of a friend proudly proclaimed that he’d bought a pint of red stout.

Looking up at the board, and seeing the name of the beer, my eyes lit up: a golden opportunity had just presented itself.

β€˜Nah mate, that’s not red stout, it’s called Red Stoat. You do know what a stoat is, right?

[confusion]

β€˜Well, it’s a little rodent, a bit like a weasel. You know how you can tell the difference between a stoat and a weasel?’

β€˜Er..’

β€˜Well’, I says, β€˜a weasel is weasily identifiable, and a stoat is stoatally different.’

Cue a puzzled look on the guys face, and a moment’s silence, broken by me and my friend pissing ourselves laughing, not at the joke of course, but at his reaction.

So this was all very well and good, just another in the litany of bad jokes that floats in my wake, and I thought the story ended there.

Karma, however, had other plans…

A few days later, we’re up in the Lake District, walking back to the hotel after a pub dinner. As we’re walking down the road, we see a small carnivorous rodent dragging the recently deceased body of a rabbit back to its home. It was either a stoat, or a weasel, but you know what? I honestly had no way to tell which…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bimshire
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
🚨︎ report

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