How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.
Every one reading this is on the same page.
Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.
Tonight, we eat like kongs.
My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son could go so far!”
I said, “I know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”
A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.
I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
If I had to rate our solar system...
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
There's a dinner lady at our factory, who's almost seven feet tall.
She's our longest serving employee.
In our next Dnd campaign, the 4 heroes are all going to be singing wizards.
A regular bard-ershop quartet.
Cheesus Christ our lord and savoury
Not to brag, but I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
I know Reddit has servers that all of our jokes are stored in, but I’ve come up with a better solution
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
At the office barbecue, I grilled some rare steak for our boss, and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
My wife was fighting me about doing our kitchen in granite or laminate. She finally told me that we just can’t afford granite right now.
I have to admit... it was a pretty good counter argument.
my wife and I found out that our boy was convicted of burning down houses
no matter what he's still arson
GF- “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”
BF- “ Our relationship is what? Over.”
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight. ;)
Coffee is the silent victim in our house...
We got our air ducts cleaned today
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
An ice-cream van overturned in our road....
Avoid the area, as it has all been coned off.
Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...
I met a midget once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
The Captain of our flight called the cops when he saw a film crew
He heard they were there to shoot a pilot
My Wife told our kids they need to get their acts together.
I asked if it would be ok if they gathered their swords instead. She was not amused.
We are putting away our unused Christmas gift wrap materials, and my son casually comments
“They’re going to be napping papers”
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
While taking a fall foliage tour through Canada last year, our guide asked us what we thought of their trees.
I told him they look oak-eh.
Dad : Oh no! Our neighbor died!
Mom : Who, Ray?
Dad : I don't think cheering is appropriate Karen
We got a new air mattress but it was too lumpy. We called customer support, very angry, demanding our money back!
They said we were blowing it out of proportion.
I was asked to play the triangle in our local symphony orchestra! But I quit because . . .
It was just one ting after another.
The woman in charge of our local primary school has decided to resign.
She wants to quit while she's a head.
Our local priest rides around our town on a motorbike all day.
I won the "Most Secretive Guy" award in our office today.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me
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