What do you call a wizard that walks everywhere barefoot, has poor bone density, and bad breath ?
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
I cloned myself and he is following me everywhere. To the garage, kitchen, bathroom....
Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself
Dads everywhere, every winter solstice at sunset
I just spilt baked beans everywhere.
In Heinz-sight, that was a bad idea
This pandemic means I'm having to walk everywhere...
Getting tired of this car owner virus
Why did the dad like to skip everywhere instead of walk?
He wanted to put his best foot forward
We were moving some boxes to my son's car, when he dropped a Scrabble game and the letters scattered everywhere. So I asked him...
"What's the word on the street?!"
My wife just told me, “I can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”
Me: It seems like....you have a hidden agenda.
I’m forming a coalition that defends dried out grapes everywhere
Man looks everywhere for his colourful tie when his wife tells him "I'm afraid you can't wear it anymore". "Why?"
With summer almost here ond COVID-19 putting restrictions everywhere, please remember that you can't run through a campground.
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
I tried to break an egg to make an omelette, but it's contents went flying everywhere
Vegans everywhere ‘Don’t hate the player, hate the game(y-meat)!’
Did you hear? Parents everywhere are feeling disoriented and unable to keep up with their kids while at home.
An announcement was made by the Center for Dizzies Control.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
There's a type of mushroom I bring everywhere, to dinner parties, bball games, work, they easily fit in my pocket
They're called portablebellos.
I’ve been looking for sanitizer everywhere
But I just can’t get my hands on it....
Blonde: "Doctor, I have pain all over my body. Everywhere I touch hurts".
Doctor: "Your finger is broken".
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...
She was waving an illegal fire arm.
What did they tell Michael Jackson’s son when he asked why he had to go everywhere with a bodyguard.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Dads everywhere on December 31st..
See you next decade! Laughing maniacally
A large truck transporting wigs and toupees has crashed on a major highway sending its cargo everywhere.
Police are still combing the area.
My mom has us all on a tropical fruit diet. the stuff is everywhere.
it's enough to make a mango crazy.
Everywhere else it’s July 24 except the UK
where it’s the end of May.
On my recent trip to Florida, I noticed there were signs everywhere that said, “beware of crocs”
I wonder why they are so afraid of shoes down there.
I went to dinner with a nun the other night and I asked why she had to wear her outfit everywhere
She said it’s an old habit
My son started to panic after he dropped a huge jar of pickles and got pickles everywhere.
“Don’t worry,” I told him. “Everything’s kosher.”
I was screaming. It was everywhere. It was all around me.
"Poop everywhere"
Son had taken off his diaper this morning and decided play with his poop. It was literally everywhere. As we are all (wife, daughter, and I) cleaning up and getting him clean I hear coming from the bathroom, which has only my daughter (13) and my son (11mo.)
"What a shitty morning"
I couldn't even be mad. I couldn't have been more proud of her.
What do you call an ant that follows you everywhere?
A man was cursed to have lines everywhere
He went to the border of his city but there was a border line, he went to the coast but there was a coast line, he once asked a girl on a date but there was a date line. They go out on a date and go to a club named “head” but there was a “head” line, after dancing with his date she says she is thirsty, so being a good date he goes to get a her some punch
But there was no punch line.
If marijuana was legal everywhere...
I kept finding pennies everywhere in the house. The child said it was the toothfairy, i locked all the windows and doors to show nothing could get in.
Rivers love the little rocks on their floor so much, they carry them everywhere they go. Riveres are incredibly sedimental
What animal on the Savannah runs everywhere hastily, i.e. it doesn't walk?
Why don't astronauts care about leaving crumbs everywhere?
Tried looking everywhere for some bread in Ecuador’s capital, but couldn’t find any.
They are all on the keto diet.
I used to have the complete Agatha Christie collectionbut this morning I woke up to find that half of it was missing. I looked everywhere but couldn't find them and it was driving me mad...
I'm sick of having products promoted to me everywhere I go.
My wife: I lost my datebook. I looked everywhere and can’t find it!!
Me: It looks like... you got a hidden agenda.
Her: Have you seen my day planner? I can’t seem to find it, and I looked everywhere!
Me: It looks like....you have a hidden agenda.
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