What do you call a wizard that walks everywhere barefoot, has poor bone density, and bad breath ?

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/son-of-CRABS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I cloned myself and he is following me everywhere. To the garage, kitchen, bathroom....

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Dads everywhere, every winter solstice at sunset

Man, today flew by

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThamilandryLFY
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I just spilt baked beans everywhere.

In Heinz-sight, that was a bad idea

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Salt_E_Plum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
This pandemic means I'm having to walk everywhere...

Getting tired of this car owner virus

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/listenup78
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the dad like to skip everywhere instead of walk?

He wanted to put his best foot forward

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
We were moving some boxes to my son's car, when he dropped a Scrabble game and the letters scattered everywhere. So I asked him...

"What's the word on the street?!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just told me, β€œI can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”

Me: It seems like....you have a hidden agenda.

πŸ‘︎ 869
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m forming a coalition that defends dried out grapes everywhere

I’m raisin awareness

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Man looks everywhere for his colourful tie when his wife tells him "I'm afraid you can't wear it anymore". "Why?"

Tie died.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dinzll
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
With summer almost here ond COVID-19 putting restrictions everywhere, please remember that you can't run through a campground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dabiker68
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to break an egg to make an omelette, but it's contents went flying everywhere

Ugh. Yolk.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honest2dog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Vegans everywhere β€˜Don’t hate the player, hate the game(y-meat)!’
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLisaShow2020
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear? Parents everywhere are feeling disoriented and unable to keep up with their kids while at home.

An announcement was made by the Center for Dizzies Control.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.

We looked in every nook and granny!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a type of mushroom I bring everywhere, to dinner parties, bball games, work, they easily fit in my pocket

They're called portablebellos.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SmokeRingHalo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been looking for sanitizer everywhere

But I just can’t get my hands on it....

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/petersize10
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Blonde: "Doctor, I have pain all over my body. Everywhere I touch hurts".

Doctor: "Your finger is broken".

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Dirty horse everywhere
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PompousFraud
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...

She was waving an illegal fire arm.

πŸ‘︎ 574
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kaidendeck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What did they tell Michael Jackson’s son when he asked why he had to go everywhere with a bodyguard.

β€œSecurity, Blanket. β€œ

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nftpc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.

I just can't part with it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Dads everywhere on December 31st..

See you next decade! Laughing maniacally

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A large truck transporting wigs and toupees has crashed on a major highway sending its cargo everywhere.

Police are still combing the area.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My mom has us all on a tropical fruit diet. the stuff is everywhere.

it's enough to make a mango crazy.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ok0_0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Everywhere else it’s July 24 except the UK

where it’s the end of May.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZonieDrew
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
On my recent trip to Florida, I noticed there were signs everywhere that said, β€œbeware of crocs”

I wonder why they are so afraid of shoes down there.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to dinner with a nun the other night and I asked why she had to wear her outfit everywhere

She said it’s an old habit

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ypg-235
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My son started to panic after he dropped a huge jar of pickles and got pickles everywhere.

β€œDon’t worry,” I told him. β€œEverything’s kosher.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I was screaming. It was everywhere. It was all around me.

It was.... My belt.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nateklay2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
"Poop everywhere"

Son had taken off his diaper this morning and decided play with his poop. It was literally everywhere. As we are all (wife, daughter, and I) cleaning up and getting him clean I hear coming from the bathroom, which has only my daughter (13) and my son (11mo.)

"What a shitty morning"

I couldn't even be mad. I couldn't have been more proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Epicarvllyn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Everywhere
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maildejoaquin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an ant that follows you everywhere?

A pursuant.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A man was cursed to have lines everywhere

He went to the border of his city but there was a border line, he went to the coast but there was a coast line, he once asked a girl on a date but there was a date line. They go out on a date and go to a club named β€œhead” but there was a β€œhead” line, after dancing with his date she says she is thirsty, so being a good date he goes to get a her some punch

But there was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Icantevenread24
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
If marijuana was legal everywhere...

"Weed" be very happy. 😊

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beyond-Dreams86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I kept finding pennies everywhere in the house. The child said it was the toothfairy, i locked all the windows and doors to show nothing could get in.

It's just common cents

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aliceinwaterland
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Rivers love the little rocks on their floor so much, they carry them everywhere they go. Riveres are incredibly sedimental
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Denye_Azadini
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
🚨︎ report
What animal on the Savannah runs everywhere hastily, i.e. it doesn't walk?

The anti-lope.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don't astronauts care about leaving crumbs everywhere?

Space is a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/6DollarShirtsAds
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Tried looking everywhere for some bread in Ecuador’s capital, but couldn’t find any.

They are all on the keto diet.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to have the complete Agatha Christie collectionbut this morning I woke up to find that half of it was missing. I looked everywhere but couldn't find them and it was driving me mad...

I'd lost my Marples

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drondol
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm sick of having products promoted to me everywhere I go.

I'm ad nauseous.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slmckay73
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife: I lost my datebook. I looked everywhere and can’t find it!!

Me: It looks like... you got a hidden agenda.

πŸ‘︎ 121
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Her: Have you seen my day planner? I can’t seem to find it, and I looked everywhere!

Me: It looks like....you have a hidden agenda.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.