My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
Met a beautiful girl over Spring Break in Mexico, but she constantly talked about the end of the world.
I have a friend who constantly make jokes about deserts
Why do old people constantly play golf?
So they can lower their amount of strokes
My Wife Constantly Asks If I’m Listening to What She’s Saying
Such a weird way to start a conversation.
I have an asian friend who's constantly mad
Why is my stud finder constantly going off even when it isn't touching the wall?
Oh wait... I'm holding it.
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
What’s Orange and Lies Constantly?
An abandoned basketball, but I like where your head’s at.
So, you do understand how constantly treating life like an improv class is unhealthy right?
My 7-year old son constantly insists that I use my ballet skills around the house...
He really keeps me on my toes.
I have a dog who constantly nips at my feet.
It’s ok though. He’s a good healer.
My girlfriend is constantly getting angry at me for texting my ex’s
The weird thing is she could care less when I text my O’s
If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.
I'd hate to toot my own horn.
My wife constantly takes my breath away.
She really should wear less perfume.
I am making a movie about unemployed people constantly robbing banks.
They have done a few takes, but none worked
My wife just called me an idiot for constantly mixing up my idioms.
But it takes one to know someone.
Why don't people, who constantly step on Plastic toy brick, just
Don’t be too harsh on people who are constantly taking selfies.
They are just trying to save face.
All my friends think I’m weird for constantly eating ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But hey, that’s Hawaii roll.
My 3 year old is constantly asking me questions about the new fish we got
He sure axolotl questions!
If someone can explain to me why my stuff constantly gets stolen..
My neighbor leaves his sprinkler running constantly, sometimes days at a time.
Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...
And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides.
I’m getting sick and tired of my wife constantly accusing me of sitting around and doing nothing.
I’m not going to stand for it.
why are they constantly fighting? because they're all a little shellfish.
I hate it when people constantly tell me I “don’t get it”.
What does that even mean?
What kind of cheese does someone who's constantly alone like to eat the most?
My sister and I have to deal with pops constantly joking with lame quips and puns...
You could say /r/dadjokes a lot.
My friend's cats constantly surround her. She can't even get a moment's peace to read a book.
Sometimes you just have to read between felines
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
A friend of mine is constantly borrowing money. I said to him, “I don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.”
He said, “Oh please...you really should give me a bit more credit.”
I have a friend who is constantly bouncing off the walls
I think his name is Rick O'shea
A woman gave birth to a head: no arms, no legs, no torso. They named it "Rary" as this was so rare. Rary was not happy and constantly swore. Having enough, the family goes to the Grand Canyon and toss Rary in. As they look over the edge, the mother comments:
It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary
I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Do you know about the herbalist who constantly has difficult problems to solve?
I think she was called Dill Emma
My wife threatened to leave me unless I stopped constantly playing 80’s music.
I told her to wake me up before you go go.
A son is telling his dad a story that he had learned in history class. The father’s other child constantly interrupted his sibling’s story. The dad had enough and told his interrupting child,
“Stop interrupting! It’s not your story, it’s ‘history.’”
Edit: not sure how to express the pun of the word ‘history’ so to clarify, it’s a play on ‘his story.’
What do you call a group of dads who constantly take pictures of their kids?
What bird is constantly surprised by the amount of insects.
My neighbor leaves his sprinkler running constantly, sometimes days at a time.
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