Invariable Puns

They're clockwise.

Incontinence

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

If someone has a go from long range, the commentator will invariably say something like, "A good effort from distance" to which my dad will ALWAYS say, "I didn't even know Distance was playing today".

Dad sees someone drinking a can of soda pop. He points to the tab on the top and says, "ever seen one of those used as a duck call?"

Invariably they'll say "no."

He'll pull the top off, slightly bend it several times, each time blowing a practice puff through it, and then put it to his mouth and yell....

...."HERRRRRRRE DUCKY DUCKY DUCKY!!!!!"

My dad will order an O'Douls N/A beer with dinner. When the server invariably asks if he wants another, he responds, "No, I better not. I'm driving tonight."

Whenever my family has Bean Salad, someone will invariably say "If it's been salad, what is it now?"

Invariably at a restaurant:

1. Time for dessert. "Do you want a Sundae?" "Well you can't have one because it is only Saturday."
2. leftovers at a chinese restaurant. "Can we have a dragon bag?" (instead of a doggie bag)
3. At Taco bell. "Do you want the chiwauwa tacos?"

Any birthday or Christmas when dad is opening a gift he'll invariably shake it and claim

"I know! It's a fur sink!"

Just a random thing he finds hilarious.