What's something a drug dealer would never ask?
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket
"Do you wanna see how far I can kick that bucket?"
What do you call a teenager who never grows up?
Never buy shoes from a drug dealer...
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What's something you should never say to a blind girlfriend?
I think we should see other people.
I was taught to never use the Oxford comma
by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.
Sadly, Aquaman was never able to finish college.
All his grades were below C level.
Never fart in an apple store
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..
"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"
I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal
I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal….
Elon-gate would be really drawn out.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham
Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.
People said I would never be good at poetry because I was dyslexic.
But so far I've made two vases and a bowl and they turned out great!
Never blame anyone else for the road you're on...
...that's your own asphalt!
Why did the Soviet Union never take off?
Because they kept Stalin 🤠🤠🤠
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?
Because they always get lost at C.
Why should you never offer gross food to a Russian?
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
Knowledge is never free...
Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
Before, I thought I could never become a ninja...
I would cheat the Golden Globes. Hell, I would even manipulate the Academy Awards. But I would NEVER
Skeptic: This ninja star can never fit through that gap!
You should never have phone sex.
You might get hearing aids
I could never date a kleptomaniac.
I don't think I have what it takes.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
Why do teddy bears never want to eat?
Why they are always stuffed!
Why do redditors never have their settings on light mode?
Well, we aren't the brightest people
I never played football but people used to call me Messi.
Ah! I guess, I should clean my room.
I never finish anything
I have a blackbelt in partial arts
I've never been married....
But, I've had a few near Mrs.
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Never bet on real estate.
Noah never went fishing.
Because he only had 2 worms.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
My wife just said: "You never listen to me!"
And I thought that was a weird way to start a conversation.
Why would you never murder on an elevator?
Because it's wrong on so many levels
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
I’ve never understood why baby dogs are called puppies...
When they could be called subwoofers
You should never bother a fat person at a buffet..
They’ve got a lot on their plate..
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
Before, I thought I could never become a ninja...
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