A chameleon went to the doctor and said he was having trouble changing his colors. The doctor did some tests and called the chameleon. He informed the chameleon that unfortunately he was suffering from...
a-reptile-disfunction.
My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked “what’s going to happen, am I going to be alright?”
I told him; ‘Surgery’.
After a long and difficult battle with 2020, unfortunately...
2021
A guy got two dogs and named them One and Two. One has unfortunately escaped.
But it's ok, he still has Two left.
(Thanks for the joke, dad).
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...
It must have been the delivery...
Unfortunately since quarantine,
I can only tell inside jokes.
My daughter's teacher gave her a project to write the English alphabet on slips of paper. Unfortunately 25 letter slips got wrinkled on her way to school.
But atleast she has a smoothie
So Gandhi fasted every day. His body got weaker and weaker. His feet grew incredibly tough from walking barefoot. He was deep into Hindu spirituality. Unfortunately, he had chronic bad breath.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that Gandhi was a super fragile, calloused mystic suffering from halitosis.
A man was tired of drinking well water as he didn't like the taste. In fact, he hated it so much that he decided to destroy the well using dynamite. Unfortunately...
It didn't end well.
A salesman said his windows were unbreakable, so I punched one. That hurt, but not nearly as much as the window falling off the display and landing on my head. Unfortunately I can't sue...
...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.
I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
He re-Poe-ed them.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening...
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Unfortunately, my wife left me recently because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face...
(Adapted from a youtube comment)
I put the memory device with the class assignment into the computer. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong one and porn started showing.
Oooops. Wrong USB.
Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died.
It is, however, a huge weight off my shoulders.
Unfortunately found my beautiful pet turkey dead today
Decided to make the best of it and turn him into tompost
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. Unfortunately, it just seems to have made him sluggish.
There was this news reporter who enjoyed incorporating puns into their reports. One day, they had to cover the story of a mass stabbing. Unfortunately, the reporter couldn't think of a pun so they just sighed and went on to report the news how it was...
"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"
Bruce Willis unfortunately passed away this morning.
Due to it being in the morning, he died hard.
I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but unfortunately I had to stop.
The steaks were too high
Unfortunately my father passed away because we couldn’t figure out his blood type
His last words were “be positive”
The mayor of Cowville hosted a citywide celebration of their milk. At the opening ceremony the mayor stood proudly above a pool of milk to show the exceptional quality. Unfortunately as he left the stage he fell into the pool of milk. The townsmen quickly rescued him and asked if he was okay:
"Yes", he said, "I'm all-white".
My friend had a small horse that he tried taking trail riding. It died the first trip, unfortunately.
It was a one-trek pony.
I bought these pretty flowers from Micheals the other day. They have a multi-chrome shine to them. Unfortunately, the flowers have an odour to them.
They have an irideSCENT
I was in the gym the other day, when I saw a man get down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately she said no!
Well that didn't workout...
Hoping to collect on insurance, I bought a bumper sticker for my old car saying, "Please Steal Me." Unfortunately it didn't work.
They stole the sticker and left the car.
For their 50th anniversary, my parents went on vacation, but unfortunately, my dad got really ill. When they got back, I asked, "Dad, what made you so sick in Hawaii?" He laughed and said...
"Poi, son."
Recently, my father passed away in the hospital. He had a cardiac problem, and we needed to perform a blood transfusion in order to save him. Unfortunately, none of us knew his blood type.
As he was dying, he kept telling us to "be positive," but it's incredibly hard to without him.
Unfortunately, the Chinese takeout restaurant forgot my cookies.
My friend is a pretty unsuccessful farmer. But he tries a lot to promote his business on social media by providing a new profile picture every 3 months. Unfortunately the picture always seems to have his head or side chopped off a bit.
Another season, another bad crop.
My doctor told me I have 20-20 vision so that’s how I know that trumps unfortunately getting re-elected
All credits go to my friend
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
I'm driving my wife to the hospital since shes in labor, Unfortunately she gives birth in the car to a baby boy.
I named him Carson
I'm a historian who studies the American Civil War. Unfortunately, it's been hard making money at this.
So I applied for a General Grant.
Captain obvious is unfortunately not with us anymore.
I recently dated a mime but unfortunately we broke up
He felt that a wall had come between us.
There were five kids from Venice Beach in the car, but unfortunately not one of them surf-vibed.
When my mom made bread one day I asked her whether she kneaded any help. Unfortunately she didn't get that one.
Unfortunately I’ve some bad news to report about shortcakes.
They are not going to make them any longer.
Did you hear about the guy who sent ten puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
When I was little, we went to an outdoor lecture featuring the original cast of Star Trek. I was especially excited to see Bones. Unfortunately, we were seated toward the side of the amphitheater, where huge oaks had been planted to frame the stage.
As a result, I couldn't see DeForest through the trees
My grandmother, a very devout member of the Spiritualist church, used to communicate with departed spirits at her congregation. Unfortunately, she passed away last week. By all accounts, it was a peaceful death.
Perhaps she'll be able to tell me herself at the funeral
My wife and I were talking about starting a family and all the health things you're supposed to do like not eat processed sliced meats. Unfortunately she currently eats a turkey sandwich most days for her lunch.
I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.
Scientists have learned how to send humans into the future. Unfortunately, the process causes the subject's bowels to release uncontrollably.
It's a real blast from the past.
