Does this mean we're doomed?
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Relationships between hockey πŸ’ players and figure skaters are always doomed to failure.

No one is willing to break the ice.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fladavpam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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No matter how hard I study farming and angles, I’m doomed to be an amateur.

I’ll never be a protractor.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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The soviet union was doomed to fail.

The red flags were everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?

All the red flags.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frankfurt995
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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A business doomed to sink
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevsterbooy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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Eventually, we’re all doomed to end up in super modern offices where the walls are whiteboards

The writing is on the wall

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GabeRothel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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Communism was doomed to fail.

Who in the Hell has a problem with proper tea?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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Earth is doomed

The earth is doomed, women should go back to Venus, men to Mars, and us gays will go deep into Uranus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sergobe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
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megdeth/doom pun
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πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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I won’t get to use my water cannon of doom

Water shame

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doomboy1808
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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What is the Doom Slayer’s favorite hobby?

He likes to raze hell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Runeald_Waslib
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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What’s the difference between the internet and doom?

The internet has al gore, doom has all gore

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy!

Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?

Gingersnap


Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?

Snickerdoodle


Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?

Shortbread


Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?

Angel food


Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?

Peach cobbler


Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?

Baked Alaska


Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?

German chocolate


Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?

Lemon bars


Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?

Fondant


Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?

Sherbet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrefrog25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Indiana Jones and the Shirley Temple of Doom [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAlverde
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Everyone talks about CO2 in the atmosphere which will lead to our impending doom...

However, methane is also silent but deadly.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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All these conspiracy theorists just spinning yarns.

They are nothing but loom and doom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BandDirector17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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People dying from laughter are why the quest for immortality is no joke.

We are all doomed!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuskiHuski
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck named DuckleBerry Finn. A canary named Jim Canary. A swarm of bees, all named BeeyoncΓ©. A sheep named Meryl Sheep. An elk named Elkton John. A bear named Teddy Mercury. A ram named Gordon RAMsey. A shark named Fin Diesel. A jellyfish named Jelly Clarkson. An Iguana named Eddie Lizard. A hyena named Hyena Bonham Carter. A penguin named Robird Downey Jr.

a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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Toothpaste.

So my dad was going through his normal morning ritual, when he screamed "GODDAMMIT" from the bathroom. He walked out a few minutes later, looking sad.

Me: "What was the yelling about?"

Dad: "I dropped my toothpaste."

Me: "That made you upset?"

Dad: "No, ZTheJerk. Upset doesn't cover it. I'm absolutely crestfallen."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2014
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I'm disappointed in the the overuse of Dad jokes in today's society

We're a fairly advanced society, we need jokes with content that makes us think. All these easy laughs are making us dumber by the second, and we just keep rewarding them with upvotes that convince the lazy among us to keep churning out lazy jokes. Comedy is one of the only common traits things in every society and culture on this planet and we may not always agree with what is funny, it's very subjective, but no society or culture has no comedy. It's one of the most effective unifiers in all human existence. Of course it's just my two cents, but we really need to avoid cheapening it. There are 6500 spoken languages in the world and this is the most widely spoken, the least spoken languages of course being sign language. Someone once said "a world without laughter would be like a world without warmth, a dark hole in the ground filled with cold water." I know they mean well, but I think it's worse than that. There are three unwritten rules for how comedy should function in the world. We have to learn to follow them or we're doomed as a people, forever, however just like there are two butts in the word "assassin", there are two caveats to this dire situation with lessons learned from the best there is. One is the lesson we can take from Switzerland, I'm not entirely sure what makes them so good at integrating comedy into their lives, but their flag is a huge plus. The other is the lesson we can learn from farmers who know how to put what's important first, how to put in the effort into growing something, and they are always outstanding in their field. We get too caught up in standard modalities of thinking and none of us are totally all right, in fact most of us are at least close to half left. In closing, the absence of comedy when you really think about it, is fear. Fear of the ups and downs of life, much like a fear of elevators. And just like a fear of elevators, we all must take steps to avoid it. Thank you for your time.

Disappointed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mnemonikos82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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So I'm one of them now

This just happened about an hour ago.

I was holding my infant son, and my wife asked me to hand her the Aquaphor. I said it is a shame we don't have a Dickphor. She just stared at me.

"I don't know what you are saying," she said flatly.

"A dickphor. You know, a dickphor."

"... no idea."

"Oh you know, a dickphor." At this point I'm laughing.

"Wha... I get that you are saying 'dick' instead of 'qua', but I don't understand what that means." She was laughing too by now.

"A dickphor! You've heard of a dickphor! A dickphor!" I figured if I said it enough, she would eventually give me the reply I now needed more than anything.

"... what is a dickph-" she realized in that moment that she had given me exactly what I was after. I could see in her face that she wanted to go back, to un-ask the question. But it was too late. I couldn't hold back long enough for her to even finish the sentence.

"PEEING!" I squealed triumphantly. Not since the Parthian capharacts defeated the calvary of Crassus at Carrhae has a victory tasted so sweet.

We both laughed long enough for our 8 month old son to realize that he was doomed to a life of dadjokes.

πŸ‘︎ 599
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatbridge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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Those who forget the pasta...

...are doomed to reheat it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WondrousMoose
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
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asking for a loan

Mr. Sterling Frogsen was desperate. After a few months of success, his bakery was beginning to flounder and running in the red. He was a proud man who was proud of starting his small business without asking for any help. But now times were tough and he had to face the fact that without a loan his bakery was doomed.

So he went to local bank but was disheartened to see that the loan officer was the notorious Patricia Wacomb, the hard-nosed banker who only agreed to sure bets and rarely took risks.

"Please, ma'am, I am in sore need of this loan! My bakery is only going through a temporary setback!" Normally such pleas fell on deaf ears, but today Patricia was feeling generous. Something about Mr. Frogsen moved her and she believed his plight.

"Mr. Frogsen, I would approve this loan, but this bank cannot afford to take any risks."

"Is there anything you can do, Ms. Wacomb? I am desperate!"

"Well, do you have any collateral?"

"Only this family heirloom," Sterling responded while handing Patricia his prized family treasure. Patricia was at a loss, however, for she had never seen anything like that before.

"Let me ask my manager," she responded as she showed her director the prized heirloom. His eyes opened wide in amazement as he told her,

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, now give the Frog a loan!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mxwp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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I hope I passed history

As those who fail history are doomed to repeat it.

Credit goes to /u/Tehrasha who is a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HReflex
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
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What do you call the Grim Reaper's Father's favorite evil chair?

Death's Pa's Seat O' Doom

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyCoolCelt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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My dad memorized this palindrome.

Are we not pure? β€œNo sir!” Panama’s moody Noriega brags. β€œIt is garbage!” Irony dooms a man; a prisoner up to new era.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThUltimateGuy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2017
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Pre-Dad joke. I'm thankful my mom didn't give up right there.

My parents were on one of their first dates back in the day driving down the highway. They passed a sign that said "Plant Entrance"

Dad - "But..where do the people go in?"

Mom still groans to this day when she tells it. She should've known she was doomed

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goaskalice3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2014
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The vicious cycle continues.....

First and foremost, this is my first actual reddit post (been a lurker for some time now). Anyways, onto the dad jokes. Recently as I have been getting older, it's becoming more and more apparent that I am doomed to inheritance of the typical dad jokes, especially my dad's favorites. Many a time now have I passed a graveyard in the car, asking any occupants, "you see that place over there? people are dying to get in". cue groans and stifled giggles But what about dad rage? Something his grandfather used to say, and he has said, and now I say....road rage makes for the weirdest rages. "Get out, put it on a string and pull it behind you". Yes, I have said that. I AM DOOMED REDDIT. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMadMandalorian
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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We've been trying to get our daily servings of vegetables in...

When my dad got home from work my little brother said, "I ate a whole carrot today!"

Dad said "a whole carrot?! that must have been hard to swallow!!"

I'm doomed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boston_trauma
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2014
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Me to my uncle: I'm going to get a haircut!

Uncle: Which one?

Ba doom tss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catherinehavok
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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You know what they say about communism,

Red flags everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laundaries
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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