This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’
I said: ‘Is that a fret?'
I went into a pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish, the bloke asked if I wanted an aquarium.
I said I don’t care what star sign it is
A bloke runs in to a bar and says. Quick how tall are penguins? The barman says about three feet. The man groans and says :--
I have just run over a NUN
Two blokes go for a job. Before they can get the job they are asked some questions.
One said to the other i wont get the job i not good at questions.
Dont worry said the other i go in first and i will tell you the answers?
So he goes in the boss said to him; If i poke you in the left eye what would happen.
I would go half blind.
If i poke you right eye what would happen.
I would go fully blind.
Congratulations you have got the job. Send the other candidate in.
As the other candidate was going in the he said the answers are Half blind and Fully blind.
Thanks mate and goes to see the boss.
Right said the boss if i cut your ear off what would happen.
I would go half blind.
Okay said the boss if i cut your other ear off what would happen.
I would go fully blind.
The boss looks puzzled and said how do you make that out.
He said thats obvious.
My cap would fall over my eyes!!
I heard once that going down a hill, a bloke tripped with a coffin, and dropped it
He went into a chemist, and said, ‘I need something to stop my coffin’
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me...
What do you call A bloke with no arms or legs floating in the sea?
A bloke wakes up in hospital after an operation and shouts "Doctor I cant feel my legs"
The doctor said i know we chopped your arms off.
A bloke on a tractor just drove past and shouted “the end of the world is nigh”
I think it was farmer geddon
A bloke was getting upset when he found out he needed glasses. “Oh glasses doc, do I have to wear them?”
“Only if you want to see”
At the surgery this bloke told me "I don't trust you to stitch my wound" "
I've just seen a bloke running down the road with a cape on. I shouted, "Are you a superhero?"
He said, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!"
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
I met the bloke that invented crosswords today
I can’t remember his name, it was P something T something R
This bloke just threw a piece of cheese at me, so I said..
There's a bloke just collapsed on the London Eye.
Paramedics are on the scene and they say he's coming round slowly.
What did the classic Greek Scholar say to the fat bloke trying on skinny jeans in his boutique?
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, ‘sometimes I feel like wigwam and sometime I feel like a teepee’.
Doctor says, ‘that’s alright; you’re just too tense.’
I asked my sister why she was still dating that homeless bloke who thinks he’s Elvis.
She said “I’m courting a tramp, I can’t walk out”
Did you hear the one about the deaf bloke?
What do you call a bloke you have to pay after you've finished eating at a restaurant?
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him is that a Fret!
A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world nigh!"
I think it was Farmer Geddon.
A bloke on a tractor has just driven passed me shouting, "The end of the world is nigh."
I think it was Farmer Geddon!
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “can you give me a lift?”
I said “Sure you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it!”
This bloke said to me: I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
A bloke in a tractor just drove past shouting "The End is Nigh!"
I think it was Farmer Geddon.
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