This bloke said to me: β€˜I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’

I said: β€˜Is that a fret?'

πŸ‘︎ 417
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I went into a pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish, the bloke asked if I wanted an aquarium.

I said I don’t care what star sign it is

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sachdamasta
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
A bloke runs in to a bar and says. Quick how tall are penguins? The barman says about three feet. The man groans and says :--

I have just run over a NUN

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Two blokes go for a job. Before they can get the job they are asked some questions.

One said to the other i wont get the job i not good at questions. Dont worry said the other i go in first and i will tell you the answers? So he goes in the boss said to him; If i poke you in the left eye what would happen. I would go half blind. If i poke you right eye what would happen. I would go fully blind. Congratulations you have got the job. Send the other candidate in. As the other candidate was going in the he said the answers are Half blind and Fully blind. Thanks mate and goes to see the boss. Right said the boss if i cut your ear off what would happen. I would go half blind. Okay said the boss if i cut your other ear off what would happen. I would go fully blind. The boss looks puzzled and said how do you make that out. He said thats obvious.

My cap would fall over my eyes!!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard once that going down a hill, a bloke tripped with a coffin, and dropped it

He went into a chemist, and said, β€˜I need something to stop my coffin’

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzatron574
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me...

I thought, how dairy

πŸ‘︎ 176
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call A bloke with no arms or legs floating in the sea?

Bob

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anon_777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A bloke wakes up in hospital after an operation and shouts "Doctor I cant feel my legs"

The doctor said i know we chopped your arms off.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A bloke on a tractor just drove past and shouted β€œthe end of the world is nigh”

I think it was farmer geddon

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A bloke was getting upset when he found out he needed glasses. β€œOh glasses doc, do I have to wear them?”

β€œOnly if you want to see”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
At the surgery this bloke told me "I don't trust you to stitch my wound" "

Suture self" I said

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I've just seen a bloke running down the road with a cape on. I shouted, "Are you a superhero?"

He said, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!"

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I met the bloke that invented crosswords today

I can’t remember his name, it was P something T something R

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MJBGaming
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
This bloke just threw a piece of cheese at me, so I said..

..that's mature.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pooop_hard
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a bloke just collapsed on the London Eye.

Paramedics are on the scene and they say he's coming round slowly.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the classic Greek Scholar say to the fat bloke trying on skinny jeans in his boutique?

Euripides, you pay!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevebox2345
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, β€˜sometimes I feel like wigwam and sometime I feel like a teepee’.

Doctor says, β€˜that’s alright; you’re just too tense.’

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hitemplo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked my sister why she was still dating that homeless bloke who thinks he’s Elvis.

She said β€œI’m courting a tramp, I can’t walk out”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSquidgster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the deaf bloke?

Neither did he.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Proasek
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bloke you have to pay after you've finished eating at a restaurant?

Bill

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeonPeonTree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
🚨︎ report
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.

I said to him is that a Fret!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A bloke on a tractor has just driven passed me shouting, "The end of the world is nigh."

I think it was Farmer Geddon!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me β€œcan you give me a lift?”

I said β€œSure you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coleman_James
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
This bloke said to me: I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.

I said: Is that a fret?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpyjanner1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JK-BB
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A bloke in a tractor just drove past shouting "The End is Nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Greyclocks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.