A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there

A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there, so he walks over to join him. "What a coincidence!" the guy says. "I was just saying earlier today that I really needed a doctor's appointment." The doctor pulls up his calendar on his phone and says, "Well, how about 10 tomorrow?" "No," the guy replies. "I don't need that many."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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My family was doing the dinner dishes together and our mum was washing the dishes in the sink. She asked β€œcould you guys load the dishwasher please?”

So my dad brought her a glass of wine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mossata
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name"!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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A guy gives flowers to all of his family. To his wife he gives roses, to his parents he gives orchids, to his daughters he gives daisies.

And to his sons he gives sunflowers.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FactoryBuilder
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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My friends and family came together and bought me a β€œmost average guy” trophy.

It’s a mean award.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuietSquid8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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My family was talking about my sisters project where she had to make a Roman theatre. In it she put some guys stabbing each other, as a demonstration of how plays sometimes consisted of people actually killing each other to make it more realistic.

I mentioned that they used slaves and criminals, since they would have a hard time getting actors to play the part of someone that actually dies, and my dad disagreed.

He said: No, people were dying to have that job.

Sorry if something like this has already been posted.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ytrbpt_Hsbom
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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Which Family Guy character is adamant about animal rights?

PETA Griffin

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGuy_Random
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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I walked up to a cockney family and stole the guy's wallet

"That's Our mahnee!" He said, as I ran off.

Once a safe distance away, I looked at the wallet and shouted back, "It's actually Armani."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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Did you hear about the guy who got the entire left half of his body ripped off in a horrible accident at his factory job that he had to support his family, and now he might die, or even worse, become a brain dead vegetable that is only an economic burden on his already poor family?

He's all right now :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigHummer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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Didja hear about the guy that was totally transfixed by intricate multi-family dwellings?

He had a complex complex complex.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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After passing this guy on our 16 hour family drive today,

My son in the back seat says; "Dad Waze shows the speed limit is 65mph but we are we are going faster than that. Are you breaking the law by speeding? I had to slow down to let my wife take this picture because I replied "It's all going to be ok, Nationwide is by our side!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/backwudsmodified
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2016
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Family Guy does /r/dadjokes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebobstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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Was watching Mulan with the family. During the draft scene, the emperor's assistant guy calls out a family name.

Assistant guy: "Tha Chu family" My dad: "Did he sneeze or something?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnToiletPaper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2016
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My dad and Family Guy.

I was watching Family Guy on Netflix with my dad and switched episodes right after the theme song because I didn't like that one. I said "This one's funnier" to which he replied "Looks the same to me!"

edit: because it was playing the theme song over again, which is obviously the same every time...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awkward_hedgehog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
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Casualty of War
πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tblaine4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.

It’s a running joke.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)

I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, β€œHey, don’t try to start anything in here”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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You'll definitely need an expert for that
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ELZEKO_gamer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"

GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Where do most people eat out on leap day?

IHOP...

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanner_Banner
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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I can’t Handel this.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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Got my son with this one...

Me: "I know a guy that talks like an owl"

Son: "Who?" pause.... then....facepalm!

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murphy223
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
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Dad joked my dad.

We went to look at Christmas lights at the Mormon temple, Dad was pulling out of the parking lot.

"Hey theintention, is the coast clear?"

"I don't know dad, we live in Arizona. I can't see the coast from here."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theintention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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Flirting for dads

I took my dog called Pilky (named after Karl Pilkington) for a walk in the park. We stopped for a minute so he could have some fun in the grass, when this girl walks by.

Her: What a cutie

Me: Thanks, I just had a new haircut.

She gives me a puzzled look when suddenly she gets it.

She: that's funny.

Me: No, that's Pilky.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jellevdv
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2014
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a guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why

the guy said there was a family vote and it was 17 to 1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oodopi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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WHY WOMEN ARE CLEVERER THAN MEN

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million Pounds." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.

Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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What's longer than forever?

Fivever.


Thanks for all the upvotes! This is an original, so thanks to you guys I'm quitting my job and leaving my family to pursue a career in comedy! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJy234H5YDlFASQfx6mLWLg

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k-smackerel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2015
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Told a dad joke while meeting my girlfriend's family

So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said

"I like to play a little guitar"

The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksplosiveness
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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I know you're rushing...

I'm a waitress and this one got dropped on me today when a family of 5 came in. They had previously stated they were in a hurry so brought them the check and said (i should probably mention that I have a very southern accent) 'I know y'all are rushin' so-' the dad cut me off with 'No, we're Americans.' His kids and wife were not amused and I just busted up laughing and high fived him. Anyway, I thought you guys would enjoy it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/insaneyetnoble
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Why does everyone discriminate against necromancers?

I mean, can't a guy raise a family in peace?

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrimsonBlade2015
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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Remembered this from when I was younger

Was on a family vacation to the beach and my sister, mom, dad and I were all in a local Ben and Jerry's getting some ice cream. Well the guy in front of us definitely had the Donald Trump hair going on and we all noticed. Out of nowhere, my dad turns around with a straight face and says,

"I'll pay for the ice cream this time, but you toupee next time."

I couldn't help but laugh and my mother had to walk out of the parlor. These comments are the reason why my father is my best friend

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
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Dad joked a table at work

I work at a smaller chain pizza place, and we serve "artisan pizzas". A family comes in and orders pizzas, with the dad ordering the fungi (the name of one of the pizzas). As I drop them at the table, I announce "I have a fungi for a fun guy". The table goes silent, then the dad bursts out laughing while the rest of his family groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 212
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πŸ‘€︎ u/periodicstudier
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
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Got dad joked at work.

I work at Cabelas (US Hunting Store, for those not in the US) in the camping section and some guy walked up to me and said "excuse me, where is the camo section?" So I took to it and said "right here sir" which he followed with; "Where, I don't see it?" Prompting to say "right here, this whole section is all camo apparel". He continued this shinnanigan three more times till I realized what he was doing and said "ohhhhh" and just walked off, with him laughing in the background.

I passed by his family while walking away, and his wife was just shaking her head.

πŸ‘︎ 235
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WenchesAndMead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2014
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Hey r/dadjokes, what's my elf name?

I need an elf name for a 5k charity run. It's called "The Big Elf Run" and it has to be family friendly. But seeing as this is the most creative sub on Reddit I thought you guys could help.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bossman01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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A family of 6 turtles goes on a vacation

They start walking towards the beach, on the 2nd day it starts raining. The turtle family realise that they forgot the umbrellas back home.

It was decided that the dad turtle would run back home and come back with the umbrellas.

β€˜No way’ the dad turtle said, β€˜you guys would finish up the muffins while I’m away’. The family assured him that they won’t touch the muffins until he’s back.

Reluctantly, the dad turtle starts walking home.

More than 5 days passed and there was no sign of dad turtle coming back.

The young turtles were hungry and there were nothing but muffins left. The mom turtle decided to give the muffins to the young ones.

As soon as she reached the muffin bag, the dad turtle jumped out of his hiding from a nearby tree and said β€˜I knew it you would eat the muffins while I’m gone’

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinnaey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Dad makes really politically incorrect jokes...

Dad: Did you guys see anything on the Malaysian flight?

Family: No

Dad: Yea no one has, they're still missing.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yogababe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Looking to buy some farmland north of Minneapolis/St. Paul in 1996

Dad: "Lot's of corn you guys got on this farm!"

Seller: "We sure do, been in the family business for many years now."

Dad: "Could be a little creepy with all the corn....stalking us!"

Seller: "......"

Dad: "Sorry, just a little corny jokes :D "

We left extremely embarrassed and never bought the land. (edit, formatting)

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_brotato
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2016
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Most literal dad joke

So I'm in the car with my girlfriend and her family. (Mind you I am 17 but a dad joke king) I was still getting to know her dad and a bit scared of him still. He's a nice guy but I hadn't bonded with him much yet, so I jumped on the opportunity to make a dad joke. (I don't remember what it was exactly) And he loved it and laughed pretty hard. At this point, my girlfriend turns to me and says,"He loved that! Keep saying dad jokes!"

I looked her in the eyes for a couple seconds and she seemed confused until I slowly repeat,"Dad jokes. Dad jokes. Dad jokes." This earned me a swift punch to the shoulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kemp2288
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
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I don't get what the hate is for Necromancers.

Can't a guy just raise a family in peace?

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rogue-wolf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
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