I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
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︎ Feb 27 2021
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling βI stepped on a Bee!β
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
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︎ Mar 11 2021
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, βIβll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Not one of my illegitimate kids sent me a birthday card....
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︎ Mar 29 2021
My kid told me he had a problem. He was afraid of the toilet, but really had to go poop.
I told him it'll work itself out.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
My mom has 3 kids. My brother was born a gas, my sister a liquid and I am a solid. Yesterday my mom looked upset so I asked her what was wrong. She said "I'm pregnant"
So I said "Okay, what's the matter?"
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︎ Mar 29 2021
A group of kids is called.....
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︎ Feb 27 2021
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...
His mom got really angry!
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︎ Feb 22 2021
I asked an Australian kid whatβs a clever comeback down under. He said...
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︎ Mar 17 2021
When I was a kid I thought weβd all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
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︎ Jan 14 2021
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
When I was a kid, I accidentally caught my parents having SEX
These were the most awkward 40 minutes of my life
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︎ Feb 15 2021
What do kids say after getting a phone call from someone older than them?
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 06 2021
My kids came out of school and told my partner they have made cards for her for Mother's Day. I asked for a card, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
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︎ Mar 12 2021
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Every night, I read my kids a book about the end of days...
Goodnight Moon is the darkest book I know.
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︎ Mar 20 2021
What do you call a Belgian kid?
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 22 2021
I think my kidβs going to be a marathoner
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︎ Mar 14 2021
If I was a smart but unscrupulous high school student, I would start a business doing other kids' homework for a nominal fee.
The name of the business?
"Nerdy deeds, done dirt cheap"
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︎ Mar 06 2021
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word...
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
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︎ Dec 30 2020
I told my kids that "fortnight" was a stupid name for a video game.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 28 2021
My friend said, βMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?β
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Carnival is offering a deluxe trip where you leave your senior citizens and kids behind in the snow..
They are calling it βTed Cruiseβ
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︎ Feb 19 2021
When I was a kid, I was so ugly, my mother took me everywhere....
....just so, she wouldn't have to kiss me goodbye.
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︎ Feb 11 2021
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.
If you canβt beat βem, join βem.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
From my kids... Would you like a guide to falling down the stairs.
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 9...
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︎ Feb 16 2021
A kid asked his dad, "what kind of music did you listen to growing up?" The dad said "I was big into Led Zeppelin." The son asked "who?"
"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."
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︎ Dec 16 2020
What is something a Christian kid plays?
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 28 2020
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
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︎ Jan 09 2021
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
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︎ Jan 10 2021
After a heated argument, my kid shouted βJim Morrison was overratedβ
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
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︎ Aug 30 2020
I was worried someone replaced my kid with a clever robot...
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︎ Dec 19 2020
I went to McDonaldβs and ate a kidβs meal today.
His mom was pretty upset at me.
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︎ Nov 27 2020
When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Just got a ps5 for my kids.
π︎ 215
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︎ Oct 29 2020
A Jewish kid walks into a Bar...
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 06 2021
As a dad, I won't let my kids watch any shows on t.v. with orchestra in it....
Too much sax and violins.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
My kid couldn't figure out how to pronounce abominable so I drew a guide
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 24 2020
What is the name of a casino that even kids can gamble in?
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︎ Jan 28 2021
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
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︎ May 06 2020
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.
If you donβt, theyβll just go in one year and right out the other.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
What will happen if your kid comes out as a trans?
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 15 2020
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
π︎ 16k
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
π︎ 270
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︎ Nov 24 2020
When I was a kid my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted
Turns out identity theft is a crime
π︎ 16
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today....
π︎ 358
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︎ Nov 12 2020
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