I named each of my kids Pun.
Just so that I can be the Father of all Puns.
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids
They’re not taking it very well
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
What did the buffalo say when he dropped his kid off at school?
Why was the 2 year old antivaxx kid depressed?
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word...
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
I yelled at the kids through the colander today,
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
Why does my wife always check the kids temperature when they're sick?
Because the therdadeter doesn't work near as well.
Let me tell you kids how I built this house from the ground up..
Kids: Not again Grandpa, we've heard that story a million times! Don't you have any others to tell us?!
Grandpa:
This is a one-story house.
Credit:
https://inkyrickshaw.com/comic/not-very-tall-tale/
My kids were disgusted. As I choked with laughter.
Sitting down having dinner with my wife and girls (1,3,4) and my three year old says “Do you know what my baby does?!” And she made her doll do a backflip on the table. And almost as if instinct, I said “well do you know what my baby does?! MY BABY TAKES THE MORNING TRAIN...” and I hit them with the whole of Sheena Eastons song during dinner.
It was perfect.
Why did the kids eat their homework?
Their teacher said it was a piece of cake.
What did the armless kid get for Christmas?
Idk he hadn’t opened his present yet
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?
Dad: I’m checking my balance.
I'll never vaccinate my kids, that's stupid, irresponsible, and dangerous.
I'd get the doctor to do it.
What did Henry VIII say to his kids when they were eating?
Have you heard of the 9 year old kid that went missing?
Apparently he was last seen applying a cream that made him 10 years younger
My kids wanted me to play monster
So I told them I gambled away their college fund and slept with their aunt
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
What do you call German children you don’t want your kids to hang out with?
A kid asked his dad, "what kind of music did you listen to growing up?" The dad said "I was big into Led Zeppelin." The son asked "who?"
"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."
2 kids talking...
1st kid: "Do you also pray before every meal?"
2nd kid: "NO, my mum knows how to cook. "
Road trip - why did the Dad tell the kids to take out their pencil and pad?
The sign said Draw bridge.
I bought my kids Avengers action figures for Christmas so I don’t have to sit and build.
They were already assembled.
What is the name of a casino that even kids can gamble in?
Is it o.k. to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school...
....or, am I a really bad teacher ?
What is something a Christian kid plays?
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”
My kid said he didn’t want the tri tip I bought him for dinner
So I told him if he didn’t eat, his life would be at steak
How did Kim and Kanye inform their kid that they were divorcing?
Sorry North, things went South.
A Jewish kid walks into a Bar...
I was worried someone replaced my kid with a clever robot...
When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
My kid couldn't figure out how to pronounce abominable so I drew a guide
Kid: farts loudly
Dad: “ what does your mother feed you?”
Mom:” The same thing I feed you!”
Why doesn’t Santa have kids
He only comes once a year
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.
If you don’t, they’ll just go in one year and right out the other.
As a dad, I won't let my kids watch any shows on t.v. with orchestra in it....
Too much sax and violins.
I went to McDonald’s and ate a kid’s meal today.
His mom was pretty upset at me.
Kid: [whining] “Dad, will you put my shoes on?.” Dad: “No...
...they’ll never fit me.”
Know your ABC's kids (Except for Guwucci, he sucks)
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today....
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