Turns out he was resisting a rest
...Undie-turd.
I replied "okay".
play-penitentiary.
Mine's always resisting a rest.
They have a wad of cash
A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasnβt paying attention so I said βgive her another, dad.β And he responded with βwhatβs wrong with the dad sheβs got?β
He was running a little behind.
(I believe this to be original; but I wasn't willing to risk searching for the key terms required to determine if someone else came up with it... apologies if I'm repeating a long ago joke)
The infantry
Edit: joke origin u/Strawberry_Milk97 and u/Izzy3710
Me: so what's your favourite food? Carrots? Chocolate? Custard?
2 year old: nose
Me: out of all the food you'd pick your nose?
Toddler: grins
Me: groans
It was so bad I knew I had to post it here.
She was crying because she doesn't like grapes.
After giving all the nuggets a medical exam I realized my toddler was asking for ketchup.
After we got him his breakfast, I went into the kitchen to grab my breakfast. He called for me to come back and I just him I'd be back in one second. He waited a moment and said "Oooone second!"
I'm so proud.
Just give Up
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons.
Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly.
As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?"
To which my son replies, "No..like twotons"
My son's first joke and it's a dad joke...i'm just so proud lol....
I said βoh, well let me take one of those off your hands for youβ
She said Iβm not giving you a consolation prize.
... itβs ok but, we recovered.
She's going to be a great dad someday.
Edit: predicted text
Are they resisting a rest?
I told her you need to listen to The Rolling Stones because you canβt always get what you want.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand."
I've never been more proud.
Me: omg sweetie, bring me my phone
Daughter: daddy, I said I got hurt (whimpering voice)
Me: im calling nine- waaaan-waaaan ...(pretends to hang up the phone)...the waaambumance is on the way
Daughter: there's no waaaan waaaan on your phone
He quacked at me then hit his head on the bar.
It's all fun and games, until you get carried away.
A quick pick-me-up.
I politely asked him to piss off
He said, "What? Of course you have!"
"No, I haven't," I replied. "I've only seen you be one and two."
It's seasoned leather.
That's hodorable.
the charge?
Resisting - a - rest
This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.
Photos here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3
Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Donβt tell the wise men!
And directly facing the sun. I pulled down my visor down.
"Man," I said. "Just think, it's so bright in here I need to squint, even though the sun is 93 million miles away."
"What are you talking about?" my husband said. "He's right behind us."
groan
Whine.
He's already reaching for the stars.
I think I need to buy a snotterbox for it
The potty train
Because he got two-tired
My wife was getting ready for church and I was in charge of dressing the kids. I got my son dressed and told him to go tell his mother.
Son: "Daddy and I are best buds".
Wife: "That's great to hear".
Son: pulling on his sweater and upset "No, we're best buds".
Wife: "I know, you said that before".
I walk in with a matching outfit "No, we're vest buds!"
She's not quite a year old, and clearly wasn't hungry anymore and was just playing with her food, including testing gravity, and just making a mess in general.
Then she started rubbing some on her face, and my wife says "Honey, stop putting the meat in your eye!"
I immediately respond "Well, it's more than meats the eye!"
Pretty sure she eyerolled so hard I could her her eyes falling out.
They were more popular when they first came out.
She peals her mini baby bell.
