He was running a little behind.
(I believe this to be original; but I wasn't willing to risk searching for the key terms required to determine if someone else came up with it... apologies if I'm repeating a long ago joke)
A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasnβt paying attention so I said βgive her another, dad.β And he responded with βwhatβs wrong with the dad sheβs got?β
The infantry
Edit: joke origin u/Strawberry_Milk97 and u/Izzy3710
Me: so what's your favourite food? Carrots? Chocolate? Custard?
2 year old: nose
Me: out of all the food you'd pick your nose?
Toddler: grins
Me: groans
It was so bad I knew I had to post it here.
After we got him his breakfast, I went into the kitchen to grab my breakfast. He called for me to come back and I just him I'd be back in one second. He waited a moment and said "Oooone second!"
I'm so proud.
She was crying because she doesn't like grapes.
I said βoh, well let me take one of those off your hands for youβ
She said Iβm not giving you a consolation prize.
After giving all the nuggets a medical exam I realized my toddler was asking for ketchup.
Just give Up
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons.
Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly.
As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?"
To which my son replies, "No..like twotons"
My son's first joke and it's a dad joke...i'm just so proud lol....
... itβs ok but, we recovered.
Are they resisting a rest?
I told her you need to listen to The Rolling Stones because you canβt always get what you want.
A master so-smalier.
She's going to be a great dad someday.
Edit: predicted text
He quacked at me then hit his head on the bar.
Me: omg sweetie, bring me my phone
Daughter: daddy, I said I got hurt (whimpering voice)
Me: im calling nine- waaaan-waaaan ...(pretends to hang up the phone)...the waaambumance is on the way
Daughter: there's no waaaan waaaan on your phone
It's all fun and games, until you get carried away.
A quick pick-me-up.
I politely asked him to piss off
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand."
I've never been more proud.
It's seasoned leather.
He said, "What? Of course you have!"
"No, I haven't," I replied. "I've only seen you be one and two."
That's hodorable.
the charge?
Resisting - a - rest
This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.
Photos here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3
Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Donβt tell the wise men!
He's already reaching for the stars.
I think I need to buy a snotterbox for it
Whine.
And directly facing the sun. I pulled down my visor down.
"Man," I said. "Just think, it's so bright in here I need to squint, even though the sun is 93 million miles away."
"What are you talking about?" my husband said. "He's right behind us."
groan
The potty train
Because he got two-tired
She's not quite a year old, and clearly wasn't hungry anymore and was just playing with her food, including testing gravity, and just making a mess in general.
Then she started rubbing some on her face, and my wife says "Honey, stop putting the meat in your eye!"
I immediately respond "Well, it's more than meats the eye!"
Pretty sure she eyerolled so hard I could her her eyes falling out.
They were more popular when they first came out.
She peals her mini baby bell.
I thought it was a strange thing to teach toddlers. Even if they understood it, it would still go over their heads.
My wife was getting ready for church and I was in charge of dressing the kids. I got my son dressed and told him to go tell his mother.
Son: "Daddy and I are best buds".
Wife: "That's great to hear".
Son: pulling on his sweater and upset "No, we're best buds".
Wife: "I know, you said that before".
I walk in with a matching outfit "No, we're vest buds!"
I told her she would bounce right back
I told her that it's because he's afraid, but with the rocks he feels a little bolder.
Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a lovable creature
Brittle.
Her name is Tori and it was around her nap time so I asked her: "Are you sleepy?" and she responded, "No, I'm Tori!"
My wife couldn't open a jar of grape jelly. Our two year old didn't understand why she had to bring it to me. He was only concerned with how long it was taking to make his sandwich. I opened it, but it was pretty hard because the jelly had caked around the threads and dried in place, gluing the lid to the jar.
My wife saw our son getting impatient and told him, "Hold on kiddo, mommy couldn't open the jar, so she had to bring it to daddy. Even daddy had a hard time opening it."
At this point, my internal dad joke radar started screaming a proximity warning. The collision with a dad joke was imminent. I smiled, took half a second to bask in my dad glory, and added, "Yeah, it was jammed."
Wife groaned, but son laughed (because he saw the lid was finally open). I take whatever I can get.
He indignantly replies that it is NOT Sat-ur-day, it's a hap-pee-day.
He's gonna be a great dad.
I obliged and poured a bowl and set it in front of her.
Toddler: "NO! I don't want the square cereal!"
Me: "too bad, that's life."
(Posted this once before in an ask Reddit thread about dad jokes, but felt I should share it here as well.)
New Balance
The worst part is later in the day when I go to the bathroom I have the most overwhelming deja poo.
He was 4T.
Now they are in the kitchen making dinner. My husband pulls a box of Uncle Ben's out of the pantry and then grabs a soup ladle off the counter and is now dancing around singing,
laaadle riiiiiiice ladle rice
We were going for a walk and passed a school under construction. Since we've talked about it most times we walk by I wanted to see if he remembered what it was. We also have a book Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site.
Me: "Hey ______, what's the construction site going to be when it's not a construction site any more?" Him: "Done."
"Feed me," corrected my wife, "Pronouns are hard," she added.
"If they were easy, they'd be called amateur nouns," I said. Got the morning off to a great start.
Me: I don't want a fish that's going to bully the other fish. Dad: Oh, so you need a pacifisht.
Edit: Spelling.
"Why must you desecrate the bodies of your Concord enemies?"
Told my 2 year old that she needed to eat at least two of her greens beans before she could get down from the table.
She told me she was done and I asked her if she had eaten her two green beans.
Her reply? "Yes, too many."
Schnotenfreude is wrong but I just can't stop myself.
No.
