My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Mary give birth in a manger?

Cause God wanted His Son raised in a...stable environment.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Monkey-D-Danos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
She gives birth at the hospital entrance.

Names him "Dawson".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tawdry-eloquence
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
When a cow gives birth

Then it’s de-calf-inated.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BMWtheCreative
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...

We named him Carson.

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cromlorde
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What would it be called the Birth of Jesus if they were all cats?

The Nyantivity

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/taken-_-already
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saxtrav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Mary know baby Jesus was 6 lbs. 3 oz. at birth?

She gave him a weigh in a manger.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CountMC10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How do whales give birth?

A Sea-section. πŸ™ƒ

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jwelshy19v2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I got birth place
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sggEeulB
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists developed a male birth control gel but it only targets the X/Y chromosome

Theyre calling it "Son-Block"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter's birth wasn't a delivery...

it was take-out.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeeSeaBayBee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A Japanese zoo just celebrated the birth of a baby elephant

Before that nobody addressed the elephant in the womb.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NathanielleS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an invisible mom who was assigned male at birth?

Transparent.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CreativeBake7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Our cow just gave birth and she's been sleeping better...

now that she's de-calf-einated.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jpep0469
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?

Decalfinated

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConnorM1911
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.

I was dad on arrival.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/busterpkeaton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mexican fireman whose wife gave birth to two sons?

He called them Jose and Hose B......

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbylake71
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!

For now, they're just cell mates.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7_Pillars
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a nurse greet a mother about to give birth?

Labor & delivery at your cervix!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeeSeaBayBee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I showed a picture of a sheep giving birth to some kids and asked if they knew what animal it was.

They all said, β€œEwwww.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chknwngs999
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"

He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The birth of autobots
πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/happyhandwash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do crustaceans go to give birth?

The lobstetrician

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaffatank
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that just gave birth.

De-calf-nated

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thedeathgames223
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Our birth coach just cancelled, my wife is due any day now, and we're freaking out!

We're having a midwife crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rememberlans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?

I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My kids were watching a show about identical twins re-united after being separated at birth, and in disbelief that they were wearing matching outfits when they met up.

I said, well, they do have the same genes.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zion2199
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Four men are sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives are all giving birth,

A nurse comes up to the first man and says, β€œCongratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the man said, β€œI work for Twin Peaks!”

Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the second man said, β€œ I work for the 3M company!”

Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!”

β€œThat’s so funny...” said the third man, β€œI work at the Four Seasons Hotel!”

The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, β€œWhat’s wrong?” the other men ask.

β€œI work at Seven Eleven.” He replied.

Happy Fathers Day!

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NighTraiN7804
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Made my first dad joke in awaiting my wife to give birth.

Back story... sitting in the garden, social distancing bbq. One of our mates has a baby who was looking for food and such. I came out with a pack of skips crisp. Baby’s mum said β€˜gotta be careful, it’s got salt in it’,

To my amazement I said β€˜ they contain salt!’ To which my partner replies... why do u think there so addictive’

With out thinking i spluted’ so if I put salt on my dick it will be ad-dick-tive!

No one laughed but me.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/qit4444
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the linguist say when her daughter gave birth?

I'm a grammar, now!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vlad1mir_Lemon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.

The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.

When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said β€œOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?” The doctors replied β€œWell, the girl’s name is Denise!” β€œOh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?” β€œDenephew”

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do we know Richard Pryor wasn’t a virgin birth?

His mom had Dick Pryor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.

He said it was his pleasure.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Hindu God taking birth as lightning McQueen

Incarnation.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/within_kamath23
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't female seahorses give birth?

Because they think it's best for a manta rays kids.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yorkshirenation
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy.

Choo Choo, was born at 3:30pm today weighing 6lb 8oz.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new topical birth control medicine?

They’re calling it Sonblock.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chibiachika
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy

If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chadnav
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So, I have an uncle once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Mary gave birth to Jesus in a manger

He is reportedly in a stable condition

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital

I named him Carson

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A dad's wife gave birth in a car

He named his son Carson

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/That_One_Kid3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do mermaids give birth?

Through Sea-section.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trouble-oatmeal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.

We named him Carson.

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/worldstarguy69
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decaffeinated

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a_misplaced_taco
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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