I think we made a mistake when we started calling childbirth โdeliveryโ.
It should have been called takeout instead.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.
Tonight, we eat like kongs.
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︎ Dec 29 2020
The bathroom fixtures delivery man is here, honey!
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︎ Jan 05 2021
An IKEA-delivery guy walks into a restaurant.
The waiter goes: That's not my table.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
During the delivery of my first child, my wife kept yelling out โcanโtโ, โwonโtโ, โshouldnโtโ, โcouldnโtโ.
The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions
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︎ Nov 27 2020
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer
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︎ Dec 14 2020
My daughter's birth wasn't a delivery...
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︎ Nov 11 2020
I've recently become a delivery driver
yes, it has it's UPS and downs, but I still love it
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︎ Dec 07 2020
Did you hear that U.S. Mail is starting a freight delivery service to compete with FedEx and UPS?
Itโs called โS Cargoโ.
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
Theyโre changing their name to Knockers.
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︎ Apr 27 2020
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, โnow my package isnโt coming for another 5 days!โ
I replied, now you know how I feel.
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︎ Aug 02 2020
Did you hear that the Indian restaurant hired a new delivery guy?
Heโs a top-notch curry-er.
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︎ Oct 16 2020
The delivery guy threw my pizza at me.
Apparently I ordered uber yeets
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︎ Oct 30 2020
Pizza Hut employee: โWould you like a contactless delivery?
Yes, Iโd prefer they wear glasses.
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︎ Oct 23 2020
Deliveries rollout
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 21 2020
The doctor told me I probably wonโt be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
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︎ Jul 01 2020
Santa got Coronavirus this year so Mrs Claus had to take over toy production, orders, and present deliveries.
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︎ Oct 01 2020
Iโm a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....โlooks like you have the best jobโ he says, โwhy is that?โ I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
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︎ Aug 06 2020
How does Harry Potter makeout with the delivery lady?
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︎ Aug 20 2020
Grocery delivery just dropped off this huge onion.
Picture of onion
I don't know what to do with it. I am going to cry.
That is so not appealing. I am left fuming. I may go into a vegetative state.
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︎ Sep 20 2020
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets off Amazon but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
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︎ Sep 02 2020
Did you hear about Hootersโ new contactless delivery service?
For a while it was knockers, but now itโs just honkers
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︎ Aug 10 2020
When Mary had a little lamb, the labor and delivery doctor was surprised...
When Old MacDonald had a farm, the doctor died of shock.
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︎ Sep 02 2020
The delivery guy accidentally got us 3 extra bags of flour
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︎ Aug 20 2020
A whole new meaning to delivery...
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︎ Aug 13 2019
What did the ninja delivery boy say to the office manager when he was delivering an unexpected order of pens, pencils, and paper goods?
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︎ Aug 19 2020
What do you call a delivery driver who exclusively works with Indian restaurants?
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︎ Jun 01 2020
Ever since the pandemic started, Iโve been wondering why my food delivery drivers have all been wearing glasses.
I had forgotten that contactless delivery was required.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
I caught my delivery driver dropping a turd in my yard today.
When asked to leave a review I gave him a number 2
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︎ Aug 05 2020
Pregnancy puns, it's all about the delivery...
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︎ May 08 2020
Regular Delivery!
My job is transporting envelopes and packages from place to place, but I'm not sure I want to make it a courier.
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︎ Jul 23 2020
Did you know that Matthew McConaughey helped design the delivery route software for UPS?
Thereโs no left turns so itโs alright alright alright.
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︎ Jul 05 2020
Our grocery delivery driver told us one of the milk cartons got damaged and leaked into the bag.
My 15yr old son picked up the first bag, which had a long vegetable sticking out and said "I've found the leek, dad."
Proud dad moment.
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︎ Jun 13 2020
Birth control should be the actual name used for delivery
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︎ May 06 2020
I just saw a AAA battery-delivery truck run a red light. Hope he doesn't get charged.
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︎ Jan 13 2020
When an Amazon employee takes maternity leave, are they out for delivery?
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︎ Aug 25 2019
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him โHow come thereโs no charge?โ
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Liveryโ
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︎ Mar 13 2020
Buddy collided with a delivery truck - he got stabbed with the antenna.. Diagnosis?
๐︎ 10
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︎ May 01 2020
The grocery delivery guy keeps wearing a mask and always stands 2 feet away from me...
I think I need to shower.
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︎ Apr 01 2020
Iโll never be a comedian because I canโt do delivery
Thatโs also why I donโt work for UberEats
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︎ Apr 03 2020
Why is childbirth referred to as 'delivery'?
I mean, it's clearly take-out
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︎ Nov 17 2019
There's a new, fast weed delivery service, made especially for cooks...
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︎ Mar 23 2020
My diabetic son's insulin delivery kit just came in the mail
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︎ Nov 09 2019
I see there's a new express coffee delivery service in town
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︎ Jan 16 2020
What do you call an Indian delivery boy?
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︎ May 09 2019
I think it was a mistake to call childbirth โdeliveryโ.
It should have been called takeout instead.
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︎ Aug 21 2020
I think itโs weird that we call childbirth delivery.
It should have been called takeout instead.
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Sep 15 2019
I think it was a mistake to call childbirth โdeliveryโ.
It should have been called โtakeoutโ instead.
๐︎ 10
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︎ May 18 2020
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