I think we made a mistake when we started calling childbirth โ€œdeliveryโ€.

It should have been called takeout instead.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.

Tonight, we eat like kongs.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cecil_the_wonderdog
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The bathroom fixtures delivery man is here, honey!

Let that sink in

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 05
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An IKEA-delivery guy walks into a restaurant.

The waiter goes: That's not my table.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PaalRyd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
During the delivery of my first child, my wife kept yelling out โ€˜canโ€™tโ€™, โ€˜wonโ€™tโ€™, โ€˜shouldnโ€™tโ€™, โ€˜couldnโ€™tโ€™.

The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions

๐Ÿ‘︎ 42
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......

I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/darthchris
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My daughter's birth wasn't a delivery...

it was take-out.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PeeSeaBayBee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I've recently become a delivery driver

yes, it has it's UPS and downs, but I still love it

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Wallet_Insp3ctor
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear that U.S. Mail is starting a freight delivery service to compete with FedEx and UPS?

Itโ€™s called โ€œS Cargoโ€.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/blizzardwizard88
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.

Theyโ€™re changing their name to Knockers.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/phishstepper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, โ€œnow my package isnโ€™t coming for another 5 days!โ€

I replied, now you know how I feel.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zion2199
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear that the Indian restaurant hired a new delivery guy?

Heโ€™s a top-notch curry-er.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mondata
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The delivery guy threw my pizza at me.

Apparently I ordered uber yeets

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mrcheckpointeh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Pizza Hut employee: โ€œWould you like a contactless delivery?

Yes, Iโ€™d prefer they wear glasses.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Shaw-Deez
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I think it was a mistake to call childbirth โ€œdeliveryโ€.

It should have been called takeout instead.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 35
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Deliveries rollout
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/homodemen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The doctor told me I probably wonโ€™t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.

I was crushed by the news.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 88
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Santa got Coronavirus this year so Mrs Claus had to take over toy production, orders, and present deliveries.

Sleigh Queen

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/diceblue
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Iโ€™m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....โ€looks like you have the best jobโ€ he says, โ€œwhy is that?โ€ I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!

True dad that man!!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bunny_2121
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How does Harry Potter makeout with the delivery lady?

With his parcel tongue

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/morningshawa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Grocery delivery just dropped off this huge onion.

Picture of onion

I don't know what to do with it. I am going to cry.

That is so not appealing. I am left fuming. I may go into a vegetative state.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PerfectlyWorthwhile
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets off Amazon but delivery took forever...

She says it was worth the weight.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/creativedamages
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I think itโ€™s weird that we call childbirth delivery.

It should have been called takeout instead.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about Hootersโ€™ new contactless delivery service?

For a while it was knockers, but now itโ€™s just honkers

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dadzoned3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When Mary had a little lamb, the labor and delivery doctor was surprised...

When Old MacDonald had a farm, the doctor died of shock.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The delivery guy accidentally got us 3 extra bags of flour

They were not kneaded.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Chocolava
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A whole new meaning to delivery...
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Is_This_L055
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the ninja delivery boy say to the office manager when he was delivering an unexpected order of pens, pencils, and paper goods?

Supplies!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kingrangerprops
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a delivery driver who exclusively works with Indian restaurants?

A curryer.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/phatbatt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Ever since the pandemic started, Iโ€™ve been wondering why my food delivery drivers have all been wearing glasses.

I had forgotten that contactless delivery was required.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/A-T-P
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I caught my delivery driver dropping a turd in my yard today.

When asked to leave a review I gave him a number 2

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Micktheprivz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Pregnancy puns, it's all about the delivery...
๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chiphophooray
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Regular Delivery!

My job is transporting envelopes and packages from place to place, but I'm not sure I want to make it a courier.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Naitraen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you know that Matthew McConaughey helped design the delivery route software for UPS?

Thereโ€™s no left turns so itโ€™s alright alright alright.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The_Latter-Day_Tank
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Our grocery delivery driver told us one of the milk cartons got damaged and leaked into the bag.

My 15yr old son picked up the first bag, which had a long vegetable sticking out and said "I've found the leek, dad."

Proud dad moment.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/useless-wooden-toy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Birth control should be the actual name used for delivery
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/poven100
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I just saw a AAA battery-delivery truck run a red light. Hope he doesn't get charged.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When an Amazon employee takes maternity leave, are they out for delivery?
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/misspokeycat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him โ€œHow come thereโ€™s no charge?โ€

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Liveryโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/linknt01
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Buddy collided with a delivery truck - he got stabbed with the antenna.. Diagnosis?

A van aerial disease

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dabiker68
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The grocery delivery guy keeps wearing a mask and always stands 2 feet away from me...

I think I need to shower.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dubaidadjokes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Iโ€™ll never be a comedian because I canโ€™t do delivery

Thatโ€™s also why I donโ€™t work for UberEats

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/King_Cakes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why is childbirth referred to as 'delivery'?

I mean, it's clearly take-out

๐Ÿ‘︎ 36
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QuaggaSwagger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There's a new, fast weed delivery service, made especially for cooks...

It's called Instant Pot.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/warpedddd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My diabetic son's insulin delivery kit just came in the mail

He's pumped

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/like_and_umm
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I see there's a new express coffee delivery service in town

It's call Purcolator.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Moosetappropriate
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call an Indian delivery boy?

A currier

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cranky_Windlass
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I think it was a mistake to call childbirth โ€œdeliveryโ€.

It should have been called โ€œtakeoutโ€ instead.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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