I gave my son a lid for his dip bowl that he was bringing to a party.
I wanted to make sure he didn’t have unprotected snacks.
A farmer was bringing his cows in from the fields ...
and he counted 396 of them.
But once he rounded them all up, he had 400.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Bringing back dead memes in another form.
I got a warning message from a mod saying “my jokes are bringing to much religion and politics into this sub”
I replied saying “let the people in this sub decide, for christ sake”
I went camping in my backyard last night, bringing along my tablet to watch Pulp Fiction.
I call it "Tentin' Quarantino".
Kroger is bringing their A game. Their Dr. Pepper knock off is called "The Fizzicist". Took me a minute to get it.
They are discussing bringing in fruit to use against the protesters!
Next wave of enforcement will be Apricops
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
I love horror movies. I considering bringing along a DVD while I traveled the world.
But then I knew that'd be taking It too far.
Bringing back the old formats
I'm so proud of my son, for bringing bread and a jar of peanut butter to the truck show.
After all, this is MONSTER JAM!
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
My co-worker brags about bringing in the largest waffle to the office every morning. He won't let us forget it.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.
This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.
Photos here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3
Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!
I got a new job in the airport checking what people are bringing into the country from their holidays...
I'm slowly getting accustoms to it
Honey, I’m bringing you a quesadilla...
No need to Helen, I don’t need a whole case of them. One dilla is plenty.
Why did Joseph keep bringing up tractors on the firing line?
I've always had trouble bringing in local TV stations with the antenna
Except for the Christian station, I get immaculate reception
One year for my Mom's birthday, my Dad tied the presents he had gotten for her together, and stacked them. He then did this when bringing them outside to her.
imgur.com/mwwY4DT
Bringing my girlfriend over for dinner for the first time...
Dad: wow, You are really pretty!
GF: thank you! :D
Dad: do you have any sisters with poor eye sight for this guy? pointing at my little brother
My daughter rang and said she's bringing chicken home for dinner.
Oh great. More mouths to feed.
(I got a condescending smirk out of my son for that one.)
The defendant was accused of bringing dynamite into a steer.
Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party?
Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party?
Just the wife, but she's more of a ten.
Bringing in the dough
My cousin talking about her new job at a bakery.
Cousin: "I even get to take home a loaf of bread after my shifts."
My dad: "Wow sounds like you are really bringing in the dough."
Meeting up with friends, and asked if I was bringing a date.
I said I wasn't bringing any fruit.
So I got a second cat, and my mother was bringing another litter box.
So she said: "You should write 'Sammy' on the litter box."
Me: (Look at her dumbfounded for a moment, stutter mildly and speak quietly for emphasis, like how you would when telling a family member that a mutual loved one is very ill) "M-Mom...I..I don't think he can read."
Buddy drops a package of meat while bringing groceries inside.
Me: "Check it out, man... ground beef!"
Bringing my kids home after a trip to the beach, I asked how their trip was. My mother-in-law said "it was really windy, which sucked."
I replied "really? I would have thought it blew."
She didn't get it
So yesterday I went to the store. All that I got was a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. That was all. Fortunately it was light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
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