I gave my son a lid for his dip bowl that he was bringing to a party.

I wanted to make sure he didn’t have unprotected snacks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samwyzh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A farmer was bringing his cows in from the fields ...

and he counted 396 of them.

But once he rounded them all up, he had 400.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeattlePunk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!

Our therapist said I need to valley date you.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/audioinside
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Bringing back dead memes in another form.
πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnsteadyKoala
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a warning message from a mod saying β€œmy jokes are bringing to much religion and politics into this sub”

I replied saying β€œlet the people in this sub decide, for christ sake”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I went camping in my backyard last night, bringing along my tablet to watch Pulp Fiction.

I call it "Tentin' Quarantino".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/altrefrain
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Kroger is bringing their A game. Their Dr. Pepper knock off is called "The Fizzicist". Took me a minute to get it.
πŸ‘︎ 590
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_might_be_weasel
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
They are discussing bringing in fruit to use against the protesters!

Next wave of enforcement will be Apricops

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaosBadger777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him β€œHow come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Sushi restaurant bringing the jokes imgur.com/IO7nb8c
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djeclipz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I love horror movies. I considering bringing along a DVD while I traveled the world.

But then I knew that'd be taking It too far.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sup-mr-stark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Bringing back the old formats
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hados1109
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm so proud of my son, for bringing bread and a jar of peanut butter to the truck show.

After all, this is MONSTER JAM!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!

I call them boo merginues.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichyCigars
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My co-worker brags about bringing in the largest waffle to the office every morning. He won't let us forget it.

He has such a huge Eggo.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1901victorco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloanautomatic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I got a new job in the airport checking what people are bringing into the country from their holidays...

I'm slowly getting accustoms to it

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzyTheLemon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Honey, I’m bringing you a quesadilla...

No need to Helen, I don’t need a whole case of them. One dilla is plenty.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HanShotFirst17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did Joseph keep bringing up tractors on the firing line?

'cause he was Stalin!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steadmanthewhale
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I've always had trouble bringing in local TV stations with the antenna

Except for the Christian station, I get immaculate reception

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cactaur_jack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Trader Joe's bringing it home i.reddituploads.com/ee7fd…
πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyFuton
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2016
🚨︎ report
One year for my Mom's birthday, my Dad tied the presents he had gotten for her together, and stacked them. He then did this when bringing them outside to her. imgur.com/mwwY4DT
πŸ‘︎ 270
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dhoshino
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
🚨︎ report
Bringing my girlfriend over for dinner for the first time...

Dad: wow, You are really pretty! GF: thank you! :D Dad: do you have any sisters with poor eye sight for this guy? pointing at my little brother

πŸ‘︎ 349
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Awesome_Sauce
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2013
🚨︎ report
My daughter rang and said she's bringing chicken home for dinner.

Oh great. More mouths to feed.

(I got a condescending smirk out of my son for that one.)

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P13579
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
🚨︎ report
The defendant was accused of bringing dynamite into a steer.

A-bomb-in-a-bull!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gt0t
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party?

Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party?

Just the wife, but she's more of a ten.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Capt-Redbeard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Bringing in the dough

My cousin talking about her new job at a bakery.

Cousin: "I even get to take home a loaf of bread after my shifts."

My dad: "Wow sounds like you are really bringing in the dough."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/solar_girl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Meeting up with friends, and asked if I was bringing a date.

I said I wasn't bringing any fruit.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatLakesLove
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
🚨︎ report
So I got a second cat, and my mother was bringing another litter box.

So she said: "You should write 'Sammy' on the litter box."

Me: (Look at her dumbfounded for a moment, stutter mildly and speak quietly for emphasis, like how you would when telling a family member that a mutual loved one is very ill) "M-Mom...I..I don't think he can read."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CptSmackThat
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Buddy drops a package of meat while bringing groceries inside.

Me: "Check it out, man... ground beef!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnFensworth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Bringing my kids home after a trip to the beach, I asked how their trip was. My mother-in-law said "it was really windy, which sucked."

I replied "really? I would have thought it blew."

She didn't get it

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plsdntanxiety
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
🚨︎ report
So yesterday I went to the store. All that I got was a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. That was all. Fortunately it was light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1901victorco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report

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