I gave my son a lid for his dip bowl that he was bringing to a party.
I wanted to make sure he didnβt have unprotected snacks.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
A farmer was bringing his cows in from the fields ...
and he counted 396 of them.
But once he rounded them all up, he had 400.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
Bringing back dead memes in another form.
π︎ 68
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
I got a warning message from a mod saying βmy jokes are bringing to much religion and politics into this subβ
I replied saying βlet the people in this sub decide, for christ sakeβ
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
I went camping in my backyard last night, bringing along my tablet to watch Pulp Fiction.
I call it "Tentin' Quarantino".
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 30 2020
Kroger is bringing their A game. Their Dr. Pepper knock off is called "The Fizzicist". Took me a minute to get it.
π︎ 590
π
︎ May 11 2019
They are discussing bringing in fruit to use against the protesters!
Next wave of enforcement will be Apricops
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 07 2020
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him βHow come thereβs no charge?β
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Liveryβ
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 13 2020
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 16 2020
I love horror movies. I considering bringing along a DVD while I traveled the world.
But then I knew that'd be taking It too far.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 15 2020
Bringing back the old formats
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 21 2019
I'm so proud of my son, for bringing bread and a jar of peanut butter to the truck show.
After all, this is MONSTER JAM!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 31 2020
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 23 2019
My co-worker brags about bringing in the largest waffle to the office every morning. He won't let us forget it.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 20 2019
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 14 2019
The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 kingβs day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.
This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.
Photos here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3
Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Donβt tell the wise men!
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 05 2019
I got a new job in the airport checking what people are bringing into the country from their holidays...
I'm slowly getting accustoms to it
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 30 2018
Honey, Iβm bringing you a quesadilla...
No need to Helen, I donβt need a whole case of them. One dilla is plenty.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Apr 06 2018
Why did Joseph keep bringing up tractors on the firing line?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 09 2019
I've always had trouble bringing in local TV stations with the antenna
Except for the Christian station, I get immaculate reception
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 13 2018
π︎ 100
π
︎ Dec 27 2016
One year for my Mom's birthday, my Dad tied the presents he had gotten for her together, and stacked them. He then did this when bringing them outside to her.
imgur.com/mwwY4DT
π︎ 270
π
︎ Oct 15 2013
Bringing my girlfriend over for dinner for the first time...
Dad: wow, You are really pretty!
GF: thank you! :D
Dad: do you have any sisters with poor eye sight for this guy? pointing at my little brother
π︎ 349
π
︎ Jul 23 2013
My daughter rang and said she's bringing chicken home for dinner.
Oh great. More mouths to feed.
(I got a condescending smirk out of my son for that one.)
π︎ 185
π
︎ Mar 31 2015
The defendant was accused of bringing dynamite into a steer.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 14 2018
Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party?
Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party?
Just the wife, but she's more of a ten.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 11 2015
Bringing in the dough
My cousin talking about her new job at a bakery.
Cousin: "I even get to take home a loaf of bread after my shifts."
My dad: "Wow sounds like you are really bringing in the dough."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 21 2016
Meeting up with friends, and asked if I was bringing a date.
I said I wasn't bringing any fruit.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 18 2015
So I got a second cat, and my mother was bringing another litter box.
So she said: "You should write 'Sammy' on the litter box."
Me: (Look at her dumbfounded for a moment, stutter mildly and speak quietly for emphasis, like how you would when telling a family member that a mutual loved one is very ill) "M-Mom...I..I don't think he can read."
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 29 2014
Buddy drops a package of meat while bringing groceries inside.
Me: "Check it out, man... ground beef!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 27 2014
Bringing my kids home after a trip to the beach, I asked how their trip was. My mother-in-law said "it was really windy, which sucked."
I replied "really? I would have thought it blew."
She didn't get it
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 09 2013
So yesterday I went to the store. All that I got was a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. That was all. Fortunately it was light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 16 2018
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