I told her she’s ovaryacting.
Just a heads up.
Me: Please bring me the one my wife made
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
He doesn't have fine motor skills
Heavy Infantry
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
A Baaaaahby...
I'll see myself out.
Of course it is, Kayleigh. She was born two days ago!
Who was taller?
The baby was a little Bigger.
Mr. Bigger went to the hydroelectric plant.
Now he's Bigger by a dam site.
My first official dad joke.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!
Qur’an teens
My wife is trying to soothe the little fella, not sure what’s wrong.
There’s a short checklist we go through, feed, hot/cold or pooping. He has a bit of trouble when he’s trying to poop.
“What’s hurting? What do you want? Is it mouth or butt that you want?”
Me from the kitchen:
“How come I never get this question?”
I told them "I hope that includes the tip."
Ba-by Stark doot doo doot doo doot doo....
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
I quickly became endeered.
1 baby looks over at the other and says, "I'm a little boy, how about you?" The other baby says, "A boy? How do you know?" The first baby whips back his blankey, points down, and says, "See! Blue booties!"
Being a dad to a newborn is very hard. It’s a lot like learning to play the piano: at first it seems impossible and you can’t believe millions of people have done it. But you keep at it and after a while you either become good at it or you sell it on the internet.
Google-dada
My wife said "it feels like forever since we've been home"...
To which I replied, "Yeah, it's been a lifetime".
Dad: Sure. What a great head you got there. Well done!
"Just like her mother."
Because he wasn't born yesterday
We were worried a first but her doctor says she should grow out of it.
"Niece to meet you.", I said.
My wife was changing our 7-week-old’s clothes before bed and she picked up a footless sleeper onesie.
Wife: “Who bought this for us? I don’t even know why they make them like this.” Me: “Yeah, and I can’t believe they could even find one in the stores. That’s no small feet!”
If you can't cut the unbiblical chord
Breastfeeding usually leaves him sheetfaced
The nurse said she barely made a peep. She's such a relaxed baby she'll trick us into having another.
It'll take more than that to outsmart me, baby. Only one of us was born yesterday
Mathew
He asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any cepacol lozenges? I'm a little hoarse"
In Poland we celebrate Father's Day today. Together with several friendly fathers, we have created a manual for the newborn fathers. Have fun :)
LINK: newther.com
...passing on the lego-cy.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
She said, "Can you change her for me?"
I said, "No, we're keeping this one."
