9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oliumzen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
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If the stork is the burd that brings babies, what is the bird that prevents babies ?

The Swallow.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
Nicknamed my baby Vladimir

β€˜cause she always Putin.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/missmyrajv
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?

Stake n shake!

(I'm not sure if this is a regional restaurant but I assure you it exists.)

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombieHeyHeyHeyOh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
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Shopping for a Baby monitor
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My buddy used his stimulus check to buy some baby chickens

He got his money for nothin’ and his chicks for free

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/larryb78
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
🚨︎ report
Why does nobody trust the baby salmon?

It's a little fishy.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kartenhouse
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
What do baby parabolas drink?

A quadratic formula.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ewatomi1960
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
Baby seal walks into a club

What a tragedy...

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheProffalken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
Why did the police officer put the cranky baby in jail?

For resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viocult
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
At a neighborhood party, my wife asked if I wanted to change the baby.

I said, β€œNot really. I like him the way he is.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WCBrann
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
Saw this one in Walmart, it’s a baby shirt!!
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x000b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
Babies are like opinions...

Nobody wants to hear yours.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tecniklee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best thing about being a test tube baby?

You get a womb with a view.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johno_mendo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
🚨︎ report
Changing babies
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
Doctor: I'm going to deliver the baby. . .

Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
*howls aggressively* "IM GOIN ALL IN BABY"
πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thunder_struck_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
My wife said she should get an award for breast feeding the baby.

I said I’d nominate her for the SAG awards.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RootbeerDreams
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
Smaller babies may be delivered by storks.....

... but the heavier ones need a crane .

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
In a beehive, after the queen bee gives birth to the little baby bees, which bees are responsible for feeding the babies?

The... BooBees

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Soter_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
What’s a baby ghost’s favorite game?

Peek-a-boo.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KhaleesiDog
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
After this week's bad weather in Texas, there'll probably be a baby boom in nine months.

That snow coincidence.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/engfish
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
"Hello, My name is Dave and I'm addicted to baby powder "

Talcoholics Anonymous.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?

PurΓ©e!!!

(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronGaben
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
I was so ugly as a baby

when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevononline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

πŸ‘︎ 606
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
How does an astronaut quiet a crying baby?

They rocket.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bltproof
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
"You got spat on, you big baby, it's not the end of the world!"

"That's not what I said. I said it was the alpaca lips!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report
Who's bigger ? Mr Bigger, Mrs Bigger or their baby ?

Their baby. He's a little Bigger.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
I’ve never understood why baby dogs are called puppies...

When they could be called subwoofers

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleTevis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
I can’t wait till my Wife and I have a our first baby.

I’ll hand them to her and say β€œHere’s the fruits of your labor.”

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaggyoda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
How does a baby look something up?

They "Goo Goo" it.

[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]

πŸ‘︎ 476
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.

I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.

She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?

Where's popcorn?

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a piΓ±ata and a baby

I don’t have a piΓ±ata hanging in my basement

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jerilishous
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

πŸ‘︎ 242
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out that they make special diapers for baby boys.

They call them diap-hims.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zosymandias
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
How long does it take a cow to have a baby?

About a calf an hour.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
Women should not have babies after 40.

That's too many babies.

πŸ‘︎ 352
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a baby I slept all the time but I slept less and less as I got older....

...I didn't want to be accused of kidnapping.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
Why was the baby ant confused?

Because all his uncles were ants.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report

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