My wife said she should get an award for breast feeding the baby.
I said I’d nominate her for the SAG awards.
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?
Purée!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
When I was a baby I slept all the time but I slept less and less as I got older....
...I didn't want to be accused of kidnapping.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
My daughter recently found a photo of her in the hospital when she was a baby
She noticed a blanket and asked if it was womb temperature. I laughed and thought she’d make a great dad one day while my wife tried to not smile
What sex position makes the ugliest babies?
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.
He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."
Why was the baby jalapeño shivering?
Wife: I’m exhausted. I was up until 4 AM with the baby.
Me: It’s probably not a good idea to keep a baby up that late.
My sister had a baby, she hopes it’ll save the relationship...
But I still don’t talk to her
What do they call baby fish going through the change of life?
My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound, his reply...
he can't have my nose, I need it!
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Did you hear about the fashionable scientist who can design your baby to your specifications?
They are always bragging about their designer jeans
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.
Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.
All credit goes to my coworker.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
A Japanese zoo just celebrated the birth of a baby elephant
Before that nobody addressed the elephant in the womb.
What did the cow say to her tired baby?
It’s time to go to sleep it’s pasture bed time.
The best thing to do with a crying baby is throw them in the air.
Because what goes up must calm down.
When we were leaving the maternity ward the baby pooped himself and the wife said to go in and change him.
So I went inside, put him down, took one of the clean babies, and left.
Why didn’t the baby shrimp want to share his toys?
He was a little shellfish.
A peasant's wife told him to go get milk for the baby. Dutifully, he went to the market with the baby and brought home a hefty jug of milk. "You've forgotten the baby!" she exclaimed.
"No I haven't... I got milk for the baby!"
What dit the baby computer say to its fater?
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Forgive my brain, but I felt the urge to share this baby of mine
What's the difference between Hammurabi and a baby eating hash browns?
Hammurabi was Mesopotamian, a baby eating hash browns is a mess o' potato eatin'.
Bilbo Baggins wakes up to hear “I’m a Loser Baby” for the third day in a row.
It was There and Beck again.
I told my kids I served in the Baby Wars.
How did the pirate have her baby?
What did Baby Yoda say the first time he watched The Mandalorian on a high-def screen?
Not HDMI, because Baby Yoda can't speak.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
He didn't see the baby coming
What time of the year is it usually fly or die for baby birds?
Where is the baby?
In a small county in Southeast Asia there is a small child.
The child loves to eat his delicious baby food and does so constantly.
In what country does the child live?
Viet-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM
Smaller babies get delivered by the stork
Bigger babies need a crane
What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
What did the mama cow said to the baby cow?
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