"Because you're using his plate."
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
She didn’t razor right.
Being a sniper is so much fun
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
So the hardest part is it has to be uplifting/cute like all the other mothers day cards, can't just be a simple jail/robber pun.
So far I got:
You're ex-cell-ent mom!
I'd break into a maximom security prison for you!
Hope your mothers day is on point! (with a diagram of a shank)
^((But they're kind of trash))
Ideas from others:
Most people have a mother-in-law but I get to have a mother-outlaw! u/tcbst15
a week on each hill.
I said, “Fetus, Hand-us, Leg-us, There’s practically a whole baby in there!”
"Just like her mother."
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
She replied, "my name is Anna!"
I said, "Yes! Yes I know "
Wife yells: Hey, aren't you going to help??
Me: No, six should be enough
We were in an airplane.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
She still refuses to plug-in the chair I bought for her last year.
It’s a counter reformation.
Both being from Texas, the MIL wanted something BIG and fancy. And the BTB wanted more of a traditional outdoors gathering. They couldn't even agree on what to serve their guests for dinner. As the date approached, they were barely speaking to each other.
In the end, it was a chili reception.
My young daughter is still learning to microwave food. She attempted to reheat some of her food last night, but left the fork in the bowl. The wife caught it and pointed out that it could cause the microwave to explode and potentially hit grandma who was sitting with her back to the microwave.
Wife (to daughter): "You wouldn't want Grandmom to get hit by glass shrapnel and a fork would you?"
Me (interjecting): "Well, at least then I would have a reason to say your Mom is really forked in the head."
The MIL nearly choked on her food, but laughed and could appreciate the joke. She know she cray cray.
I don't think she likes me — I drive a cement mixer.
I thought it was a very nice plot.
I said "at least it wasn't a General of Corn". No one laughed except me.
With the terrorist you can negotiate
She asked how much it was. I said "Don't worry, it was dirt cheap."
Completely worth it, if you ask me.
I can’t afford a car stereo but I still have a woofer, a tweeter and a loud-speaker.
She ended up saying 'fundled'. Wife asked "what is fundled?"
I said, "it's the type of harassment you can't get sued for."
Driving down the street, see sign that says "Yukon Rd closed, take detour." Mother in law in backseat says "aahh, Yukon't drive there."
You get "woman Hitler"
I said "It's a good job to stick with... Just making a point..."
My son was talking to my father in law when they yell "we are getting hit by mokitos!" (Mosquitos)
I yelled back "mojitos? Where!!?!"
My wife tells "we got mojitos up in here"
And my mother in law, not joking, says. "I hear they can carry limes disease"
Me: Then you'll have a faux-knee (phony).
Well if I wasn't it would be a bad joke.
We were cleaning up and making sure all the toys were accounted for when I noticed the "L" block was missing from the pile.
Me: Anyone see the L block anywhere?
Husband and mother-in-law, after looking around a bit: No.
Me: I guess it got the "L" out of here.
Mother-in-law rolled her eyes and smirked. Husband left the room grumbling about me spending too much time in /r dadjokes.
My nephew was playing with his Mr. Potatohead and he throws his body parts about the room (he's 2)
Her: Looks like Mr. Potatohead became a suicide bomber.
Me: I know his last words.
Me: Au gratin ackbar.
I'll be here all week
My wife and mother in law were washing some dishes in the kitchen after a get together. I came in to get a drink and noticed a box of crackers on the counter where they were standing...
Me: What do those crackers do?
Mother in Law: What do you mean?
Me: Just curious to know what those crackers do. That is all.
MiL: Those were for the cheese that i bought. Did you want some more cheese and crackers? I have some left in the fridge.
Wife: Mom. They say "entertainment" crackers.
My wife started to laugh since i got her mom. Mother in law tried to play it off.
While bottlefeeding my 1-mo old daughter, sometimes she will hold both her arms straight out as she feeds.
My wife commented on this and wondered aloud why she does that -- my MIL said without missing a beat:
"She likes to eat a balanced breakfast."
During a lull in conversation, I said "well..." and paused. She quickly interjected "Its a deep subject, don't fall in!"... 3 seconds later... groans all around.
I replied "really? I would have thought it blew."
She didn't get it
At one point at a family barbeque today the ended up sitting on a potato chip.
Mother-in-law: "better on your butt then on your shoulder."
Groans from everyone.