I have to give a workshop on anxiety and depression today and I would like to have some jokes locked in to defuse the tension if needed. I usually don't have much trouble to come up with dad jokes on the go, but it would be nice to have some in the back burner. Thanks!
Where the man works and the women shops.
Sails are going through the roof!
Is he in forclausure?
He literally had his ass handed to him.
Talk about boring!
It’ll be called Gyp-Prose
How do they have so much to discus?!
I wasn't too confident in my tree identification skills, but my instructor said "Oak, aye.". My syrup sure did taste funny though.
"...it's a banned saw."
My job involves me giving presentations to large groups of teenagers. Today, I was telling them about different workshops we have on offer, including African drumming and DJ workshops.
So I said - 'I'd love to tell you a bit more about the DJ workshops, but I'd barely scratch the surface.'
Ever seen 200 teenagers groan and roll their eyes? Glorious :D
Two of them were still apprentices and learning the trade, but the third was a master at the craft and was also my friend. They were currently busy in the workshop working on a set of great wooden letters which spelled "BEAST". "Is your friend Paul the one working on the misshapen B?" Izzy asked. "Nope, that's not him.", I replied. "So is it the one working on the crooked E?"she responded. "Most certainly not!" I answered. I finally saw him and exclaimed, "On ST is the best Paul, Izzy!"
My dad loves to build. Every few years he takes on a new major construction project; an addition on his house, a huge workshop, something. When he goes to buy lumber he always tries to set the salesman up for this doozy:
Dad: "I'm going to need three dozen 2x4s."
Salesman: "Sure. How long do you need them?"
Dad: "I'm going to need them a long time, I'm building an addition on my house."
(Edit: Structure and spelling (thanks DJUrsus)).
The Build-a-Beard Workshop
That night somebody had broken into his shop and stolen a few very expensive suits, and he wanted the person responsible arrested.
He approached the counter, where the owner of the workshop stood.
"Hi!" she said. "I'm Emmy, how can I help you today?"
"Well, I have this problem, and I saw online that you could help me for cheap." he responded.
"My shop was robbed of some of my most expensive suits tonight, and I want your help catching the perpetrator."
"That's awful, but I am confused as to how I would be of assistance?" she said.
The tailor was silent for a second, noticeably confused.
Before he had a chance to respond she asked,
"What did you see on our website?"
"Well I didn't actually see it on your website, there was actually this ad that intrigued me. It had big bold letters and read:
For a limited time only, click the link to find the cheapest and best deals!!! Emmy's Suit cases - Now 50% off!!!"
I was helping a colleague measure something on the workshop floor with a tape measure. I held the end and he walked away with the reel. He got to the end and I looked down at the tape and said "It's zero."
We were in the garage checking out what will soon be my workshop. He pulled out my push saw and said, "I see you went with the cordless."
I am on the city council and we had a workshop about why utility rates are lower inside the city compared to outside.
It came down to this:
Prefacing that I was a dad so I had to say it: I suggested the rational wasn't the most sound since "just because every other city jumped off a bridge, it didn't mean I wasn't going to jump off a bridge."
Mixture of groans and laughter.
My sister and I were cleaning our basement to prepare for a party. Half of it is the entertainment center, and the other half is open space. Our dad tends to use it as a workshop when we're not hosting parties.
As we're putting away tools and sweeping up, my sister calls out, "Hey, I found the heavy metal." I thought she meant my CDs.
When I turned around, she was holding a 2"x6" rectangle of metal. And it was heavy.
And I groaned super hard.
I was in a guy's workshop last week waiting for him to come back from the house, and I noticed a jigsaw sitting on the table. Because he was gone awhile (and I was bored), I picked it up and turned it on. Right as I did that he came around the corner and I quickly turned it off and put it down.
Me: "Nobody saw anything."
Him: "Oh I definitely saw that."
Me: "Yeah, but I didn't saw anything."