What do you call a snake that works for the government?
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
I think I aced the drug test at work today.
Nobody got higher than me.
I just found out the country of Canada is a complete work of fiction.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
According to a recent study, it’s really hard for women to work for the Postal Service.
It’s a mail dominated industry.
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
I saw an interview with an out of work contortionist the other day
He’s struggling to make ends meet
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Did you hear about the two guys who were prosecuted for plagiarizing a 1920’s German artist’s work?
They went to jail because de stijl.
I've an uncle who works for the symphonie part-time.
The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors
I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....
A preacher with a lisp hired a sinner to paint his church. To save money, the sinner man added water into the paint can. It didn’t work well. The preacher told him:
Young man, you need to repaint and thin no more.
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
I finally went to talk to the super cute girl who works in the Egyptian super market.
Her: What can I do for you?
Me: I'm looking for a date.
Her: Oh, what kind of dates?
Me: Uhmm, just dinner and a movie :)
The devil and a criminal work great together
After all, they have great sin-ergy.
My Dad works in the ceiling fan industry
Why was the math teacher late to work?
I’m in charge of the reader board at work
What did the guinea pig say to the hamster before leaving work on Friday?
I was at the recruitment agency and the consultant asked me what I thought of voluntary work?
I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...
So there were 6 of us...
With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)
There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".
Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"
The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.
Best day of my comedic life
I’ve been enjoying the work of some of my favorite graphic artists on my commute to work...
But for some reason, whenever I bring out MC Escher’s art, I get weird stairs.
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.
I walked into a chilly reception.
I tried to make jokes about the millions unemployed and out of work.
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning
I said “I bet you don’t have the guts to do that again”
What did the sound engineer say on his last day of work?
Feeling ugly? Work at a bee sanctuary and start helping the world! Everyone will think you are beautiful for that
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
What do you call a prostitute that works the crows nest on a pirate ship?
Did you hear about the Sith apprentice who finally got his printer to work?
I hear the problem was A dam driver.
I’m worried about volunteering to help my uncle at work tomorrow at the coroner’s office
It’s a pretty big undertaking
I was a Dad at work the other day
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Coworker: "Yeah?"
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
Coworker: *Sigh*
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
As I sat on the toilet late for work I thought..
I dont think have time for this shit
Why was the math teacher late to work?
Because she got on the rhombus.
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