A list of puns related to "Work From Home"
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
She said, "That's a human right."
I said, "Yes, my boss is a human."
It was rough.
I showed her the drawing I made, she replied βthat wasnβt really what I had pictured...β
I was in a fowl mood.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,
"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."
Now his sails are through the roof.
His sails went through the roof
So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.
I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."
Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"
(Note: This actually happened today.)
Sails have gone through the roof
He had a wee cough.
She's still angry she let me name the kids
βReally?β the coworker asks. βWhat showed you she really loved you?β
βShe was just really excited to have me around,β the man replied. βLike when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, βMy husband is home! My husband is home!ββ
As are many people these days, I am at home with my kids all day long.
Kid: I asked you a question!
Me: I didn't hear you.
Kid: Three times, too!
Me: Six.
I was deeply touched.
This eveningβs definitely looking up
When I'm working from home, I sometimes put a blanket over me.
You could say, I work undercover.
Roll out.
I took them up on it because earlier in the season I went for a pretty nice slide. It's like that old saying. Once skidding ice shy.
At that moment my wife flashed before my eyes.
I thought, "How irresponsible can you be? Almost making me drop my beer."
How dairy!
Why do you beehive like this?
There isnβt another soul on the street.
Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bumpβ¦bump.
He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.
Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.
He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.
Bumpβ¦bumpβ¦bump.
The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the manβs horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.
He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.
BUMPβ¦BUMPβ¦BUMP!
He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.
He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.
Bumpβ¦bumpβ¦bump.
There is a momentβs silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.
Suddenlyβ¦. Bumpβ¦bumpβ¦bumpβ¦Bumpβ¦
BUMP! BUMP!
BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!
He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.
Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!
Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin β a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp β but the coffin keeps coming!
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!
His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!
The coffin stops.
Dads asks βwhat are you playing son?β Son seems aggravated by being interrupted and answers, βMinecraft. β
Dad replies βso one could say youβre practicing for a career in the mining business.β
Kid says, βwhy donβt you mine your own business and leave me alone!β
Daughter: Let's hear it. Dad: M pa konnen. Daughter: What's it mean? Dad: I don't know.
So I hit her over the head with my X-Box...
I asked if it wanted anything to eat. It said, Brr grr
Credit: my 8th grade English teacher
I put it down before leaving the store, though. Wouldn't want to get into the habit of shoplifting.
He had shingles.
"So, I put a paper in the mailboxes of a few teachers."
"Oh jeez. What did you do this time?"
"I typed a Word Document that said 'Please fill out this form' and left the rest of the page blank. dad cackle
You shoulda heard what they were saying: 'Why did they give ME one? Did YOU get one?' Everyone was losing their minds!"
Dad: "HI MAYBE!"
Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.
As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.
Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.
Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.
So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.
So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.
At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.
Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.
Β―_(γ)_/Β―
When I got home I told her I was exhausted from all the naan stop grocery errands she sent me on
My mom was worried that we had a feral animal of some kind on the loose in the neighborhood. She said to my dad, "How close were they?" My dad's response was, "Well I don't know what kind of relationship they had, honey."
They get on the Dam VPN.
Dad comes home from work
Him: "Dinner again? We just had it yesterday!"
laughter ensues
Nope, until tomorrow they only have winter water
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins...
I think she regrets letting me name our kids.
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