He made a grave mistake.
No, pigs do that!
A Liability
"Where the fuck is my roof?"
To keep each udder dry
Because Tarzan said "damnit".
Dad: "Can't you be happy with a dog like the other kids?"
I'm drawing a plank.
An ambulance.
It was off its face
Intrigued, the man decided to warn the person and said "hey, you have a banana shoved in your ear".
The person replied "what?"
> "You have a banana shoved in your ear!"
> "WHAT??"
> "YOU HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN YOUR EAR!!"
> "SIR PLEASE SPEAK LOUDER I CAN'T HEAR YOU 'CAUSE I HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN MY EAR!.
It was quite a con on drum ...
A centipede
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Heโs Jack in the box.
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" ๐).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
I hadnโt the foggiest idea what I mist.
Look at me now, saving lives!
A dead centipede
Now that's what I call structural integrity
One says, โWeโre saved! We can ask him for directions!โ His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
โDoesnโt something seem off to you about this man?โ he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
โWhat do you mean?โ said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
โI mean we canโt trust a thing he says. Heโs a pathological lier.โAntiHistoryMemes
...Make sure to lie in the prawn position.
As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.
They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.
One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:
"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"
She looked at him surprised and said:
"Well, you caught my eye."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see whoโs best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: โWhen I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.โ
โI found a bear by the stream,โ says the minister, โand preached Godโs holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.โ
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. โLooking back,โ he says, โmaybe I shouldnโt have started with the circumcision.โ
... but ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.
Son Ant : What is it dad?
Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.
Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.The father ant's health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..
Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever you were going to tell me. The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.
Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.
โMy roof has disappearedโ
He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"
Matt
That's every grape's raisin d'รชtre.
He got tired.
... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.
A Fibber Nazi Sequence.
When I get up in the morning, thatโs half. When I lie back down at night, thatโs the other half.
He made a grave mistake.
He made a grave mistake.
A centipede
โMy roof has disappeared.โ
A dead centipede.
