I officially became a father a few days ago! My sweet daughter has a some jaundice so we've had to stay in the hospital a few more days for treatment.
The nurse lugged I a big box and said "we are going start light therapy"
Me "looks heavy"
At the ball were many important people, well above the setupβs class. There was Original Content, Reposts, and even a couple from Google Searches for βDad Jokes Nobody Knowsβ.
Just seeing them made his mouth dry, so he began looking for something to drink. He knew his friend Joke was there somewhere, part of the crew catering the food and drinks. Seeing a server carrying glasses of champagne, he went up to him and asked,
βWould you know where to find the one they call the Joke? Heβs supposed to be running drinks I think,β
βYeah! For sure. Heβs right over there! Youβll find him at the end of the punch line,β
Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....
He did not get it...
(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))
My wife was getting ready for church and I was in charge of dressing the kids. I got my son dressed and told him to go tell his mother.
Son: "Daddy and I are best buds".
Wife: "That's great to hear".
Son: pulling on his sweater and upset "No, we're best buds".
Wife: "I know, you said that before".
I walk in with a matching outfit "No, we're vest buds!"
They replied back "Very NAS"
So, I'm a Spanish professor, and I gave a final exam this morning. One of the last parts was that students had to write a paragraph using reflexive verbs in which they describe their daily routine. Since the class only had nine students in it, I told them that if they wanted to wait, I would grade their exams for them and tell them their class grade.
It was an open-book final exam (11 pages long), so I was in my office, and a graduating senior finished first and gave me her exam. When I got to her paragraph, I saw that she had written in Spanish that every day she woke up, got up, took a shower, got dressed, brushed her teeth, ate breakfast, and then she and her friend Emmy went horseback riding. Now, I knew that she didn't go horseback riding, ever, but that it was vocabulary from the previous chapter. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Horseback riding? Really?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every day?
Her: Yep!
Me: Every single day?
Her: SΓ, SeΓ±or.
Me: I guess you could call it a stable routine then.
The ones before written language
I've been accused of being a deadbeat dad-joker.
Son: Can I have something to drink?
Me: Yeah I'll go get you some water.
Son: Hello thirsty!
My favorite thing to do is when someone uses the wrong your/you're, for example: > Your incredibly stupid
I'll respond with: > My incredibly stupid what?!
"Wanna meet up later and help me figure out this shelf?"
"Sure! Maybe we can pick up a shelf help book."
Her: "I remember hearing last year that the Corn Festival in Sun Prairie is pretty fun, want to go?"
Me: "I'm in but it'd better be aMAIZEing"
Her: If there's a Mrs. Dash, what does Mr. Dash do? Me: Oh, he's a stay-at-home dad, he takes care of their daughter, Emily. Her: (blank stare) Me: They call her Em. Her: (blank stare)
I then had to explain what an em dash is, but I still got a good laugh about it. She rolled over.
Burple.
He was sailing on the seven Cβs
But most just have 4.
Well it needs a proper setup, followed by a PUNchline.
A Huge Grant
from Li-ion batteries.
I think I have something here, just need a little help with the ending. This is what I have so far.
In the interrogation room, Joe Ga pleaded with police to let him go. He explained the man they are really after is Joe Ka, who has been systematically committing crimes and calling out his own name in the process knowing how similar they sound.
"This is all just a setup, the real Joe Ka is..."
This is just a setup the real joke is in the comments.
I can stop any time I want.
He said to me "what rhymes with orange?" I said "No it doesn't",
turns out, there's no point to it.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
He died recently surrounded by his family.
But I've seen stranger things.
Dad: Donβt be silly, swords canβt fish!
(Overheard at a restaurant by a very proud of himself Dad)
After 24 hours, they finally had enough and decided to call it day.
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
Because they'd still have bear feet
( Canadian joke )
Credit:
https://twitter.com/johncleese/status/1131033587879432192?s=21
is a bitch
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
(And yes, I really did, just to make this joke to him. The resulting groan was worth the ten-day setup :p)
One are claws at the end of paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
My dad just told me this, btw.
Because proper tea is theftο»Ώ!
He literally had his ass handed to him.
Cob, eh.
Dropped this on a co-worker just now.
Them: ".. yeah and why do we even have to pay for air at the gas stations, we never used to."
Me: Well it's due to inflation.
I am confident I've seen this joke on reddit before, just happy I was able to execute it as good as possible. I got tingly when the conversation was heading this way and she dropped the perfect setup line. Grateful I've seen it before, pass it on and use it wisely.
I don't think it's feline well
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
