My friend tried to get me to join his MLM scheme of selling devices for establishing a horizontal line by means of a bubble in a liquid that shows adjustment to the horizontal by movement to the center of a glass tube...

It'd make cents off so many levels.

/edit:rephrased punchline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29
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Which reindeer needs an attitude adjustment?

RUDEolf

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squeezer999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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How do I determine the cost of a balloon after adjusting for inflation?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fawkes_1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06
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I'm in the process of adjusting the clocks in my house

Now all my rooms but the kitchen sync.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunMathematician1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
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My neighbour was a selling a speaker system for just $1. When I asked him why it was so cheap he told me that you cant adjust the sound, the volume is stuck at the loudest setting.

I said "Wow, I cant turn that down"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
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Bob Dylan came to my house the day after Daylight Savings and adjusted all of my clocks.

He said the times they were a-changin’.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bjlind718
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
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Finally adjusted my clocks for dalylight savings

No time like the present!

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
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Tinder is finally adjusting to the quarantine.

They've started offering curbside pickup.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wasprobot
πŸ“…︎ May 22
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Why do pirates live the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisTheEnchanted
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22
🚨︎ report
Finally adjusted my clocks to daylight savings

No time like the present!

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
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I recently adjusted the angle of the mirror in my bathroom

It has given me a new perspective

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πŸ‘€︎ u/martb03
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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My wife can't function unless she visits the chiropractor...

I'm afraid she is addicted to crack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FluffyBearHugs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
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If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.

It will speak volumes to people.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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My Calculus Professor is having a tough time adjusting to retired life.

He can’t seem to deal with the aftermath.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
🚨︎ report
1.99, but 6.99 when adjusted for inflation.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Plus_Memes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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Due to covid my chiropractor sent most of his staff home.

His office is run by a skeleton crew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASPYDERMONKEE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
I got a new adjustable standing desk

It’s brought my gaming to new heights

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πŸ‘€︎ u/traun
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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What does Nostradamus do when he has a vision of a happy, well-adjusted gentleman living far in the future?

Foresees a jolly good fellow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoyagerCSL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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Studies show regular patients of chiropractors are less likely to need to see therapists due to being so well adjusted
πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ace_dreacon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2016
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As we were pulling out of our driveway and I was adjusting the mirrors, I said to my wife, "It's important to remember, there's side view, rear view and you know what else?"

"I loview!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Saw my wife adjusting the top soil while gardening.

Me: This looks like a great detective novel.

Her: What?

You: You know. The plot thickens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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If you adjust your posture...

....do you stand corrected?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thiswonisloaded
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Co-worker was talking about getting her atlas adjusted at the chiropractor

I told her that when my atlas hurts, I just shrug it off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
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I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.

I stand corrected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My first-time pregnant wife asks "why does it take so long for me to warm up?"

Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now."

I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBoBReaper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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What do you give a sulky teenager that didn't go North enough?

A latitude adjustment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nothingman_000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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Football legend Gary Lineker must be a dad
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πŸ‘€︎ u/treapor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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God creating dads

[God Creating Dads] God: Ah, yes I think I’m done. Dads:Hi Done, we’re Dads! God: Dads: God: Creates adjustable thermostat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/endercrusadr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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What did the skeptical man say when the chiropractor fixed his broken back?

"I stand corrected."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/newkyd
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Hiring a clown is more expensive than ever.

Balloon prices are adjusted for inflation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/89iroc
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to be in a band called 1023mb

we couldn't make it to a gig anywhere

*edit * slightly adjusting wording thanks to input from fellow dads <3

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
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These fish puns will make you drown in laughter

What are fish that star in movies called?

Starfish

How do you tuna fish?

Adjust their scales

What do you tell a fish when its overreacting?

You need to clam down

That's enough fish puns for today

We should scale back

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TstoDmk615
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
An older man took his wife to the hospital, fearing a heart attack

The man waits for a while and the doctor comes out to tell his findings. The doctor says, "Your wife did not have a heart attack. She just has acute angina."

Adjusting his hearing aid, the husband says, "Listen here young man, don't go talking about my wife's privates like that! I know she's cute down there!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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It's cold in the office

Let me adjust my thermos tat..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
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I'm known for my dad jokes and in my first day of junior year in high school, I got my friend good.

Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)

Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."

Grunts and cringes ensued

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Just took a long flight. The pilot was rude and sarcastic the entire time.

He really needed an attitude adjustment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainlavender
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Happened last night while watching Den of Thieves with my dad.

Dad: Is that 50 cents?

Me: Yes dad that is 50 cent.

Dad: After this bank robbery he's gonna have to adjust his name for inflation...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DConner777
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
24 Feb 2017, Revised Rules and meta-state of /r/puns

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!


Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad made me feel mature for like, 8 seconds...

He said: "Son now that you're older, I feel like I could use your opinion on some of my business decisions. Can I ask?"

Obviously I nodded yes.

Dad: "Well, 2 days ago I bought a couple balloons for 3 cents a piece. How much should I sell them for after adjusting for inflation?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCats_Bananas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the psychiatric chiropractor?

He specializes in attitude adjustments.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/perezgc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad Joke a Guy at Work

I helped out a manager at another area of my work place, bringing a leveler to adjust a table. After I finished, I was walking back to my work area when I noticed a guy who works there had his dinner out in a sealed Tupperware.

This guy has been on a food diet for some months. I walk up to him, place the level atop of his Tupperware. When the bubble rests in between the lines, I tell him "Looks like you're maintaining a well-balanced diet." He shook his head at me and I continued on my way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DD225
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
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"Betcha the don't want a chiropractor as a head [NFL] coach."

"Why's that?" "They'd be making to much adjustments."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Afrp-Dano
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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Dad-joked my boyfriend about our new pet today

We recently adopted a rabbit and the shelter had named him Justin. We wanted to rename him and it's since been a running joke since Justin is, in our opinion, not a very rabbit-like name. He was also really skittish and we've been working in socializing with him. So today (day 6) my boyfriend asks me:

"So would you say he is adjusted yet?"

To which I replied, "No, he's a-justin" (adjusting)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kubricks_cube
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my coworkers the other day.

I recently started a new job as a claims adjuster.

I turned to my coworker the other day and asked "do you know how I got this job?.......I CLAIMED it!"

Cue the eye rolls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FutureLamp
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report

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