The noise was unbearable.
Me grammar sucks and i is imaginary.
Adding new fixtures to the doors in my house has really helped me get a handle on things
I guess I'm an ogre achiever.
I said that it had its highs and its Lowes
She responded “you know, I slave away all day in this kitchen..”
So I cut in: “and you still can’t seem to get it right.”
On the plus side, it’s way roomier than I would have expected in this doghouse.
Bf and I were doing some re- plastering in the house yesterday. All the spatula work was really starting to hurt my wrist.
Me: "Damn, honey. My wrist really hurts from all this work."
Him: "Would you say you need some wrist training?"
Me: "Hmmmm...yeah I guess that would help..."
Him: "Then you need a wrist training order"
The prices floored me.
Just found this subreddit and, being a dad, I figured I needed to share some material...
I'm checking out at the home improvement store, my wife standing next to me as the bubble-headed cashier rings me up. She gets to a bag of six inch galvanized spikes that I was buying for an outdoor project. Trying to look up the price in her book, our ditzy cashier holds one up and says, "Is this nine inches?" I smile and turn to my wife saying, "Her boyfriend must love her. He's got her convinced that that's nice inches..."
At that point my wife slapped me saying, "You're disgusting!" and our little airhead just stood there and had no idea why.
two customers who know each other begin with the usual greeting (hi, how are you?)
Man1: So what are you here for?
Man2: Coming to get some blinds (similar to window curtains)
Man1: Blinds? Why don't you just cover you eyes?
Man1 then proceeds to cover his eyes whilst having a very hearty chuckle.
With better arrow dynamics.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since
A centaur for disease control
I'm a steak-holder.
It was a soundboard
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tracto... keep reading on reddit ➡
Forgot where I left it.....
Because it contains Vitamin See
It would be called Creddit Karma
... Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...
I think I’ve really improved the delivery!
He gave me some sage advice.
I’m a breader person for it
They're always winging it.
I went outside and the signal improved.
It was A Major task but I can only C Minor improvement.
I joined an improv group for skits and giggles.
Me: “That sounds cool. Do you guys have a plan or are you just gonna make it up as you go?”
(This was a couple years ago and I still look back on it as my peak dad joke)
It’ll be 20/20.
Babe & I tried to spice things up so as to improve our sex duration
But as a 2 mins guy I came on thyme, as usual
“Now that’s more like It”
Me: A what?
Him: A repeater.
Me: dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin
Him: Oh my god.
My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.
Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"
Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!
I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!
Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/
Just some food for thought.
But I still hate it and I'm 45.
It goes without saying
We are trying to get a long well.
It's hard to gauge.
f(x)=e^x and f(x)=ln(x) walk into a party. After a while, ln(x) is chatting everyone up and having a great time, while e^x is leaning on the wall and sulking. ln(x) asks eˣ what's wrong, and e^x says “I'm nervous about integrating.” ln(x) replies: “Oh, it's simple, just be yourself and see.”
I'm performing a comedy and I have an improv bit where I call someone a goofy name. It needs to be a pun on something in Judeo-Christian cannon, bonus points if it's about the angel michael. I.e. Michael Sword-an or Joan of Snark... something like that. Yall got suggestions???
but beer doubles it!
Hey, since we (the new mods) joined the sub 1,5 months ago we've made some changes, mostly with the rules and some backend stuff. Now I also updated the icon (slightly) and the banner (on redesign and mobile), too.
Do you like it? ( Yes/No ). What could be improved about it?
Also, are you happy with how we're moderating the subreddit? Are we too strict with the rules or
toulouse too loose? Do the rules even make sense?
We want to improve this subreddit and we need your feedback for that, so feel free to speak your mind!
You can either simply leave a comment down here in the thread or send us a message.
Looking forward to your feedback and have a nice day! :)
But no matter how you slice it, it’s still cheesy, regardless of the delivery.
Its the best technological advancement to date!
It was developed using cutting edge technology.
and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.
In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.
A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun... keep reading on reddit ➡
I was so proud of my home improvement projects that I got caught sending them unsolicited deck pics.
Fast 10: your seatbelts
I asked her to keep it brief.
Many Hans make light work.
But her aim is starting to improve
It really improves your Outlook.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms - and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, “No, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.
You have my word
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
Me: I keep making mistakes at work, but that’s what I get for waking up before the asscrack of dawn.
Dad: I’m sure you’re going to be fine. Take it in stride and improve as you go. And stop talking about dawn’s asscrack. She may find that offensive.
but the invention of the broom swept the nation.
... it has improved my menthol arithmetic.
Small targets that are very far away.
It's called adult supervision.
I guess he's not much of a stand-up guy.
After a conversation on the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and antibiotics research: "Why is the best disease research done in cities on the coast? Because they like to See de Sea!"
Heard it improves their cognitive skills
Son: Dad, I turn 16 in a few months and would really like a car for my birthday.
Father: Well son, I’ll make a deal with you. If you do three things for me, I’ll get you the car. First, you need to improve your grades. Second, I want you to see you in church every Sunday. And finally, I want you to cut your long hair.
A FEW MONTHS PASS
Son: Dad, next week is my birthday and I’ve done everything you asked. Can I get a car?
Father: I did notice you got straight A’s on your report card and I’ve seen you at church every Sunday. But you didn’t cut you hair. I told you to cut your hair.
Son: I wanted to talk to you about that. In bible study I learned that Moses, John the Baptist, and Jesus all had long hair.
Father: Yes they did. And they walked everywhere they went.