Multi-level marketing
Stagnation
The noise was unbearable.
Me grammar sucks and i is imaginary.
Adding new fixtures to the doors in my house has really helped me get a handle on things
I guess I'm an ogre achiever.
I said that it had its highs and its Lowes
She responded “you know, I slave away all day in this kitchen..”
So I cut in: “and you still can’t seem to get it right.”
On the plus side, it’s way roomier than I would have expected in this doghouse.
Bf and I were doing some re- plastering in the house yesterday. All the spatula work was really starting to hurt my wrist.
Me: "Damn, honey. My wrist really hurts from all this work."
Him: "Would you say you need some wrist training?"
Me: "Hmmmm...yeah I guess that would help..."
Him: "Then you need a wrist training order"
groans
The prices floored me.
Just found this subreddit and, being a dad, I figured I needed to share some material...
I'm checking out at the home improvement store, my wife standing next to me as the bubble-headed cashier rings me up. She gets to a bag of six inch galvanized spikes that I was buying for an outdoor project. Trying to look up the price in her book, our ditzy cashier holds one up and says, "Is this nine inches?" I smile and turn to my wife saying, "Her boyfriend must love her. He's got her convinced that that's nice inches..."
At that point my wife slapped me saying, "You're disgusting!" and our little airhead just stood there and had no idea why.
two customers who know each other begin with the usual greeting (hi, how are you?)
Man1: So what are you here for?
Man2: Coming to get some blinds (similar to window curtains)
Man1: Blinds? Why don't you just cover you eyes?
Man1 then proceeds to cover his eyes whilst having a very hearty chuckle.
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Anyone know if he meant human or animals ?
UNEEDCHEF
Me: Iron Man dies at the end.
But booze will double your vision
....but it stops your biscuit from getting soft..
With better arrow dynamics.
Yes, and?
But then I turned around
The older I get the more I like it.
Now it’s in-bee-leavable!!!
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Tenfold
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since
Because there's an AC in DC.
(Someone improve this joke.)
Rob Boss.
To improve their web-sight
My wife and daughter are working on improving the meringue cookie recipe they are using.
I asked if the batter was better and my wife said yes.
So I asked if it had enough sugar or if it was a bitter better batter.
The look on her face was priceless!
I reminded her that she knew my sense of humor before she married me and went through with it anyway.
It was a soundboard
I'm a steak-holder.
Forgot where I left it.....
A centaur for disease control
logarithmically
It improves division
Vitamin see!
Chiropractice.
They think there's always womb for improvement.
Your ears
I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.
I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.
As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.
I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.
Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"
But i can't hola long conversation
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Because it contains Vitamin See
