The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!

Multi-level marketing

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a country of male deer with no capacity for self-improvement?

Stagnation

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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I went to the Home Improvement store this weekend and walked past the stud finders...

The noise was unbearable.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My English skills and mental health need improvement, but my math skills are fine.

Me grammar sucks and i is imaginary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bdiscer
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Home Improvement

Adding new fixtures to the doors in my house has really helped me get a handle on things

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/borothy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Everyone loves my Shrek costume, but I still see room for improvement.

I guess I'm an ogre achiever.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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My sister had to have surgery today. Honestly the puns leave womb for improvement.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone once asked me what it's like working at a home improvement store

I said that it had its highs and its Lowes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickcooper1991
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
As a janitor, I make sure to tell people there's always broom for improvement
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeButtheegee
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
🚨︎ report
"There's always room for improvement"

-IKEA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ninjamxz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I made a β€œsuggestion for improvement” to my wife regarding her cooking.

She responded β€œyou know, I slave away all day in this kitchen..”

So I cut in: β€œand you still can’t seem to get it right.”

On the plus side, it’s way roomier than I would have expected in this doghouse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phisopholer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Boyfriend dad joked me during home improvements

Bf and I were doing some re- plastering in the house yesterday. All the spatula work was really starting to hurt my wrist.

Me: "Damn, honey. My wrist really hurts from all this work."

Him: "Would you say you need some wrist training?"

Me: "Hmmmm...yeah I guess that would help..."

Him: "Then you need a wrist training order"

groans

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_homeschooler
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
🚨︎ report
I went to the home improvement store to compare prices on new carpet, wood, and tile.

The prices floored me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaunceychaunce
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Shopping at the home improvement store

Just found this subreddit and, being a dad, I figured I needed to share some material...

I'm checking out at the home improvement store, my wife standing next to me as the bubble-headed cashier rings me up. She gets to a bag of six inch galvanized spikes that I was buying for an outdoor project. Trying to look up the price in her book, our ditzy cashier holds one up and says, "Is this nine inches?" I smile and turn to my wife saying, "Her boyfriend must love her. He's got her convinced that that's nice inches..."

At that point my wife slapped me saying, "You're disgusting!" and our little airhead just stood there and had no idea why.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubikscanopener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
🚨︎ report
work at a hardware/home improvement store and overheard this

two customers who know each other begin with the usual greeting (hi, how are you?)

Man1: So what are you here for?

Man2: Coming to get some blinds (similar to window curtains)

Man1: Blinds? Why don't you just cover you eyes?

Man1 then proceeds to cover his eyes whilst having a very hearty chuckle.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
🚨︎ report
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.

That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me that I was going to have to make some sacrifices to improve my health....

Anyone know if he meant human or animals ?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a department of the United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.

UNEEDCHEF

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Mechanic: You should give your car a spoiler to improve its handling.

Me: Iron Man dies at the end.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Carrots may improve your eyes

But booze will double your vision

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Viagra is now available in a teabag format. It doesn't improve your performance...

....but it stops your biscuit from getting soft..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
So, you do understand how constantly treating life like an improv class is unhealthy right?

Yes, and?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crownamedcheryl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Day 8: I used to be hokey pokey

But then I turned around

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzatron574
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
It's true whiskey improves with age.

The older I get the more I like it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/herumdegumff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Bought a new padlock to improve my beehive

Now it’s in-bee-leavable!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...

I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
During lockdown my origami skills have improved...

Tenfold

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.

From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I've removed all the black keys from my piano

Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gell0us
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?

I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does rockstar, Brian Johnson go to the US capital to cool off?

Because there's an AC in DC.

(Someone improve this joke.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/turn_ncough
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
Improved
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MFrisch14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Who improved the art of stealing to perfection?

Rob Boss.

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πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do computers wear glasses?

To improve their web-sight

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A recipe for a good relationship

My wife and daughter are working on improving the meringue cookie recipe they are using.

I asked if the batter was better and my wife said yes.

So I asked if it had enough sugar or if it was a bitter better batter.

The look on her face was priceless!

I reminded her that she knew my sense of humor before she married me and went through with it anyway.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeyRidesABikey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend found a sturdy piece of lumber to place within his guitar to improve the vibrations...

It was a soundboard

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I just invested in a company that will pay me to keep t-bones and rib-eyes in my freezer to sell when the market improves...

I'm a steak-holder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a book on how to improve your memory.

Forgot where I left it.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wentwiththeflow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a doctor who is half man and half horse?

A centaur for disease control

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peach_problems
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
With daily practice, the lumberjack’s musical ability improved

logarithmically

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my daughter to wear glasses during math.

It improves division

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
They should improve their marketeang
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chorima94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?

Vitamin see!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyMarkGamer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a chiropractor improve their craft?

Chiropractice.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnDough39
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Gradually improving at binary
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnlyUsesFourWords
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do midwives never stop learning?

They think there's always womb for improvement.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicferret
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What are the top two things that improve your hearing?

Your ears

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToldYouSo20
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Recently, i started learning Spanish

But i can't hola long conversation

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I must admit my wife's cooking has really improved....

That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear Mother in law,

Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Oranges improves your eyesight

Because it contains Vitamin See

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linzihan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report

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