He is now behind gold bars.
An arm and a leg. Luckily, he talked them down to half price.
Fucking suite!
It's already spacious enough
For lack of a better Word.
"Put me in coach."
They've got some serious jetlag.
She now has more power at her disposal.
When I asked him he said
"I still love vista baby"
The new America is called USB.
Still on 1080p? or upgraded to 4k already?
The iRoll
Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!
Now the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
It really improves your Outlook.
But I was able to e-merge.
Me: I hate that everyone keeps taking my cell phone charger in this house. I'm gonna upgrade my phone so can have a different charging port.
Wife: That's a poor excuse for wanting an upgrade.
Me: You mean a port excuse?
Wife: Ugh.
The captain replied, "Finally! A purchase I can get behind!"
Hasta la Windows Vista baby!
Me: "Of course it will get bigger"
Her: "Oh, why do you think that?"
Me: "Because, your body will upgrade from a queen size womb to a king size womb"
By adding a paper clip
Souped up
He texted me "I feel like everyone is ogling me!"
After I took the bait and asked "why?" he said "I'm a hotspot now!"
Friend: "Wow, it must be really difficult for him to fly."
Me: "You'd think it'd be easier, he has longer arms."
I tried searching for that once. Unfortunately, it was blocked.
I think we really need to upgrade our plumbers.
Love the new upgrade, the Rocket Launcher.
My daughter was playing with those washable Crayola Window markers you can write on the windows with and my dad comes downstairs and asks
“Are those an upgrade from Dos markers?”
I might upgrade to 3840 x 2160 pixels.
The receptionist tells us we are upgraded to a suite.
I exclaim, "Sweet!" Then grin and nudge my daughter with my elbow while she groans and rolls her eyes
Best part was the receptionist looking at her and saying, "Don't worry, my dad does it too"
There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.
He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.
One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.
Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.
"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"
"Just a single banana." he said.
After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...
...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...
...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...
And for whatever reason, he got his job back!
So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!
Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."
Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....
NOTHING.
... keep reading on reddit ➡Me: "My car has five cylinders."
Dad: "Well that's odd."
God damn it Dad...
My Dad was in the process of renting a car at the airport when the agent asked if he wanted to upgrade to Sirius™ radio. Without skipping a beat, my dad responded: "No thanks, I think we'll stick with the lighthearted radio today."
It went right over the agent's head.
The voice on the radio explained how collecting rainwater was catching on in environmental groups. Some people upgraded from a 55 gallon barrel to a 500 gallon vessel. Shows that water vessels can be a real gateway jug.
Husband tried to upgrade his OS today but it was stuck at 23% for a while. I told him to restart.
Him: It's taken 45 minutes to put Marshmallow on there.
Me: Guess you gotta wait s'more.
Him: (that groan I know so well)
I replied, "He isn't missing, he's just undergoing maintenance and will be back soon as the upgraded version, Kim Jong-deux!"
Guy asks if any of us are Verne. Guy next to me says, "Depends- what kind of car is it? Depends on if it's an upgrade."
My sister was showing off her new iPhone to my dad and me, since she finally broke her old phone after owning it for two years. I asked what happened to the old phone.
Sis: "Oh, I dropped my 4c and it broke the screen."
Me: "So you didn't foresee it happening?"
She rolled her eyes. My dad laughed, I laughed. I asked what she upgraded to.
Sis: "I got a 6s, it's the newest model."
Me: "So your day was a success?"
My sister was not pleased, but my dad was losing it, and he shook my hand. I think I have his blessing to become a dad.
