I got into a fight with an employee at my local hardware store today!

He asked if I wanted decking... Lucky I got the first punch in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Micktheprivz
πŸ“…︎ May 29
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The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries - $1 each.

I thought to myself β€œthese should be free of charge”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbimatic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
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I got a new flag at the hardware store yesterday

It’s one of those you push in the ground on your lawn. When I put it in (that’s what she said), I remembered that flags are being flown at half mast.

So I pushed it in a little farther.

No one laughed harder about that than I did at the time and I just wanted to share with you all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ktulu92
πŸ“…︎ May 24
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A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, β€œIs this good for wasps?”

He said, β€œNo, it kills them.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
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I can’t go to the hardware store,

My doctor has prescribed me an ace inhibitor for my blood pressure

This was from a conversation my wife and I had yesterday. She asked me why I always go to Lowe’s instead of the local hardware store seeing as I’m all about supporting local businesses. I told her it’s because I take lisinopril and it’s an ace inhibitor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tondropper186
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
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I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.

I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
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This afternoon at the hardware store my son asks, "Papi, do we need any barbed wire?"

Me: "No, son. But, don't be mad that we don't. There's no need to take a fence."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

β€œGot any two watt bulbs?”

β€œFor what?”

β€œThat’ll do I’ll take two.”

β€œTwo what?”

β€œI thought you didn’t have any.”

β€œAny what?”

β€œOk then!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eternallatake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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The hardware store was selling a 50 ft. rope for $2, but I decided to pass.

I hate long good buys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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A husband and wife go to a hardware store looking for new countertops

The husband suggested composite materials. Meanwhile the wife took him for granite

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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My friend is planning to sue the hardware store for selling him a bunch of buckets with holes in them.

Personally, I don’t think his argument holds water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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Asked at the hardware store for that paint I saw on sale last week

> -- Which one, Sir?

> -- The kind of brownish reddish one?

> -- Uh, we've never had any reddish browns on sale.

> -- Oh. Then I guess it must have been a... pigment of my imagination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foobity
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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What is Homer Simpson's favorite hardware?

D'oh nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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The hardware store guy offered to sell me a 50 ft rope for $2. I refused.

I hate long good buys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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What do you call a hardware store that is rabid at night?

A Ware-house

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πŸ‘€︎ u/century1goomba
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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Y'know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it's odd moments.

Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearinthegarden14
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.

It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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A local hardware store was robbed of all its toilets late last night.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emena7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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I was at the hardware store with my daughter. She of course knocked over a level.

I told her to level with me about what she did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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Someone broke into the hardware store and stole all hardened steel tools cutting ridges for forming or smoothing surfaces...

All the files were deleted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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I work at a hardware store with a saw. The manager says, β€œlumber is going to hate me! I fixed the saw last night.”

Queue me enthusiastically from my desk, β€œso what you’re saying is, you saw’ved all their problems?!”

They hate my humor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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Man walks into a hardware store...."Any two-watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do. I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any." "Any what?" "Yes please."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simple613
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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Local hardware store had a workshop on drills and drill bits.

Talk about boring!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoGators2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2016
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My local hardware store has a sale on all its alloys, so I bought one

It was a steel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delsincameback
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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A man walks into a hardware store reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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A couple walk into a hardware store

They ask: are you guys going to get any more evaporative coolers? The employee answers: I’m not sure, we’ve been pretty SWAMPED recently so for now we’re all out.

***Was I the employee in this story? ...yes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zazuachu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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What do you call a hardware shop run by an amphibian on a mushroom?

Toad's tools

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Proasek
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2018
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Why don't you play poker with a hardware store owner?

because they are flush with spades

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThrashAndBurn1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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A man walks into a hardware store and says "I'd like to buy a Christmas tree."

The cashier asks "are you putting it up yourself?"

The man replies "no, I'm putting it in the living room."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RancidLemons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2016
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An angel walks into a hardware store and says "I'd like to buy a Christmas tree."

The cashier asks "are you putting it up yourself?"

The angel replies "yes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RancidLemons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2016
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Wife got a key cut at the hardware store today.

Wife: I got the hello kitty design on the key because they only had sports teams or plain ones

Me: you don't like aviation?

Wife: (5 second pause then groan and eyeroll)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Storjie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
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I heard Sega's trying to get back into the hardware race again.

So, who will a-system? o:

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2017
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Went to the hardware store with my dad this morning....

Cashier "How long do you need these 2x4s?"

Dad "Oh a long time we're building a shed"

Gr8 Dad

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2016
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So, I was at the hardware store...

... with my partner yesterday. We were just browsing through the doors aisle, got a little separated. He called me over, said I should see the next aisle. I asked why and he said, "It's more doors." I replied, "One does not simply walk into more doors!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StellaTerra
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2016
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Dad got me at the hardware store.

Dad and I went to the hardware store to buy fencing wire on the weekend. As we're walking in the door, dad turns to me all serious and says "Remind me again: wire we here?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-rabid-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2015
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I went to a hardware store to get paint with my dad...

When we got to the counter to mix the paint he said to the lady I want it shaken, not stirred.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WiFilip
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
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My grandpa's joke in the hardware store

My dad told me this, one of my grandpa's old jokes.

When he went into the hardware store to buy lumber, he would ask for some 2x4's. When the guy at the desk asked how long he wanted them, he would say "Oh a long time, we're building a deck"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kjenkins15
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2016
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Our hardware suppliers really screwed this one up... imgur.com/gallery/CVTQL/n…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ubernoobinator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Went to the hardware store and bought some peg board.

The bearded salesman said "There's no discount for the holes." I mentioned that I used to operate the machine that drilled holes in acoustic tiles. He said "I bet that was a boring job". He was in full dad mode.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Time_for_a_cuppa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2016
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I was in a hardware store earlier.

Me: I'm looking for extension cables.

Assistant shows me where they are: How long do you need?

Me: oh it shouldn't take me a minute to decide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JEZTURNER
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2014
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The hardware store.

When I was a kid, my dad asked me to come with him to the hardware store. Instead of the hardware store, we ended up at the arcade. I said "dad this isn't the hardware store." To which he replies, "well it would be hard to wear." Classic dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamthelobo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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work at a hardware/home improvement store and overheard this

two customers who know each other begin with the usual greeting (hi, how are you?)

Man1: So what are you here for?

Man2: Coming to get some blinds (similar to window curtains)

Man1: Blinds? Why don't you just cover you eyes?

Man1 then proceeds to cover his eyes whilst having a very hearty chuckle.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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The guy at the hardware store must be a dad.

Me: "I'm looking for some belt dressing."

Him: "Sure what kind, italian, french, blue cheese...?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImnotTHATdrunk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2014
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Everytime we go to the supermarket or hardware store...

My dad finds the first person he can who works there and pretends to nearly bump into them, apologising, waiting for the worker to say "Nah, you're alright".

He'll then turn to me and slightly yell "Hey, this guy think's I'm alright!"

I've just started to walk away as soon as he sees an employee now..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/merciful_death
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

"No, it kills them."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

β€œGot any two watt bulbs?”

β€œFor what?”

β€œThat’ll do I’ll take two.”

β€œTwo what?”

β€œI thought you didn’t have any.”

β€œAny what?”

β€œOk then!”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/khanglikestowin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report

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