I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
Why did the Amazon package wake up in a bathtub full of ice?
Because it was de-livered.
I bought a package of trail mix and it only had cashews, almonds, and pistachios.
Why can’t you get packages in chile
Because their Amazon only goes to the northern part of South America.
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, “now my package isn’t coming for another 5 days!”
I replied, now you know how I feel.
I let my out of town girlfriend know her vegetable service delivered a package today and I had some bad news.
She asked what had happened to it,
I told her the box had a leek in it.
My wife returned a package of pantyhose that she bought online, but they only refunded 90% of the purchase price...
...they claimed the 10% was a re-stocking fee.
My fiancé just said this one. Me: A package came for our cat today.
Fiancé: Oh, I didn't realise she was ordering packages.
Me: She must've gone to the bank to get herself a debit card.
Fiancé: Nah, she just went to the neighbours tree.
Fiancé: The local branch.
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
Here’s your package
🙋♂️You’re welcome female woman
What do you call a former FBI agent who now works delivering packages?
Lipton probably saw many different pitchers of its brewed beverages before settling for the one on its iconic package...
They auditioned many before choosing the best model tea.
How do you get a cat to deliver a package?
You call USPSpspspspspspsps.
Why do balloons filled with helium cost more than balloons sold in packages?
I jokingly asked my mailman if they test all packages for coronavirus, but he didn't laugh, and now I'm not receiving any letters.
I think my delivery may be off.
Microwaving a TV dinner without opening the package to allow steam to escape is the best way to cook it!
It will be bursting with flavor!
I was running down the aisle to grab the last package of toilet paper, but I slipped and fell before someone else grabbed it.
You could say I completely wiped out.
Two ants seemed to be having a race on a package.
A 3rd ant joined, and beat them both, and started gloating about it.
The two ants said, "that wasn't a race. We were just following instructions."
The 3rd ant asked, "what instructions?"
The two ants said, "see right here, it says 'tear across dotted line.'"
How do you package French bread?
My ex is going through a hard time so I decided to send a food-focused care package.
What the best way to package cold sore medicine?
My package was just stolen off of my front porch...
All-inclusive vacation packages are scams
They can’t include vacation packages that don’t include themselves.
Thought of this as my wife got her Amazon package stolen
Why did the thief steal the planner?
So they can participate in organized crime...
In the very near future, you may have your packages delivered by a robot
The former NBA commissioner was persuaded to buy a family gym package that included unlimited personal training sessions...
After the trainer vowed she would leave no Stern untoned.
I was visiting my surgeon friend when an Amazon package arrived at the door.
He told the mailman, “ Ah... just what the doctor ordered.”
*Dad reading steak package*
Hey look, this beef was fed vegetarians!
What do you call south american apes that get quickly delivered packages?
My neighbor is renovating his kitchen and keeps leaving huge delivered packages on his front lawn. The latest is a huge basin on a pallet and It. Is. An eyesore.
Let that sink in.
Happy Father's Day!
What do little kids and package deliverymen have in common?
They both play with dollies all day!
Today in Wal-Mart, my dad picked up a package of Hostess Snowballs
"Somewhere, a snowman is singing soprano..."
"If you really want to impress your lady friend, then you need to give your package a little enhancement..." youtube.com/watch?v=a0rtp…
My wife sent me a picture of a package we got in the mail...
My three month old daughter was in the background so I asked her if the baby added a lot for shipping.
She said no, but it took a long time to arrive because it shipped from vachina.
Dad joked my wife last night regarding a package
I opened up the front door to check if a package had been delivered and walked away disappointed, "Darnit! I was expecting my deoderant to arrive."
Wife, in the most "whatever" tone she could muster: "Oh no! What are you going to do?"
Me: "I'm going to throw my hands in the air and say, 'This stinks!'"
Edit: Fixed phone keyboard nonsense.
What does the mailman say when he drop a package?
My co-worker told me where to take the outgoing UPS packages.
So I asked him what to do with the introverted ones.