Package on a package Puns

I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?

A 3rd ant joined, and beat them both, and started gloating about it.

The two ants said, "that wasn't a race. We were just following instructions."

The 3rd ant asked, "what instructions?"

The two ants said, "see right here, it says 'tear across dotted line.'"

Let that sink in.

Happy Father's Day!

...who was trying to hide he was bald. He damaged his hairpiece, not sure how, and was having a new one shipped to the office.

He was already kind of embarrassed and told us all, if you see a package for Peters (his last name) just put it on my desk. So I happen to be the one who sees it and as I'm bringing it to him my other coworker Paul asks what I have in my hands.

"Oh this?" I say, "this is Rob Peters' toupee, Paul."

I'm creating a drinking game where every important event equals to drinking, but I am nowhere close to NAMING my drinking game. A friend of mine recommended this subreddit, saying that people drop some really punny puns here. Give your ideas for a title, I think up to 6 words would be okay.

Let's see what you can do!

What you need to know about the game:

• You can create your timeline based on packages (ages, countries, continents, etc).
• Every important event has a normal action and drinking action.
• You never know in which year you are located but get an estimate year. You can either guess the year (or date) and get a free pass or you have to execute the action or drinking action. When you guess wrong, you'll have to double it.

That's basically it.

Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄

Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲

Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.

Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓

Me: Oooof

Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there

Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?

Him: I wooden know about that

So last night, i proposed to my girlfriend of 7 years. We went to go watch Boyz ii Men out here in Las Vegas. I had purchased the meet and greet package to which the entire show staff and Boyz ii Men were completely aware about what I was about to do.

After I had popped the question, there was silence, Wanya turns over to my girlfriend, and says, "You can say, he's On Bended Knee." I heard my girlfriend silently groan under her breath, before she said YES!

I'm notorious for puns in our relationship, so after he came through with that punchline, she knew that they were in on it too. What an honorable night for a dadjoke!

Photos of the moment here!

http://imgur.com/a/pIO0h

Because I have a package with your name on it

My family ate out in celebration of my sister graduating. On the way out, my mom grabbed a mint and tried to open it, but the package ripped and it went flying. She looked at the ground, sighed, and said, "well, I guess it wasn't mint to be."

My dad pulled one on my brother when he was going to an interview for an internship with UPS (delivery service).

"What does the UPS guy say when he drops a package?"

"What?"

"Oops"

Laughed too hard at first because I thought it was some sort of anti-joke. But nope, just a lame pun. Stay classy, pops.

And I was informed that the "10lbs" on the diaper package was for the weight of the baby, not the diaper's load capacity... Who knew?

However, there was an issue with getting the preserves into the packaging phase as the manufacturing plant was downstairs and the bottling machinery was upstairs.

After carefully reviewing the process, the group settled on a solution.

They decided to Pump Up The Jam.

For a silent auction for a non-profit I'm helping with they need rose puns/play on words for the packages. It's a wine event as well. Here are some of the ideas I've figured out as well. Whine and Rows? Rose Colored Glasses Rose and Shone

My dad is asking questions about a barbecue place my sister found.

>Dad: Do they sell barbecue sauce?

>Sis: They have a picture of bottles on the Google page.

>Dad: OK. Are they open?

>Sis: No. They're packaged.

Me: Do you know when bread goes bad?

Him: I don't know. Did you check the "Best by" date on the package?

Me: Hmm.. that's weird. There's no "Best by" on here, but there's a Circuit City.

I remember one time walking up his driveway while he was tinkering on his 2001 Buick Lesabre and I jokingly said "Grandpa, when are you going to get a viper?" He quickly replied "Oh I already have two!" Puzzled, I said "what?" he leaned over his hood and picked up two long plastic packages and showed them to me saying, "look! two vindshield vipers!"

Received an email that was copied to about half the company notifying everyone of a package that was returned and undeliverable. It was addressed to a Ms. Bargo.

Without even thinking, I replied all asking if her first initial was 'M,' as an 'M. Bargo' would very likely be the reason for a shipping issue.

Went waaaaaay over the sender's head. Heard it being contemplated and explained over on the other side of the office.

Ok so here's what you do.

Go onto Amazon or Ebay or whatever and purchase a small dog cage. Make SURE that is is made of either completely STEEL. Nothing else. Get advanced shipping or whatever gets it to your door as fast as humanly possible. Now wait patiently for your package to arrive. Once the delivery person knocks on your door to get you to sign for your package tell them to wait until you open the box. If they seem leery of you explain that you have had trouble in the past with your parcels and you just want to make sure that your order is correct. Open the box and remove the cage from the box. Inspect it thoroughly. Now LISTEN CAREFULLY! This is the part you can't mess up. Look up from the cage and stare into that poor delivery person's eyes. Like so deep you can see their ancestors. Say these exact words. "I knew it... I can't believe I ordered a nickel less cage."

To preface, I live on a farm, you can see our goats from the driveway. So the UPS man was dropping off a package to me today, and as I am signing for it this exchange happens UPS Guy: "Uh oh." Me: "What!?" UPS Guy: "Things just goat serious." 😑

John Deavensmit was not having a good time. After an incident involving a coffee spill, he'd been sued for $50 million, and somehow the jury had ruled against him. There was no way he could pay that much money; he'd go bankrupt.

Naturally, he filed for an appeal, but the winner of the case was already beginning to hound him for money, hoping to get at least something before the judgement was overturned. John was nearly at his wit's end before he found an unusual package in his mailbox.

It was from a couple of his friends, who all went on to law school when John left to create a startup. They'd all been very successful, and had gone on to be justices at various levels, from courts in a small county in Wisconsin all the way to the Supreme Court. When he opened it up, he was surprised to see an ink drawing of a thick wooden stick. It was signed by his friends, and accompanied by a note:

> Hey John, > > We're sorry to hear about your loss in court last month. We met up at a judge conference in the Davison Center, and we thought that we'd do something special for you. We met up in the Grapefruit Room and all worked together to draw this. We hope you enjoy it! > > Your friends

Now, John had been to D.C. a few times, and knew about the Davison Centre. It was renowned for its very offbeat architecture. The Grapefruit Room was one of the weirdest: it had been constructed by taking a world-record grapefruit, carving out the flesh, and preserving the rind. The result was a walk-in fruit, and it always smelled of citrus.

It took John a while to work out the significance of the gift, but when he realized it, he was overjoyed. His good friends had seen fit to grant him a stave judge-men penned in a peel.

He was sealing some small package for something I presume he's sold on eBay and he held it up with the address facing me.

Dad: You know who this is?

Me: (Reads the name Ben Ling, looking confused) No.

Dad: You know his brother.

Me: What?

Dad: His brother Ray, the Chinese fence.

Nice one, dad...

I just got a package containing 25 ounces of silver in differently sized bullion coins. I was checking them out when my cat jumped up on the table, smelled the coin I was holding and then bit it for some reason.

I said "Whoa! he just bit it," as the cat ran away (probably not fun biting solid metal).

My dad glanced over and said, "So it's a Bitcoin?"

On the package, the dough boy is under a sheet, like a ghost costume.

I said "aww, the Pillsbury dough boy died."

Kid: "what did he die of?"

Me, not realizing the joke would have even gone this far : "a yeast infection"

At a wedding reception where the chocolates on the table were in nice looking package.

• Dad: Don't throw that way; I'll take them home.
• Mom: Great another of one thousand useless items that'll be on a shelf.
• Dad: Aaaaw, Honey -- I'd never put you on the shelf.

While watching a baseball game:

• Mom: Are they "boo'ing?" Nobody "boos" anymore.
• Dad: Hey can I have a blow job?
• Mom: Shut up.
• Dad: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

In regards to meatloaf my mother made:

• Mom: Sorry the meatloaf isn't that good.
• Dad: It's Ok. But next time try adding some Alpo.

While eating at relatives' house:

• Mom: Wow. This is really good! We used to eat like this all the time growing up.
• Uncle: Really? Where I come from we just call it Hamburger Helper.

In regards to an inappropriately shaped child's toy:

• Me: Did you buy that at one of those special stores you guys got in San Francisco?
• Grandfather: What?! Of course not! God no - that's not mine!
• ...
• Grandfather: It's too small...

When my brother and I were screwing around instead of helping in the garage:

• Dad: You know, twice, twice! I thought I got it out quick enough but some must have dribbled back inside.

After listening to a 3 minute voice mail from my mother:

• Me: What did she want?
• Dad: You want the long or the short version?
• Me: Short.
• Dad: Nothing.
• Me: Ok long version.
• Dad: Nothing much.

My daughter was straightening up a pile of stuff in the kitchen, and picked up a small blue empty decorative box. "What's this?" she asked.

Ever the dad, of course I answered, "It's a box..."

She rolled her eyes and said, "No, Dad, what's it from?" But it didn't end there.

She handed the box to me and I started speculating that it looked about the size of box for a watch. Then Mom said she thought it was from a necklace I had given her for Mother's Day.

Just to be clear, Mom had sent me an e-mail "hint" in the form of a link to order the necklace, so being a dutiful hubby, I ordered it. She caught the package in the mail as soon as it arrived and opened it right away, several days before Mother's Day. So I had never even seen the box. No wonder I couldn't identify it. Just saying.

Meanwhile I was turning the box over in my hand and noticed a little gold sticker on a corner of the box. I handed the box back to my daughter and said, "Here, read the sticker."

She took the box back and looked at the sticker. It said, "BOX, Made in China."

I said, "See? I was right." She threw the box at me.

I was cruising through the meat section and a nearby married couple were checking out some lamb shoulders that were on special. The mum picks up a roast, inspects it and deposits it in their trolley where she then notices the package had leaked a bit.

"Oh!" She says. "I've got a bloody hand!"

"You've always had two bloody hands," jokes the dad.

Me: "My brother is on the paleo diet at the moment - Perhaps it similar - He keeps eating chicken on it's own from the packet."

Colleague: "Well I think in dinosaur times they didn't have packaging and Sainsbury's and the like."

Me: "No I suppose not, and they didn't really have fire either, so cooking was pretty much out of the question unless they had induction."

I ordered a bunch of loose fancy tea on the internet. Wanting to let people in the house know that I am expecting a package, I said, "Hey, I just ordered a bunch of tea. It's coming FedEx. It should be here on Friday or Saturday." To which my mom says, "It'll have gone cold by then."

I told him I would meet him in the deli because I needed to get food from a different section. We come out of the aisle, right where the packaged meats are (ground beef, sirloins, chicken, etc.) and turn in separate directions. I look at them and notice right away that the overhead lights are on them are not lit. I yell, "Hey, John! John!" and he looks back at me. I point to them and say, "Dark meat". He looks at me confused, looks at them for a second. He then goes "Aaawwwww!" and throws his hat on the ground.

I'm known for my puns, so his reaction was all the better.

So i get downstairs around 06:45AM this morning. Dad's standing in the kitchen, fidgeting around with something. Mind you, he had been sick the past week or so. Dad: "G'morning. How are you?" Me: "Not too shabby, you?" I prepare my breakfast as he responds "Eh, I'm too smart." I wonder if I understood what he was saying correctly, so i ask him to repeat what he said, and he goes "I'm too smart." once again. I keep thinking to myself "WTF man?" He then turns around with a package of these in his hand: http://imgur.com/OMXu5r9 "I have to take retard pills." I give him the classical "really dad" look, after which he said "That was [morally] bad, don't tell anyone."

Jokes on you dad.

While cleaning out the pantry last night, my husband asked if I can see when the container of dates will go bad as he can't find a "Best if Used By" on the packaging. I take the container from him, look at it carefully and reply "Apparently, these are no expiration dates".

My fiancee knocked on to the floor at a friends house, a single slice cake we had got from Smith's; comes packaged in a small, square plastic container, and was still in the container when it hit the carpet. I still proceeded to give her a hard time saying she did it on purpose, etc. As she reached over to pick it up she accidentally dipped her shirt on to the top of a caramel covered brownie she was eating. She sat back up and noticed the caramel circle covering the nipple of her shirt, and without second thought cries, "Aww man, caramel's a bitch."

We were doing early morning review sessions for AP euro. I was running late and instead of cooking breakfast, I just grabbed a package of ramen noodles to eat in review.

While in review, I was happily munching on my 'breakfast' when my teacher walked up to me. The following conversation ensued.

Teacher: What are you eating?

Me: Just some ramen.

Teacher: Raw?

Me: Yeah, I like it raw.

Teacher: You don't cook it?

Me: Sometimes when I have the time.

Teacher: Well, you know, if you cooked it, it wouldn't be RAWmen.

groan

So yesterday I had vision correction surgery and on the ride home my mom called. My dad answered it via the car phone and my mom was asking how it went and all that. The conversation went as follows:

Mom: Hi how are you doing? How's Phil?

Dad: Hi we are good. He was in and out in about 20 minutes and they gave him a CD with only one track on it as part of the recovery package.

Mom: Really? What for?

Dad: Just to ease the anxiety he may experience shortly after the surgery. It's the song I can see clearly now.

My mom proceeded to crack up over the phone and I think she accidentally hung up as well. My girlfriend and I were laughing hysterically as well.

Knowing my dad, he couldn't wait to drop that one.

So, workers at our office occasionally have their packages shipped to our work place. I think it's so that they have someone to sign off on them, or for security reasons. Either way, there were a couple IKEA packages dropped off today, and one of the admins wrote:

"We received 2 large IKEA boxes today. They do not have name on them. They are in the main hall near the front entry. Please pick up at your convenience. Please let me know who they belong to."

to which I replied all (bold, I know):

"Well I have no... IKEA."

(i'm only 24, going on 25. with no plan of kids for years, but i hope i did you guys proud)

Cute young female cashier scanning our items, scans the ground beef and says "Wow, that's some nice meat you have there."

Dad: Why thank you. Biggest dumb grin on his face

Cashier: No! picks up the ground beef Your package!

Dad: Why thank you. Grin intensifies

The poor girl was so embarrassed. It was glorious.

Let me preface this by saying that we live on a farm with a truly evil rooster who will attack anyone and everyone.

The fed-ex guy dropped off a package my dad had ordered, and my parents asked if he'd had any trouble with the rooster. I said he hadn't. They were like, "Good. That might've been a lawsuit waiting to happen or something."

And I said, "Yeah, maybe we should put up a Beware of Rooster sign, so we can't get sued for fowl play."

Mom: did you know that on the ingredients label it says this fish was packaged with carbon monoxide?

Dad: that's CO (cool)

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

I walked into the living room just a few minutes ago, and saw that there was packaging for new toner on the couch. My dad's sitting there.

Me: Did you get toner?

Dad: sly smile Yeah, I've been working out.

Me: laughing groan

Last night my mom was telling me about how my parents' dog started eating a whole pack of gum it found on the floor, but (miraculously) gave up. There were teeth marks on the package, but no punctures.

Dad: And you know what she was thinking when she couldn't get through the package?

Me: No, what?

Dad: "Blasted! Foiled again!"

So I was talking with my father about how a package that should have been delivered on Friday hadn't come yet, with no updates other than departing a facility in NJ about 30 miles from me on Thursday.

Me: So right now it's trapped in the USPS abyss between here and NJ

Dad: How abyssmal!

My dad was on the phone, talking to my grandfather about some corn he was looking at today. My dad pointed out that the corn that was packaged was much more expensive than the unwrapped corn. In fact it was 5 for dollar. When my grandfather heard this he replied "So they were a buccaneer?"

My dad just said "No wonder the kids hate my sense of humor!"